Posts tagged as:

celebrity babies

Jessica Alba: Pregnancy Made Her All Fat And Gross And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail.

Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba’s baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead.

Anyway, we’re judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she’s concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we’ll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.

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Jamie Lynn Spears Loves Being Her Illegitimate Baby’s Teen Ma

by Stuart Heritage

Jamie Lynn Spears was raised in a totally different environment to the rest of us, so she obviously has her own idea of what’s fun.

So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No – according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that’s stolen the rest of your life and won’t respond to reason or logic is fun.

We’re referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears’ new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that’s thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable ‘I hate my baby and wish it was never born’ postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.

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Matthew McConaughey Unironically Names Baby After Biblical Figure

by Stuart Heritage

As the world slowly comes to terms with the fact that Matthew McConaughey has successfully spawned, fears over what he’d name his baby have gradually taken hold.

But it’s OK – Matthew McConaughey isn’t like all these other ridiculous celebrities with their weird predilictions for nutty baby names. Instead Matthew McConaughey has chosen a simple, humble name for his new son – Levi Alves McConaughey – after his favourite character in the Bible.

By naming his baby Levi, Matthew McConaughey must secretly hope that the boy grows up to be the equal of the biblical figure – an astrologist who once stabbed the entire male population of a city to death because one of them might have raped his sister. Still, rather that than making romantic comedies for a living like his dad, eh?

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Matthew McConaughey Takes All The Credit For His New Baby

by Stuart Heritage

Alright, we get it, you celebrities are fertile, well done – now do you think you can stop firing babies out of your mimsies, please?

We’re only asking because Matthew McConaughey has just become a father for the first time, and everyone knows that Matthew McConaughey kills fads as soon as he so much as looks at them.

Matthew McConaughey announced the birth of his new son via an embarrassingly self-congratulatory statement making much about the fact that he managed to stand next to his girlfriend the whole time. McConaughey’s right to crow, though, because he knows for certain that the baby is definitely his – when it was born it was shirtless, naturally bald and kept making this irritating “Waaah waaah” noise all the time. Sounds like a perfect match to us.

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Nicole Kidman’s Hatred Of Scientology Inspired Stupid Baby Name, Source

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Nicole Kidman has finally achieved her life’s goal and given birth to a baby, we can all concentrate on why she gave it such a crappy name.

And actually it seems like there’s quite a simple answer – Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently.

You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See?

Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that’s important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.

Now that Nicole Kidman has finally achieved her life's goal and given birth to a baby, we can all concentrate on why she gave it such a crappy name. And actually it seems like there's quite a simple answer - Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently. You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See? Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that's important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.
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Nicole Kidman Thwumps Out Her Semi-Cowboy Baby

by Stuart Heritage

This is a joyous day, a momentous occasion that will change the world forever – it’s the day when Nicole Kidman can stop whining about not having any babies.

That’s right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she’s inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman’s new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don’t know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

Best of all, we’re almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?

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Janet Jackson Demands Babies Instantly

by Stuart Heritage

Janet Jackson’s job basically involves muttering about how sexy she is to nobody in particular in a vaguely constipated way, which must get boring.

So thank heavens that Janet Jackson has finally got broody – she wants a baby so badly that it’s all she can do not to dress up as a nurse and snatch one from a maternity ward somewhere.

That’s according to Janet’s boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, anyway. He says that Janet is so desperate for babies that they’re going to try for one the instant she finishes her upcoming tour. But why wait? if Janet Jackson wants a baby that badly she should throw caution to the wind and just cancel her shows. The fans won’t mind – if they’re Janet Jackson fans they’ll have grown used to the crushing feeling of disappointment anyway.

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Britney Spears’ Family Gathers To Watch Baby Smoothly Slide Out Of Sister

by Shawn Lindseth

When hecklerspray’s sister had a kid we thought that although it was still a beautiful thing, it was a bit different because she gave birth out of her mouth. She thought it was food poisoning – then suddenly ‘plop,’ there’s junior puked up in the toilet bowl. Lucky for everyone involved she recognized him as [...]

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The first is cool; the second is just a plain old fool. Folded: Take the personality test! (are you extraverted, introverted, insane? Find out here! Takes a while to do though – oh, and at least one of us turned up with the same Jung personality as Abraham Lincoln) Barry Norman Pickled Onions (yep, that’s [...]

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Tori Spelling Copies Alba, Has Child

by Ian Dransfield

It’s not uncommon to see a celebrity that has suffered a downturn in their career take ‘inspiration’ from another, more popular personality to get their life back on track. But this has to be the worst case of copycat behaviour we’ve ever seen. Tori Spelling, of Beverly Hills 90210 and… errm… some shit reality TV [...]

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