Dennis Rodman has always come off as a lovely chap – the sort of man who wouldn’t hurt a fly.
So it’s a shock to hear that Dennis Rodman, the 6’6″ heavily-tattooed and facially-pierced athlete turned part-time wrestler and reality TV show star, has been arrested on suspicion of attacking his girlfriend during a drunken incident in a Los Angeles hotel.
We’re genuinely stunned by this news. We’ve seen Dennis Rodman on TV over the past few years, and he just doesn’t look the sort. It’s utterly implausible from however you look at it. Dennis Rodman has a girlfriend? An actual real girlfriend? We don’t buy it for a second.
Ladies, if you ever meet anyone who used to be famous in the 1990s but isn’t any more, run away. Don’t think, just run away. Chances are they’ll end up violently attacking you. Look at the evidence – first Vanilla Ice was arrested for beating up a woman and now Dennis Rodman has done the exact same thing. Who will it be next? One of The Bluetones? God help us all.
Anyway, back to Dennis Rodman. We haven’t seen much of Rodman in the UK for a while, not since he mumbled “you – chainsaw massacre” in his sleep at Michael Barrymore on Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago. Not that he hasn’t been busy – since then Dennis Rodman has managed to occupy himself by slapping women on the arse and, if these new allegations are true, drunkenly beating up people he’s supposed to be in love with.
That’s right – Dennis Rodman has been arrested for allegedly attacking his girlfriend. The old charmer. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:
The 46-year-old was released this morning on $50,000 bail. A spokesman for the star tells TMZ.com the incident was alcohol induced. The representative says, “Last night Dennis and his girlfriend had too much to drink. When they returned to their hotel they started arguing and a minor altercation broke out where Dennis grabbed her by the arm and left a bruise. His drinking has been escalating in the last six weeks due to a nasty divorce (from Michelle Moyer) and not seeing his children in over two months.”
Oh thank god for that, Dennis Rodman only attacked a woman in a drunken rage. That’s fine, we’ve all done that. And you have to admire Rodman’s three-steps-ahead logic in all of this as well – there’s no faster way to resume visitation rights with your estranged children than by getting shitfaced and beating up your loved ones, is there?
However, maybe Dennis Rodman has even managed to appall himself here – according to the spokesman, Rodman plans to check himself into rehab at the first possible opportunity. That way, next time Dennis Rodman beats up a woman he can do it stone cold sober. Live the dream, Dennis, live the dream.
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The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
Oh, the drama! He grabbed her arm and left a bruise – ATTACK!!!! Please. The man’s 20’30”. If he shakes your hand he’ll leave a bruise. That’s not amazing. An attack is that same gorilla striking you. Or calling you a “Black Cunt” (see the Paris ‘Hylton’ article)
Or wiping his shoes on your couch.