When Vanilla Ice told you to stop, collaborate and listen, he meant it – and if you failed to comply he’d wallop your skull in with a crowbar.
So we can assume that Vanilla Ice’s wife hasn’t been doing very much in the way of stopping, collaborating or listening lately – because Vanilla Ice has been arrested on suspicion of violently assaulting her.
It sounds very serious and deeply worrying, but there’s a glimmer of good news in this as well – by allegedly kicking and punching his terrified wife, Vanilla Ice has become more famous than he has been for 17 years. If only all laughably forgotten novelty performers had the insight to viciously attack a woman, maybe they’d also be enjoying the same spoils as Vanilla Ice right now. The fools.
Back in the early 1990s, Vanilla Ice was the king. Specifically he was the king of wearing awful clothes, having a dreadful haircut and only having one song that was any good. But that was still enough for Vanilla Ice to fulfil his two life-long dreams – performing a song on the soundtrack to a sequel of a movie about animatronic tortoises and putting his hands down Madonna‘s pants in a mucky book about doing it.
But that must all seem so long ago now. Now, after about a billion failed comebacks – including one on Channel Five reality TV show The Farm – Vanilla Ice has finally made it! He’s back in the big time!
That’s because, as of right now, Vanilla Ice is the most famous man who was arrested on suspicion of violently attacking his wife last night in the world. Metro reports:
Vanilla Ice (remember him?) has been arrested after an alleged bust-up with his wife. Robert Van Winkle was arrested after his wife, Laura called the police to say her husband was hitting and kicking her, claim reports. Police arrived at his home in Florida and found the 40-year-old motorbike two blocks from their home. According to a local newspaper, Winkle’s wife Laura told a deputy: “He started yelling at me for going out to buy a bedroom set in front of my daughter. “I can’t say any more until I talk to an attorney.
A bedroom set? Oh, well then that’s a different story. We’ve always maintained that violence against a woman is one of the most reprehensible things a man can do, unless it’s about a bedroom set – in which case they’re effing well asking for it.
However, things might not might be as cut and dry at they seem. There are also claims that Vanilla Ice had pushed his wife as opposed to punching and kicking her, and also that she’s bipolar, skipped her medication at threw a picture frame from a balcony at Vanilla Ice and their children.
Vanilla Ice will appear in front of a judge today to find out if the arrest was justifiable – so it’s still by no means certain that this domestic battery arrest has any substance – he does have a history of this sort of thing. In 2004, for example, Vanilla Ice pleaded guilty to the exact same offence.
We’re sure that the full story will emerge over time, provided that the novelty value of being able to write about Vanilla Ice sticks around, at least. But if Vanilla Ice is found guilty and sent to jail, then he’ll have nothing to fear. If violent inmates like one thing, it’s domestic battery prisoners who’ve spent the last two decades as a global cultural joke. He’ll get an easy ride in there for sure.
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TheCookie says
what a total douche …
http://lifeisacookie.wordpress.com/2008/04/11/stop-collaborate-and-lisssssten/
munch says
haha. usually i have to read the whole article for a smile or a suppressed laugh but this time the title was all it took.
i think i’m just easily amused.
munch says
It was just pun-tastic.