hecklerspray is on a waiting list three-years long for the privilege of touching some soap that's said to have once washed the velvety-nethers of Louis Farrakhan during the million man march.
And literally during the march too – at the intersection of Pennsylvania Ave & 14th St we heard he just felt sweaty down there. Whether or not we'll ever actually get to touch that soap is unknown to us – we hope so though. We hear it has an incredible lather.
Also, one day we'd really like to touch Cher – if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently – he tried a whole bunch of times.
But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead.
She didn't stab him. We reiterate – Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher's meat into more age-friendly sizes.
Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate – Cher can cut her own meat.
We are absolutely positive that people all over the world would love to touch Cher – and why wouldn't they? After all, if you touch her and then put your fingers straight in your mouth your spit actually becomes a gonorrhea-antidote – over twelve scientists have proved this.
That's why, when the horrible time comes that Cher lays down to give her ghost, Canada's already made a big jar to keep her skin in. They know it's gross – but it's for science. Once gonorrhea has been triumphantly defeated forever we can afford to put her skin underground with her skeleton – but until then, venereal diseases everywhere simply won't allow it.
On to truer news – Cher was sitting in some bar somewhere simply trying to enjoy herself behind a velvet rope, when some young drunk kept trying to get all handsy. Fox News says:
"Police say 36-year-old Calvin Hutton Houghland tried to make contact with Cher at the club early Wednesday morning and was asked to leave. The report says Houghland complied but returned a short time later and grabbed Cher by the waist as she sat in a roped-off area. Houghland was escorted from the bar, but he returned again and approached Cher in an aggressive manner. When security blocked his advances, he called police to say he had been assaulted…Police said Cher declined to prosecute the man for assault for grabbing her, but police said he asked to be arrested."
Cher probably spent the rest of the evening wondering if Houghland could be 'the one' for her, and sketching pictures on cocktail napkins of what she thought their kids might look like.
Two of them looked like the guy from Mask, which she wasn't as open to as she'd hoped that film had made her.
This is just what we heard.