Articles tagged with: Beyonce
Beyonce To Ruin Cinematic Masterpiece Sister Act
Stop the presses. Beyonce Knowles is about to do something rather marvellous and it does not even involve her wiggling her booty out of time with mediocre music. She is rumoured to be in talks to star in Sister Act. What do you mean is that it? Terrible 80s films are the new black. Watching Beyonce break out into a cold sweat when she realises that she has to hold an audience's attention without the use of her arse cheeks is going to be worth the inflated price of admission.
Stop the presses. Beyonce Knowles is about to do something rather marvellous and it does not even involve her wiggling her booty out of time with mediocre music. She is rumoured to be in talks to star in Sister Act. What do you mean is that it? Terrible 80s films are the new black. Watching Beyonce break out into a cold sweat when she realises that she has to hold an audience's attention without the use of her arse cheeks is going to be worth the inflated price of admission.
BIG NEWS! Kim Kardashian’s Hair Sort Of Changes Colour
Swine Flu? Forget swine flu. Global economic catastrophe? Screw that as well. There's only one real news story today. Brace yourselves. Kim Kardashian's hair is very slightly lighter than it used to be. We know. How on earth are any of us expected to concentrate on anything at all today knowing that Kim Kardashian's hair is almost imperceptibly blonder than it was a week ago? What if surgeons or aircraft pilots were to suddenly start thinking about how marginally different Kim Kardashian's hair was now instead of their real jobs? We'd all be dead. You hear that, Kim Kardashian? DEAD.
Swine Flu? Forget swine flu. Global economic catastrophe? Screw that as well. There's only one real news story today. Brace yourselves. Kim Kardashian's hair is very slightly lighter than it used to be. We know. How on earth are any of us expected to concentrate on anything at all today knowing that Kim Kardashian's hair is almost imperceptibly blonder than it was a week ago? What if surgeons or aircraft pilots were to suddenly start thinking about how marginally different Kim Kardashian's hair was now instead of their real jobs? We'd all be dead. You hear that, Kim Kardashian? DEAD.
Obsessed Attracts The Weekend Box Office, Fatally
Fatal Attraction was OK, but the wife never had a music video where she danced like she was trying to shake a leech off her bum. But that’s fine. That particular problem has been rectified thanks to Obsessed, the new Beyonce movie that’s exactly the same as Fatal Attraction but stars Beyonce so you know it’ll end with the wife writing a furious pop song about how crap men are instead of murdering her husband’s mistress. Anyway, Obsessed is the new weekend box office number one, so do whatever you like with that information.
Fatal Attraction was OK, but the wife never had a music video where she danced like she was trying to shake a leech off her bum. But that’s fine. That particular problem has been rectified thanks to Obsessed, the new Beyonce movie that’s exactly the same as Fatal Attraction but stars Beyonce so you know it’ll end with the wife writing a furious pop song about how crap men are instead of murdering her husband’s mistress. Anyway, Obsessed is the new weekend box office number one, so do whatever you like with that information.
Beyonce Isn’t An Incredibly Terrible Singer, Says Beyonce
As we all know, Beyonce is a leading authority on jiggling her bottom around and shouting about how much she hates men. But apparently Beyonce also sings. It's news to us - we thought the music on that Single Ladies video was merely a backing accompaniment so that Beyonce could keep time while she attempted to repeatedly poke our eyes out with her pelvic floor. However, Beyonce's reputation as a singer has been sorely dented by a fake leaked soundboard feed, since it essentially makes her sound like the Star Trek theme tune played on a xylophone made out of cats.
As we all know, Beyonce is a leading authority on jiggling her bottom around and shouting about how much she hates men. But apparently Beyonce also sings. It's news to us - we thought the music on that Single Ladies video was merely a backing accompaniment so that Beyonce could keep time while she attempted to repeatedly poke our eyes out with her pelvic floor. However, Beyonce's reputation as a singer has been sorely dented by a fake leaked soundboard feed, since it essentially makes her sound like the Star Trek theme tune played on a xylophone made out of cats.
Sexiest Women Of The Noughties (So Far)
With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect. How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears? Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.
With The Noughties almost at an end, it’s time to reflect. How will they best be remembered? Will people look back at a decade of global disasters, like 9/11, the world banking crisis and George W Bush? Or even the rise of talentless celebs such as Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears? Well, we could list things all day, but being the shallow idiots we are, we have instead decided to focus on what really matters – the sexiest women. Call it a study of our shifting ideas about beauty and fashion if you like, but it’s really just another excuse to scour the internet for pictures of sexy girls.
Jamie Foxx Outfoxes Foxy Intruder In Non-Scripted Foxy Death-Fight
Well right off, let us just tell you that the title up there has probably misled you a little. Sure, Jamie Foxx did recently fend off an intruder in his own hotel room recently, but sources have since indicated it was his Nanna. And now just let us tell you that the above paragraph may have misled you as well. Although Foxx did have to push an intruder out of his hotel door, we're told it was more of a stalker-type relationship than an actual blood relative. Also nobody died, and nobody was foxy.
Well right off, let us just tell you that the title up there has probably misled you a little. Sure, Jamie Foxx did recently fend off an intruder in his own hotel room recently, but sources have since indicated it was his Nanna. And now just let us tell you that the above paragraph may have misled you as well. Although Foxx did have to push an intruder out of his hotel door, we're told it was more of a stalker-type relationship than an actual blood relative. Also nobody died, and nobody was foxy.
Beyonce Fans Are Morons Say Scientists
It’s very easy to point the finger and accuse people of being something they're not. Just the other day we got called tight-fisted for refusing to pay an old lady's bus fare late at night. Yes it was raining but, Jesus, she wouldn’t share her umbrella. What goes around comes around you see. For years we’ve often assumed that people who listen to pop music are morons who live in a fantasy land. Of course everything will work out happily ever after like in all their videos and song. Now, scientists have banged their brains together to prove what we all knew all along.
It’s very easy to point the finger and accuse people of being something they're not. Just the other day we got called tight-fisted for refusing to pay an old lady's bus fare late at night. Yes it was raining but, Jesus, she wouldn’t share her umbrella. What goes around comes around you see. For years we’ve often assumed that people who listen to pop music are morons who live in a fantasy land. Of course everything will work out happily ever after like in all their videos and song. Now, scientists have banged their brains together to prove what we all knew all along.
WEBTHUMP! Thursday 26 February 2009
10 - There are no words to describe how much we want to see this film. No words at all... 9 - Here's a list of horribly unfit celebrities - Mensfitness 8 - Want to see a picture of a stranger grabbing at Lily Allen's genitals? OK ...
