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Celebrities in hospital

Jessica Simpson Sick With Stinky Piss

by Stuart Heritage

Kidney infections can be painful and distressing and they absolutely aren’t funny – unless they happen to Jessica Simpson, in which case they sort of are.

Jessica Simpson was released from hospital yesterday after being treated for what’s being described as a kidney infection. However, details are vague and nobody knows if Jessica Simpson had a real kidney infection or whether it was just a smokescreen for a more embarrassing ailment.

But, just this once, we’ll take the bait. Our guess is that Jessica Simpson really did have a kidney infection, but only because that means Jessica Simpson definitely has really stinky piss. Jessica ‘Stinky Piss’ Simpson. Old stinky piss, that’s her. Stinky piss.

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Dennis Quaid Describes Horrible Baby Twin Almost-Deaths

by Stuart Heritage

Four months ago a hospital worker accidentally overdosed Dennis Quaid’s newborn twins with 1,000 times the recommended dose of blood thinner.

That’s an almost unfathomably horrible thing for anyone to have to go through, and yet Dennis Quaid has happily given a televised interview where he recounts the whole awful story from beginning to end. Why would Dennis Quaid subject himself to this? Because he’s still furious about the cock-up and claims that medical mistakes are responsible for 100,000 deaths a year in America alone, that’s why.

And also we suspect it’s because if Dennis Quaid didn’t talk about his children almost dying, he’d have had to talk about Vantage Point instead. He must have gone for the least emotionally-gruelling choice.

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Janet Jackson In ‘Slightly Ill’ Shocker

by Stuart Heritage

Minor illnesses are being massively under-represented at the moment, so let’s all thank Jesus right now that Janet Jackson is doing something about it.

You see, Janet Jackson was supposed to be performing on Saturday Night Live this week but she’s dropped out because she’s got the sniffles. Or, as she likes to call it, ‘the flu’.

A fairly serious bout of flu nonetheless, because Janet Jackson wound up in hospital because of it, but on the bright side at least by pulling out of SNL Janet Jackson has stopped an audience of millions from catching whatever degenerative brain disease you get when you’re forced to watch a fortysomething woman repeatedly try to convince you of how sexy she is to a backing of tinpot R&B fluff.

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Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Hilarity Ensues

by Stuart Heritage

Ah, no, wait – that headline should have read ‘Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Despairing Scenes And A Sense That Nobody’s Learnt Anything Ensues’. Our bad, sorry.

Anyway, by now you’ve probably guessed that Britney Spears has been given an early release from her padded room in the psychiatric hospital where she was being held. And you probably also guessed that, now she’s been medically classified as Gravely Disabled, the paparazzi and press would back off and let her recover out of basic human decency.

And you’re right – Britney Spears’ release was only followed by 20 car-swarming paparazzi, two news helicopters and everyone watching the live feed of Britney leaving the hospital and driving through Los Angeles on TV at home. Which is sort of backing off a bit, right? No? Fair enough.

Ah, no, wait - that headline should have read 'Britney Spears Released From Hospital, Despairing Scenes And A Sense That Nobody's Learnt Anything Ensues'. Our bad, sorry. Anyway, by now you've probably guessed that Britney Spears has been given an early release from her padded room in the psychiatric hospital where she was being held. And you probably also guessed that, now she's been medically classified as Gravely Disabled, the paparazzi and press would back off and let her recover out of basic human decency. And you're right - Britney Spears' release was only followed by 20 car-swarming paparazzi, two news helicopters and everyone watching the live feed of Britney leaving the hospital and driving through Los Angeles on TV at home. Which is sort of backing off a bit, right? No? Fair enough.
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Britney Spears To Spend 14 Days In Padded Room

by Stuart Heritage

Five years ago, the thought of Britney Spears getting tied to a bed with leather straps would cause widespread teenage drooling.

Not so much now, though, because if Britney Spears is going to be tied to a bed with leather straps, it’s because Britney’s bipolar disorder has got so out of hand that she’s a danger to herself and others.

It’s been confirmed that Britney Spears will spend the next two weeks in her padded room at the UCLA Medical Centre. And as well as the leather restraints, there’s also a chance that Britney Spears could be force-fed medication if she’s not cooperative. It’s just like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, only a version that everyone got sick of about two minutes in after seeing Jack Nicholson get out of a car with no knickers on for the tenth time.

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Britney Spears Now Gravely Disabled

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a day and a half since Britney Spears was taken to UCLA hospital and kept on psychiatric hold, but have things improved for Britney since then?

Not really. It’s been reported that medics at the hospital have classified Britney Spears as ‘GD’ – or Gravely Disabled, which allows them to keep Britney against her will.

