But one other place where you don’t want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he’s flipping well at it again.
DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There’s just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn’t there? It’s like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.
The thing we like best about DMX is his stunning versatility. It applies to everything in his life, you see – one minute he’ll be singing a song called Fuck Y’All, then he’ll flip reverse it and sing a song called We Don’t Give A Fuck. Or take DMX’s films – one day he might decide to make a hopelessly generic low-budget straight-to-DVD action thriller like Death Toll, then he’ll decide to make a hopelessly generic low-budget straight-to-DVD action thriller like Never Die Alone.
And this extraordinary versatility extends to DMX’s criminal record, too. You just never know which crazy way DMX will choose to break the law at any given moment in time. On the one hand he might refuse to wear a seatbelt in an aeroplane, but on the other the decomposing corpses of his inhumanely treated pet dogs might be burnt in an attempt to fend off animal cruelty accusations. You just never know with that crazy kid.
Mainly, though, DMX will break the law with a car if he gets the chance. He doesn’t care what sort of car, so long as it’s got wheels and can easily be used to do whatever cack-headed illegal whim he can think of. You name it – be it driving on a suspended license or hiding a gun under the seat or crashing it and then claiming he’s an FBI agent – if it involves a car and is deeply moronic, DMX can be sure to have done it.
And this time DMX has managed to get arrested for driving his car at almost twice the speed limit in Arizona. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky clearly-marked speed cameras everywhere. Reuters reports:
Simmons, 37, is accused in the January 21 incident of racing on a highway, reckless driving, two counts of endangerment, three counts of speeding and driving on a suspended license. “Criminal speeding endangers the lives of everyone on the road,” said Roger Vanderpool, state Department of Public Safety director, in a prepared statement. “Mr. Simmons wasn’t signalled out because of his notoriety.”
Although the sheer frequency of car-based arrests DMX has found himself with suggests that any punishment he receives will be harsh, hopefully it won’t involve DMX having his car taken away from him. Cars run through DMX’s veins. Literally, he has abnormally wide veins. Anyway, you know what DMX is without a car in his life? Ja Rule, that’s what. Terrifying.
And, besides, if DMX isn’t allowed to repeatedly break the law in his car any more, then what’ll he do? Get sleep-raped by more women? Come on!