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Arrested celebrities

Video: Kanye West Summons The Powers Of Rap To Break Things & Get Arrested

by Shawn Lindseth

Kanye West lives in a world where once he achieves a certain meditative state, wondrously graceful pixies fly in through his open window and whisper unconventional rap lyrics into his ear. A little pink one named ‘Ice Cream’ whispered all of Gold Digger to him once when he fell asleep on the toilet.

We have this all on good authority. We wouldn’t publish it any other way.

When West is getting that springtime fresh pixie breath whispered into his ear – well we bet nothing has ever felt better. When he’s not though – that’s gotta just bring him down. He definitely didn’t have any magical fairy friends with him when he grabbed a photographers camera, lifted it way over his head and then threw it to the ground as hard as he possibly could.

This was all caught on tape by the way – video tape, to be exact.

Kanye West lives in a world where once he achieves a certain meditative state, wondrously graceful pixies fly in through his open window and whisper unconventional rap lyrics into his ear. A little pink one named 'Ice Cream' whispered all of Gold Digger to him once when he fell asleep on the toilet. We have this all on good authority. We wouldn't publish it any other way. When West is getting that springtime fresh pixie breath whispered into his ear - well we bet nothing has ever felt better. When he's not though - that's gotta just bring him down. He definitely didn't have any magical fairy friends with him when he grabbed a photographers camera, lifted it way over his head and then threw it to the ground as hard as he possibly could. This was all caught on tape by the way - video tape, to be exact.
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Suge Knight Busted For Beating Up Girlfriend In An Alleged Way

by Stuart Heritage

Suge Knight, the hip-hop Uncle Albert, is a fairly intimidating man – he’s like a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard.

Make that a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard and a nasty habit of driving round Las Vegas punching women in the head and threatening them with knives until he gets arrested. Or punching one woman in the head and threatening her with a knife, at least. And that woman’s his girlfriend. Allegedly.

Suge Knight has been arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. Oh, and possession of a controlled substance too, because he allegedly had Ecstasy andhydrocodone on him when he was busted. Like we’ve always said, there ain’t no violent knifey drug party like a Suge Knight violent knifey drug party.

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Shia LaBeouf Arrested For The Old Glug Glug Vroom Vroom

by Stuart Heritage

It’s weird to think that Shia LaBeouf could ever get arrested for DUI, but that’s because he looks like he’s about six years old.

Honestly, look at Shia LaBeouf’s adorable little puppydog face – it’s as if a single drop of alcohol has never passed his lips. But apparently it has – early yesterday morning Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of DUI after he crashed his car in Hollywood.

Really though? Shia LaBeouf? DUI? There must be another explanation. Perhaps Shia was impaired on something other than alcohol, like Haribo or Um Bongo. And perhaps he only crashed his car because his adorable little legs couldn’t stretch all the way down to the pedals, the wubby little lamby wamb.

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Christian Bale Went Spazzy Over Sister Cash Request: Claim

by Stuart Heritage

Christian Bale is easily our hero of the week – his dedication to clown-attacking even extends to his own clown mother, for god’s sake.

But, in all of this possibly-illegal motherclown-beating kerfuffle, one question has stood out above all others – what makes a newly-minted megastar like Christian Bale start whaling on his mother and sister on the happiest day of his life?

Turns out the reason might be cash. According to reports today, Christian Bale kicked off after his sister asked him for £100,000 to help raise her three children. Frankly we’re disgusted – doesn’t Christian Bale know that all children have the right to receive occasional gifts of more than the average British annual working wage that their mother has managed to guilt out of their moviestar uncle? Shame on you, Mr Bale. Shame on you indeed.

Christian Bale is easily our hero of the week - his dedication to clown-attacking even extends to his own clown mother, for god's sake. But, in all of this possibly-illegal motherclown-beating kerfuffle, one question has stood out above all others - what makes a newly-minted megastar like Christian Bale start whaling on his mother and sister on the happiest day of his life? Turns out the reason might be cash. According to reports today, Christian Bale kicked off after his sister asked him for £100,000 to help raise her three children. Frankly we're disgusted - doesn't Christian Bale know that all children have the right to receive occasional gifts of more than the average British annual working wage that their mother has managed to guilt out of their moviestar uncle? Shame on you, Mr Bale. Shame on you indeed.
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Christian Bale Becomes New Superhero: Bailman

by Ian Dransfield

Method acting must be great – it provides a surefire way of behaving like something of an idiot in polite society. That is, unless you decide to go home and assault your mum and sister, as it was alleged Christian Bale had gone and done yesterday. That takes things a bit far, away from the [...]

