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Celebrities in hospital

Bernie Mac Not Dead. May Be Dying. Probably Not Though.

by Ian Dransfield

There are some ‘are they-aren’t they?’ games that we prefer not to play, as they’re simply not as much fun as they should be. Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can [...]

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Amy Winehouse’s Mental Hospital Spaz Out Blamed On Ecstasy

by Matthew Laidlow

Yesterday brought the news that Amy Winehouse had decided to take a stroll to the hospital. It wasn’t because she finally realised she was slowly destroying her insides, it was simply down to having a crazy reaction to the medication slowly digesting in her stomach. Many people have placed bets on her dying before the [...]

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Amy Winehouse in Hospital Due to Medication Flipping Out Inside Her Guts

by hecklerspray staff

Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital yesterday due to a reaction to some super ultra-mysterious medication, so don’t even try to guess what it is.

But this is good news. No really, it is.

This provides science with empirical evidence about the number of cigarettes and mini bottles of booze cardiac muscle can tolerate, plus Amy gets another punch on her hospital card. One more visit and she gets a free colonoscopy with the purchase of a stomach pumping.

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Lindsay Lohan Apparently Hit By Motorbike; Motorbike Apparently OK

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since Lindsay Lohan decided to trade alleged drug abuse for alleged lesbianism, you have to admit that she’s been a bit of a snore.

It’s not so much Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble that we miss, rather the dazzling array of misinformation thumped out by a billion sources directly after Lindsay Lohan got into any trouble. What? You missed that too? Well this must be your lucky day.

You see, it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was hit by a motorbike in New York this weekend – reports backed up by the fact that the hospital she went to admitted someone called Lindsay Lohan on the night the accident took place. But Lindsay Lohan’s family and publicist are denying that anything happened at all.

Welcome back Lindsay. We’ve missed you.

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DMX Arrested. Again. Snore

by Stuart Heritage

One of these days, we swear to god, DMX is going to do something within the confines of the law – and that’ll be a story.

But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that’ll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less.

Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!

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Angelina Jolie’s Twins To Remain Gut-Bound For The Foreseeable

by Stuart Heritage

When Angelina Jolie was shipped to her maternity clinic a couple of days ago, everyone assumed that it was because she was just about to sprout babies.

No such luck, we’re afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie’s obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of “They’ve been born! And they’re beautiful!” what it actually got was “They’re not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!”

So Angelina Jolie isn’t going to give birth any time soon, then, although she’s going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We’re getting a little tired of all this waiting though – Angelina’s got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.

When Angelina Jolie was shipped to her maternity clinic a couple of days ago, everyone assumed that it was because she was just about to sprout babies. No such luck, we're afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie's obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of "They've been born! And they're beautiful!" what it actually got was "They're not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!" So Angelina Jolie isn't going to give birth any time soon, then, although she's going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We're getting a little tired of all this waiting though - Angelina's got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.
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Angelina Jolie Ready To Pop Her Twins All Over The Place

by Stuart Heritage

This is it – the moment that everyone with a slightly sinister personal investment in the lives of people they’re never likely to meet has been waiting for.

That’s right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don’t worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn’t going to have her twins just yet – she’s just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens.

But it’s still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We’re actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they’re born in – in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.

This is it - the moment that everyone with a slightly sinister personal investment in the lives of people they're never likely to meet has been waiting for. That's right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don't worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn't going to have her twins just yet - she's just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens. But it's still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We're actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they're born in - in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.
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Heather Locklear Is Crazy Depressed About Everything

by Stuart Heritage

What are the two things that all women want? That’s right – an increasingly dried-up acting career and an ex-husband who’s in Bon Jovi.

And those are precisely the two things that Heather Locklear has got. You’d think that Heather Locklear would be the happiest woman on the face of the earth, wouldn’t you? Well you’re wrong. In fact, there’s a pretty good chance that Heather Locklear is one of the saddest.

Heather Locklear’s just checked into an Arizona medical facility for psychological treatment as she’s said to be suffering from anxiety and depression. And who can blame her – an actress of her calibre must be exhausted from taking on so many different personalities over the years. Sometimes Heather Locklear mustn’t know if she’s the woman who made one generic cameo appearance in Two And A Half Men, or the woman who made two generic cameo appearances in Ally McBeal. We feel for her, we really do.

What are the two things that all women want? That's right - an increasingly dried-up acting career and an ex-husband who's in Bon Jovi. And those are precisely the two things that Heather Locklear has got. You'd think that Heather Locklear would be the happiest woman on the face of the earth, wouldn't you? Well you're wrong. In fact, there's a pretty good chance that Heather Locklear is one of the saddest. Heather Locklear's just checked into an Arizona medical facility for psychological treatment as she's said to be suffering from anxiety and depression. And who can blame her - an actress of her calibre must be exhausted from taking on so many different personalities over the years. Sometimes Heather Locklear mustn't know if she's the woman who made one generic cameo appearance in Two And A Half Men, or the woman who made two generic cameo appearances in Ally McBeal. We feel for her, we really do.
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David Hasselhoff Gets Part Of His Face Removed

by Stuart Heritage

David Hasselhoff is having a rough week – not only did he lose a load of stuff in his his divorce settlement, but now he’s lost part of his own face, too.

It’s been reported that David Hasselhoff has just been released from hospital after having something removed from just above his eye. While nobody around David Hasselhoff has revealed exactly what was removed, chances are it was either his over-inflated sense of self worth or the part of his brain that genuinely believes he’s a well-respected pop star.

Oh that’s sick. David Hasselhoff might be seriously ill, you disgusting bastards. You’re going to hell for thinking of something as disgusting as that, we’ll make sure of it.

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Toni Braxton Hospitalised For Some Urgent Heart-Unbreaking

by Stuart Heritage

Toni Braxton – the female R&B singer you haven’t seen, heard or thought about once in the last 12 years – has been hospitalised in Las Vegas.

Although the exact nature of Toni Braxton’s illness hasn’t been revealed, some have claimed that she was rushed to hospital with chest pains – a sign that Toni Braxton could be suffering from a flare up of her pre-existing pericarditis.

Pericarditis, of course, is an inflammation of the lining of the heart. Ironic, really, since Toni Braxton’s most famous song was entitled Un-Break My Heart. When will these celebrities realise that singing lovelorn powerballads about diseases that they suffer from is no substitute for the progressive nature of medical science?

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