Suge Knight, the hip-hop Uncle Albert, is a fairly intimidating man – he’s like a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard.
Make that a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard and a nasty habit of driving round Las Vegas punching women in the head and threatening them with knives until he gets arrested. Or punching one woman in the head and threatening her with a knife, at least. And that woman’s his girlfriend. Allegedly.
Suge Knight has been arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. Oh, and possession of a controlled substance too, because he allegedly had Ecstasy and hydrocodone on him when he was busted. Like we’ve always said, there ain’t no violent knifey drug party like a Suge Knight violent knifey drug party.
You have to feel for Suge Knight a little bit, don’t you? Once feared by all who met him, his life has recently turned into a bit of a farce.
Where he was once the man who apocryphally held Vanilla Ice by his ankles off a 20-storey building and forced one of Diddy‘s associates to drink a cup of urine, now he’s the fat bankrupt bloke who shot himself in the leg that time. Hardly compares, does it?
Still, that’s not to say that Suge Knight has lost his ability to physically intimidate others. He allegedly did a pretty good job of physically intimidating his girlfriend recently, for example. And when we say ‘physically intimidate’ we obviously mean ‘driving in a car punching her in the head until she escaped and then threatening her with a knife.
Because that’s what Suge Knight has been arrested for in Las Vegas. Or, as E! Online puts it:
The 43-year-old Knight had allegedly been punching his girlfriend of three years in the head while he was driving, per the incident report. The woman… grabbed the steering wheel in an attempt to escape, and the vehicle ran up against the curb, coming to a stop. She then managed to flee the car on foot with the burly Knight in pursuit. Just as he caught up to her and brandished a knife at her, officers arrived.
What’s more, a police search uncovered a stash of Ecstasy in Suge’s possession as well. It hasn’t been reported whether Suge Knight was under the influence of Ecstasy at the time, but it’d explain a lot if he was. After all, the drug Ecstasy is renowned for its violence-inducing properties, as explained in the 1988 techno hit I’ll Pull A Knife On You, You Bitch by Altern-8.
But anyway, at least this arrest might end up carving out a new career avenue for Suge Knight. Provided, of course, that VH-1 got our pitch for the reality TV show Celebrity Wifebeaters starring Suge, Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman, and featuring special guest star Bill Murray as the inexplicably violent next door neighbour Punchy McSexualaddiction.
Look, shut up – it couldn’t be as bad as Flavor Of Love, OK?
Stabby McGee says
You leave Punchy out of this.