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Batman Christian Bale Arrested For Allegedly Beating Mum And Sister Up

by Stuart Heritage

So you’re Christian Bale; you’re the star of The Dark Knight – one of the biggest movies ever – but Heath Ledger’s stolen your acclaim.

What do you do to redress the balance? Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it’s what Christian Bale seems to have done.

So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We’ll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it’s just a pretty strong hunch.

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DMX Arrested. Again. Snore

by Stuart Heritage

One of these days, we swear to god, DMX is going to do something within the confines of the law – and that’ll be a story.

But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that’ll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less.

Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!

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Andy Dick Arrested For Drug-Centric Booby Fondling

by Stuart Heritage

Some people would consider it an honour to have unfunny sitcom star Andy Dick yank down their top and grab their boob.

Sadly, those people – who we’ll assume have some sort of aggressive cognitive dysfunction – weren’t around yesterday morning when Andy Dick was arrested for sexual battery after, you guessed it, fondling a girl’s boob and yanking down her top in a bar. With some drugs in his pocket.

Andy Dick’s arrest has raised a number of serious questions. Questions like ‘Has Andy Dick fallen off the wagon again?’, ‘Who’s going to employ Andy Dick after this?’ and ‘Andy Dick fondled a girl? A girl? Are you sure it was definitely a girl? Wow, who knew?’

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Did Anne Hathaway Grass Her Shady Boyfriend Up To The Feds?

by Stuart Heritage

Anne Hathaway has it all – a glittering movie career, a winning personality and a face that’s just very slightly too big for her skull.

But there’s one thing that Anne Hathaway doesn’t have any more, and that’s a millionaire Italian boyfriend who’s been arrested for possibly telling lies about being pals with the Pope to trick other stupider millionaires into giving him truckloads of cash. She hasn’t even got one of those. What an idiot.

Anyway, it seems as if Anne Hathaway bailed from her relationship with Raffaello Follieri right before he was arrested by the FBI and locked up on a $21 million bail. A lucky escape? Not according to some friends of Follieri, who are now claiming that Anne Hathaway was the person who ratted him out to the FBI in the first place. Exciting, huh? Just imagine how much more exciting it’d be if a) we knew who Raffaello Follieri was and b) we gave a toss about Anne Hathaway.

Anne Hathaway has it all - a glittering movie career, a winning personality and a face that's just very slightly too big for her skull. But there's one thing that Anne Hathaway doesn't have any more, and that's a millionaire Italian boyfriend who's been arrested for possibly telling lies about being pals with the Pope to trick other stupider millionaires into giving him truckloads of cash. She hasn't even got one of those. What an idiot. Anyway, it seems as if Anne Hathaway bailed from her relationship with Raffaello Follieri right before he was arrested by the FBI and locked up on a $21 million bail. A lucky escape? Not according to some friends of Follieri, who are now claiming that Anne Hathaway was the person who ratted him out to the FBI in the first place. Exciting, huh? Just imagine how much more exciting it'd be if a) we knew who Raffaello Follieri was and b) we gave a toss about Anne Hathaway.
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Man Forbidden From Touching Cher, Requests Incarceration

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray is on a waiting list three-years long for the privilege of touching some soap that’s said to have once washed the velvety-nethers of Louis Farrakhan during the million man march.

And literally during the march too – at the intersection of Pennsylvania Ave & 14th St we heard he just felt sweaty down there. Whether or not we’ll ever actually get to touch that soap is unknown to us – we hope so though. We hear it has an incredible lather.

Also, one day we’d really like to touch Cher – if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently – he tried a whole bunch of times.

But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead.

She didn’t stab him. We reiterate – Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher’s meat into more age-friendly sizes.

Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate – Cher can cut her own meat.

hecklerspray is on a waiting list three-years long for the privilege of touching some soap that's said to have once washed the velvety-nethers of Louis Farrakhan during the million man march. And literally during the march too - at the intersection of Pennsylvania Ave & 14th St we heard he just felt sweaty down there. Whether or not we'll ever actually get to touch that soap is unknown to us - we hope so though. We hear it has an incredible lather. Also, one day we'd really like to touch Cher - if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently - he tried a whole bunch of times. But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead. She didn't stab him. We reiterate - Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher's meat into more age-friendly sizes. Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate - Cher can cut her own meat.
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