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Arrested celebrities

Amy Winehouse May Need To Use New Delivery Service. Allegedly.

by Ian Dransfield

Think of some of the greatest jobs in the world from a purely money-making perspective and ‘Amy Winehouse’s drug dealer’ is sure to pop up near the top of the list. Maybe it would drop below the ranking of something like ‘supermodel massage artist who earns £500 a minute and is in constant demand’ or [...]

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Jamie Lynn Spears Gets A ‘Stalky’ Paparazzo Arrested

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears – ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren’t as interested in pregnant teenagers.

That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago.

Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn’t understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn’t very bloody nice, trust us.

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears - ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren't as interested in pregnant teenagers. That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago. Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn't understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn't very bloody nice, trust us.
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Tatum O’Neal: ‘Whew, Thank God They Arrested Me For Buying All That Crack’

by Stuart Heritage

If we’d just been arrested for buying a bunch of crack and powder cocaine, we’d be fairly grumpy about it – start the day without crack? We’re not animals!

However, Tatum O’Neal is positively thrilled that the police caught her buying crack in a sting operation. According to her it was apparently the first time she’d bought herself any crack after years of sobriety, and the arrest was like a rough, humiliating intervention from Jesus Christ himself.

What’s more, Tatum O’Neal says that she only turned to crack because her dog died. Seriously. Maybe this is where Amy Winehouse went so wrong – she’d have been an angelic little choirgirl if her guinea pig hadn’t got the sniffles when she was six and a half.

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Tatum O’Neal ‘Buys Crack’, Gets Nicked

by Stuart Heritage

Think of Tatum O’Neal and you’ll probably think of the adorable 10-year-old who won an Oscar for singing Keep Your Sunny Side Up in Paper Moon.

Unless you’ve happened to hear the news about Tatum O’Neal getting arrested for allegedly buying crack and powder cocaine in an NYPD sting yesterday, of course, in which case you probably see Tatum O’Neal as a hellish cross between Amy Winehouse and, well, Ryan O’Neal. Don’t dwell on that for too long, by the way. It’ll scar you.

But, yes, Tatum O’Neal has been arrested for apparently buying crack. A former child star getting in trouble with drugs – honestly, wonders will never cease.

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Stupid Law & Order Actor Tries To Take Gun Onto Plane

by Stuart Heritage

Plane security is so confusing – medicine is OK, but not hair gel or toothpaste or, as it turns out, loaded unregistered semiautomatic handguns.

We only know this, though, because former Law & Order actor Dennis Farina tried to board a plane with a loaded unregistered semiautomatic handgun in his briefcase and was promptly arrested for it.

Although some are accusing Dennis Farina of gross stupidity almost to the point of mental illness for trying to take a loaded gun onto a plane, we actually couldn’t disagree more – Farina’s arrest has just closed down another airport security loophole. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just unwitting foiled Al Qaeda’s latest sneaky plan to hijack a bunch of planes by hiding loaded guns in terrorists’ briefcases. He deserves your credit.

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DMX Arrested Again, For Just About Everything

by Stuart Heritage

We know this is confusing, but sit tight and we’ll try and explain – although DMX was arrested on Wednesday, he’s now been arrested for something else entirely.

Wednesday’s arrest was for speeding, but his time DMX was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession after a SWAT team raided his house on Friday morning and found five pit bull puppies and half a pound of cannabis.

So, to try and help east the confusion a little, we’ve come up with a little rhyme to help you keep track of DMX’s arrests: If DMX was busted Wednesday last, he’s been caught driving cars too fast; if DMX is busted on Friday morn, the partially-burnt carcasses of mistreated pets were found on his lawn. We’re available for hire, you know.

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DMX Continues To Drive Cars Like A Bellend

by Stuart Heritage

There are plenty of places you don’t want to see DMX – like in a movie, for example. Actually, mainly a movie. Seriously, have you seen Father Of Lies?

But one other place where you don’t want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he’s flipping well at it again.

DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There’s just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn’t there? It’s like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.

There are plenty of places you don't want to see DMX - like in a movie, for example. Actually, mainly a movie. Seriously, have you seen Father Of Lies? But one other place where you don't want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he's flipping well at it again. DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There's just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn't there? It's like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.
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Amy Winehouse Arrested For That Crazy Crack Video

by Stuart Heritage

You might want to sit down for this – apparently Amy Winehouse has been known to occasionally take drugs.

We know, we were shocked when we found out, too. But apparently it’s true, because Amy Winehouse was last night arrested and bailed in connection with that secretly-filmed video of her appearing to smoke crack in her flat from earlier this year.

There’s a slim chance that Amy Winehouse could face jail after this arrest, which we’d actually be OK with. Hopefully her incarceration will be timed to coincide with the release of her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. That way Blake can start sleeping with a boy who looks like little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders while she’s locked up, to see how she likes it. Revenge is sweet! And quite disturbing to think about!

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Dennis Rodman Busted For Domestic Battery Shenanigans

by Stuart Heritage

Dennis Rodman has always come off as a lovely chap – the sort of man who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

So it’s a shock to hear that Dennis Rodman, the 6’6″ heavily-tattooed and facially-pierced athlete turned part-time wrestler and reality TV show star, has been arrested on suspicion of attacking his girlfriend during a drunken incident in aLos Angeles hotel.

We’re genuinely stunned by this news. We’ve seen Dennis Rodman on TV over the past few years, and he just doesn’t look the sort. It’s utterly implausible from however you look at it. Dennis Rodman has a girlfriend? An actual real girlfriend? We don’t buy it for a second.

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Some CSI Bloke In More Exciting Than CSI Drug Bust

by Stuart Heritage

Just watching more than one episode of CSI per lifetime is enough to turn anyone into a snarling drug-addicted mess, so imagine actually starring in it.

Seriously, it must mess you up something rotten. Let’s take any CSI actor completely at random and see what starring in CSI has done to them. Let’s randomly pick, say, Gary Dourdan. It turns out that Gary Dourdan has been arrested for being asleep in his car with heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and several assorted prescription drugs in his possession.

And we chose Gary Dourdan entirely at random. Good job we didn’t pick David Caruso, really – just look what being in CSI has done to his hair.

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