Articles tagged with: Celebrities in hospital
This is it - the moment that everyone with a slightly sinister personal investment in the lives of people they're never likely to meet has been waiting for.
That's right, Angelina Jolie has been checked into a French hospital so that she can give birth to those babies that have been clogging up her insides for what seems like a couple of years. Don't worry, though, Angelina Jolie isn't going to have her twins just yet - she's just checked in for a rest before all the gory stuff happens.
But it's still exciting. What will Angelina Jolie call her children this time? We're actually hoping that the twins are named after something specific to the region they're born in - in which case we can expect to soon be introduced to little Unshaven Female Armpit Jolie-Pitt and its sibling, Halfhearted Attitude To Work Jolie-Pitt.
What are the two things that all women want? That's right - an increasingly dried-up acting career and an ex-husband who's in Bon Jovi.
And those are precisely the two things that Heather Locklear has got. You'd think that Heather Locklear would be the happiest woman on the face of the earth, wouldn't you? Well you're wrong. In fact, there's a pretty good chance that Heather Locklear is one of the saddest.
Heather Locklear's just checked into an Arizona medical facility for psychological treatment as she's said to be suffering from anxiety and depression. And who can blame her - an actress of her calibre must be exhausted from taking on so many different personalities over the years. Sometimes Heather Locklear mustn't know if she's the woman who made one generic cameo appearance in Two And A Half Men, or the woman who made two generic cameo appearances in Ally McBeal. We feel for her, we really do.
David Hasselhoff is having a rough week - not only did he lose a load of stuff in his his divorce settlement, but now he's lost part of his own face, too. It's been reported that David Hasselhoff has just been released from hospital after having something removed from just above his eye. While nobody around David Hasselhoff has revealed exactly what was removed, chances are it was either his over-inflated sense of self worth or the part of his brain that genuinely believes he's a well-respected pop star. Oh that's sick. David Hasselhoff might be seriously ill, you disgusting bastards. You're going to hell for thinking of something as disgusting as that, we'll make sure of it.
Toni Braxton - the female R&B singer you haven't seen, heard or thought about once in the last 12 years - has been hospitalised in Las Vegas.
Although the exact nature of Toni Braxton's illness hasn't been revealed, some have claimed that she was rushed to hospital with chest pains - a sign that Toni Braxton could be suffering from a flare up of her pre-existing pericarditis.
Pericarditis, of course, is an inflammation of the lining of the heart. Ironic, really, since Toni Braxton's most famous song was entitled Un-Break My Heart. When will these celebrities realise that singing lovelorn powerballads about diseases that they suffer from is no substitute for the progressive nature of medical science?
Kidney infections can be painful and distressing and they absolutely aren't funny - unless they happen to Jessica Simpson, in which case they sort of are.
Jessica Simpson was released from hospital yesterday after being treated for what's being described as a kidney infection. However, details are vague and nobody knows if Jessica Simpson had a real kidney infection or whether it was just a smokescreen for a more embarrassing ailment.
But, just this once, we'll take the bait. Our guess is that Jessica Simpson really did have a kidney infection, but only because that means Jessica Simpson definitely has really stinky piss. Jessica 'Stinky Piss' Simpson. Old stinky piss, that's her. Stinky piss.
Four months ago a hospital worker accidentally overdosed Dennis Quaid's newborn twins with 1,000 times the recommended dose of blood thinner.
That's an almost unfathomably horrible thing for anyone to have to go through, and yet Dennis Quaid has happily given a televised interview where he recounts the whole awful story from beginning to end. Why would Dennis Quaid subject himself to this? Because he's still furious about the cock-up and claims that medical mistakes are responsible for 100,000 deaths a year in America alone, that's why.
And also we suspect it's because if Dennis Quaid didn't talk about his children almost dying, he'd have had to talk about Vantage Point instead. He must have gone for the least emotionally-gruelling choice.
Minor illnesses are being massively under-represented at the moment, so let's all thank Jesus right now that Janet Jackson is doing something about it.
You see, Janet Jackson was supposed to be performing on Saturday Night Live this week but she's dropped out because she's got the sniffles. Or, as she likes to call it, 'the flu'.
A fairly serious bout of flu nonetheless, because Janet Jackson wound up in hospital because of it, but on the bright side at least by pulling out of SNL Janet Jackson has stopped an audience of millions from catching whatever degenerative brain disease you get when you're forced to watch a fortysomething woman repeatedly try to convince you of how sexy she is to a backing of tinpot R&B fluff.
Ah, no, wait - that headline should have read 'Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Despairing Scenes And A Sense That Nobody's Learnt Anything Ensues'. Our bad, sorry.
Anyway, by now you've probably guessed that Britney Spears has been given an early release from her padded room in the psychiatric hospital where she was being held. And you probably also guessed that, now she's been medically classified as Gravely Disabled, the paparazzi and press would back off and let her recover out of basic human decency.
And you're right - Britney Spears' release was only followed by 20 car-swarming paparazzi, two news helicopters and everyone watching the live feed of Britney leaving the hospital and driving through Los Angeles on TV at home. Which is sort of backing off a bit, right? No? Fair enough.
