Articles tagged with: celebrity babies
Old Lady Pushes Out Baby Made With Clay Aiken’s Chromosomal Input
Somewhere - recently - in a dark corner of a hospital, new life was given. It sprang forth from its mother's womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table - and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother's colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma's smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like. You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It's unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that's why Clay Aiken's baby wanted out so bad - and it did! That's right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody's freshly stretched woo-woo, he's here to stay.
Somewhere - recently - in a dark corner of a hospital, new life was given. It sprang forth from its mother's womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table - and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother's colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma's smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like. You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It's unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that's why Clay Aiken's baby wanted out so bad - and it did! That's right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody's freshly stretched woo-woo, he's here to stay.
Jamie Lynn Spears Brings About Societal Devastation On A Mass Scale
Despair is a pretty common theme when it comes to writing about celebrities - especially when it comes to their impact on popular culture. Never let it be said that people around the world are anything more than mindless drones, willing to copy any trend pushed in front of them. So it comes as no surprise that half of the world's media have jumped onto the fact that Jamie Lynn Spears' recent plopping-out of a baby and subsequent photoshoot with said ball of illegitimate flesh could have an effect on teenage pregnancy levels around the world. Because young girls are even more stupid than the everyday moron. The world is sure to become a much worse place. Despair once again sets in.
Despair is a pretty common theme when it comes to writing about celebrities - especially when it comes to their impact on popular culture. Never let it be said that people around the world are anything more than mindless drones, willing to copy any trend pushed in front of them. So it comes as no surprise that half of the world's media have jumped onto the fact that Jamie Lynn Spears' recent plopping-out of a baby and subsequent photoshoot with said ball of illegitimate flesh could have an effect on teenage pregnancy levels around the world. Because young girls are even more stupid than the everyday moron. The world is sure to become a much worse place. Despair once again sets in.
Jessica Alba Shows Off Her Unusually Hairy Baby
Things we've learnt today, number 14 - Jessica Alba has an unusually dominant hairiness gene. She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week's OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we'll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn't have the fullest head of hair we've ever seen on any single living creature ever. It's astounding. At least, we're assuming that Jessica Alba's daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had 'I hated The Love Guru' tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let's just say that's what happened anyway.
Things we've learnt today, number 14 - Jessica Alba has an unusually dominant hairiness gene. She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week's OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we'll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn't have the fullest head of hair we've ever seen on any single living creature ever. It's astounding. At least, we're assuming that Jessica Alba's daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had 'I hated The Love Guru' tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let's just say that's what happened anyway.
Jessica Alba: Pregnancy Made Her All Fat And Gross And Stuff
While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail. Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba's baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead. Anyway, we're judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she's concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we'll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.
While she was pregnant, Jessica Alba had quite the sideline in describing every single aspect of the pregnancy in excruciating detail. Luckily, though, the recent birth of Jessica Alba's baby means that all that has come to end. And, in its place, Jessica Alba has started to give retrospective descriptions of her pregnancy in magazine interviews instead. Anyway, we're judging unfairly because actually Jessica Alba is quite entertaining when she looks back on her pregnancy. Especially since the main thing she's concerned about is how fat and bloated and unsexy her unborn daughter made her feel. Great, that means in 20 years we'll be reading magazine interviews with the daughter about how Jessica Alba prenatally destroyed her sense of self worth. Thanks a lot, Alba.
Jamie Lynn Spears Loves Being Her Illegitimate Baby’s Teen Ma
Jamie Lynn Spears was raised in a totally different environment to the rest of us, so she obviously has her own idea of what's fun. So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No - according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that's stolen the rest of your life and won't respond to reason or logic is fun. We're referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears' new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that's thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable 'I hate my baby and wish it was never born' postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.
Jamie Lynn Spears was raised in a totally different environment to the rest of us, so she obviously has her own idea of what's fun. So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No - according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that's stolen the rest of your life and won't respond to reason or logic is fun. We're referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears' new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that's thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable 'I hate my baby and wish it was never born' postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.
Matthew McConaughey Unironically Names Baby After Biblical Figure
As the world slowly comes to terms with the fact that Matthew McConaughey has successfully spawned, fears over what he'd name his baby have gradually taken hold. But it's OK - Matthew McConaughey isn't like all these other ridiculous celebrities with their weird predilictions for nutty baby names. Instead Matthew McConaughey has chosen a simple, humble name for his new son - Levi Alves McConaughey - after his favourite character in the Bible. By naming his baby Levi, Matthew McConaughey must secretly hope that the boy grows up to be the equal of the biblical figure - an astrologist who once stabbed the entire male population of a city to death because one of them might have raped his sister. Still, rather that than making romantic comedies for a living like his dad, eh?
As the world slowly comes to terms with the fact that Matthew McConaughey has successfully spawned, fears over what he'd name his baby have gradually taken hold. But it's OK - Matthew McConaughey isn't like all these other ridiculous celebrities with their weird predilictions for nutty baby names. Instead Matthew McConaughey has chosen a simple, humble name for his new son - Levi Alves McConaughey - after his favourite character in the Bible. By naming his baby Levi, Matthew McConaughey must secretly hope that the boy grows up to be the equal of the biblical figure - an astrologist who once stabbed the entire male population of a city to death because one of them might have raped his sister. Still, rather that than making romantic comedies for a living like his dad, eh?
Matthew McConaughey Takes All The Credit For His New Baby
Alright, we get it, you celebrities are fertile, well done - now do you think you can stop firing babies out of your mimsies, please? We're only asking because Matthew McConaughey has just become a father for the first time, and everyone knows that Matthew McConaughey kills fads as soon as he so much as looks at them. Matthew McConaughey announced the birth of his new son via an embarrassingly self-congratulatory statement making much about the fact that he managed to stand next to his girlfriend the whole time. McConaughey's right to crow, though, because he knows for certain that the baby is definitely his - when it was born it was shirtless, naturally bald and kept making this irritating "Waaah waaah" noise all the time. Sounds like a perfect match to us.
Alright, we get it, you celebrities are fertile, well done - now do you think you can stop firing babies out of your mimsies, please? We're only asking because Matthew McConaughey has just become a father for the first time, and everyone knows that Matthew McConaughey kills fads as soon as he so much as looks at them. Matthew McConaughey announced the birth of his new son via an embarrassingly self-congratulatory statement making much about the fact that he managed to stand next to his girlfriend the whole time. McConaughey's right to crow, though, because he knows for certain that the baby is definitely his - when it was born it was shirtless, naturally bald and kept making this irritating "Waaah waaah" noise all the time. Sounds like a perfect match to us.
Nicole Kidman’s Hatred Of Scientology Inspired Stupid Baby Name, Source
Now that Nicole Kidman has finally achieved her life's goal and given birth to a baby, we can all concentrate on why she gave it such a crappy name. And actually it seems like there's quite a simple answer - Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently. You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See? Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that's important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.
Now that Nicole Kidman has finally achieved her life's goal and given birth to a baby, we can all concentrate on why she gave it such a crappy name. And actually it seems like there's quite a simple answer - Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently. You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See? Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that's important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.