Seeing Britney Spears described as Gravely Disabled by expert professionals might look incredibly shocking, but don’t worry – Gravely Disabled is actually two or three notches up from Wanting To Marry Kevin Federline, so at least we can presume that Britney Spears is on the up and up.

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Britney Spears Being Sectioned

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears has just been sectioned after apparently trying to kill herself.

In scenes eerily reminiscent of the last time she was carted off to hospital after a meltdown, ambulances, helicopters and police cars all recently descended onto the home of Britney Spears to keep her detained in hospital for at least 72 hours.

Even for Britney Spears, these last few days have been incredibly dramatic, with her manager Sam Lutfi’s claims that Britney is mentally ill apparently sparking off a public roadside nervous breakdown that led to ugly squabbles between Britney Spears, her family, her manager and her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib.

According to reports, Britney Spears has been taken to UCLA Medical Centre where she’ll be observed for 72 hours, with the stay extended for up to two weeks should she refuse to take her medication. The sectioning comes amid reports that Britney Spears hasn’t slept since Saturday. Although rumours are circulating about an alleged suicide attempt, nothing has been made official yet.

More on this one as we get it.

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Britney Went Willingly – TMZ

Britney Spears has just been sectioned after apparently trying to kill herself. In scenes eerily reminiscent of the last time she was carted off to hospital after a meltdown, ambulances, helicopters and police cars all recently descended onto the home of Britney Spears to keep her detained in hospital for at least 72 hours. Even for Britney Spears, these last few days have been incredibly dramatic, with her manager Sam Lutfi's claims that Britney is mentally ill apparently sparking off a public roadside nervous breakdown that led to ugly squabbles between Britney Spears, her family, her manager and her boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. According to reports, Britney Spears has been taken to UCLA Medical Centre where she'll be observed for 72 hours, with the stay extended for up to two weeks should she refuse to take her medication. The sectioning comes amid reports that Britney Spears hasn't slept since Saturday. Although rumours are circulating about an alleged suicide attempt, nothing has been made official yet. More on this one as we get it. Read more: Britney Went Willingly - TMZ
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VIDEO: Chris Martin Takes Rage Out Of His Lyrics, Places It On Some Guy

by Shawn Lindseth

We here at hecklerspray have a dream, and that dream includes two powerful fists, and shoes with spikes on the top & springs on the bottom. It's for jumping and jabbing. We're tough now, you see, and once we prove our manhood via physical combat in malls with random passer-bys, the Drudge Report might take [...]

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Eminem Gets Pneumonia & Goes To Hospital

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a long time since we heard from Eminem, but in the meantime it looks like he’s been keeping busy by eating cake and walking around in wet clothes.

It’s been reported, you see, that Eminem went to hospital over the Christmas period because of a serious heart condition and complications from pneumonia, with sources adding that he’s ballooned in weight to over 200 lb. Of course, this illness and massive weight-gain means that Eminem can’t be called Slim Shady any more, and so he’s thought to be deciding on a new name, with either Fatt Poorly or Pensioner’z Illnezz being current front-runners.

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Britney Spears’ Meltdown: Don’t Worry, Dr Phil’s On It

by Stuart Heritage

Now that she’s at her lowest-ever ebb, it seems obvious that what Britney Spears needs is some homespun, slightly sensationalist advice given by a TV presenter who looks like a shaved bear.

So with that in mind, thank Christ that Dr Phil has taken it upon himself to personally wade in and resolve to fix Britney Spears’ broken mind forever. According reports, Dr Phil managed to accompany Britney Spears home after her weird little episode on Thursday evening that ended up with her being wheeled to hospital in a stretcher for psychological tests. And Dr Phil is so hell-bent on sorting out Britney Spears’ life that he’s even going to do a TV show all about it tomorrow. And quite right too, because if anything’s going to set Britney onto the straight and narrow it’s the sight of a chubby bald man pointing at a photo of her and shouting “Let’s do it! Get real!” 350 times on the trot on daytime TV.

Now that she's at her lowest-ever ebb, it seems obvious that what Britney Spears needs is some homespun, slightly sensationalist advice given by a TV presenter who looks like a shaved bear. So with that in mind, thank Christ that Dr Phil has taken it upon himself to personally wade in and resolve to fix Britney Spears' broken mind forever. According reports, Dr Phil managed to accompany Britney Spears home after her weird little episode on Thursday evening that ended up with her being wheeled to hospital in a stretcher for psychological tests. And Dr Phil is so hell-bent on sorting out Britney Spears' life that he's even going to do a TV show all about it tomorrow. And quite right too, because if anything's going to set Britney onto the straight and narrow it's the sight of a chubby bald man pointing at a photo of her and shouting "Let's do it! Get real!" 350 times on the trot on daytime TV.
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