When George Michael is caught being a dimwit in public he tends to respond with either an apology or a furious phonecall to Richard & Judy.
And, since Richard & Judy isn’t on the telly any more, that means that George Michael only has one way to respond to his arrest this weekend on suspicion of sitting on a toilet in Hampstead Heath trying to eat a chunk of crack the size of an owl, or whatever it was that he was arrested for.
In short, now that he’s been cautioned for his possession of crack, George Michael has issued an apology to all his fans promising that he’s going to try and overcome his drug problems once and for all. And a good thing too, because all the George Michael fans needed to calm down – otherwise they’d have done a really slapdash job of cutting everyone’s hair today.
When you think of George Michael, you don’t instantly think of crack cocaine. That’s because, as history has shown us in the form of Pete Doherty, the music that a crack addiction produces is a sort of off-kilter retro indie that sounds like a tranquilised cat being tortured until it makes a noise that sounds like the worst song The Kinks ever wrote.
And since George Michael deals solely in insipid, mimsying soul ballads that only hairdressers and nurses are allowed to like, nobody really made the connection.
But it seems as if the connection is there. On Friday George Michael was arrested on suspicion of the possession of a Class A drug though to be crack after a toilet attendant in Hampstead Heath saw him acting all peculiar and reported him to the police.
It’s not the first time that George Michael has found himself in trouble because of drugs – in the past he’s been found slumped at the wheel of his car with cannabis in his possession, smoking as much cannabis as possible on national television and taking loads of whatever drug it is that makes you feel up unemployed van drivers in a bush in front of the world’s press.
But crack? That’s a much more serious problem. As we all know, prolonged exposure to crack makes you grow a funny haircut and start screeching the word “BLAKE!” at intermittent points throughout your songs, and that would never do.
However, it seems as if this arrest has made George Michael come to his senses a little, because in his obligatory post-arrest apology to fans, George Michael has hinted that he might be about to attempt something of a clean-up:
“I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I’ll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them.”
Sorry, but this sounds like the most insincere piece of tosh we’ve ever heard. Not because George Michael constantly apologises to his fans after these drug arrests and yet he never seems to do anything about it, but because George Michael obviously doesn’t care about how much he bores people. If he did, all copies of Jesus To A Child would currently be sealed inside a lead box, encased in concrete and buried 400ft underground where it couldn’t do anybody any more damage.
Still, at least an arrest on suspicion of crack possession is probably as bad as things will ever get for George Michael. And, on the bright side, he’s now got something to pin his confusing friendship with Geri Halliwell a few years ago on. After all, a fevered crack-dependent mind is just about the only logical reason why anyone would willingly want to go through a mental torture like that.
Shooty* says
“all the George Michael fans needed to calm down – otherwise they’d have done a really slapdash job of cutting everyone’s hair today”
Tea-all-over-monitor moment. Thanks for that.
Johnny_Paycheque says
F-U stuwrat heritage u looser u dont appreciate da music of gorge miuchael i bet ur reallysad he done more in 1 year than you acheve in whole life
ur really sad i bet u have a huge stupid blond beard ur a failled tv hack!!!!!!!!!1111
Stuart Heritage says
The comedy stylings of Neil Hunter from Channel Four’s Tonightly there, ladies and gentleman. And for your information, Neil, the beard makes me look wise and distinguished and not at all like a scummy old homeless
magnetite says
Oh, come on George. Joints, yeah – but crack? Nothing wrong with a little joint, a massive joint; or even a joint the size of a rolled-up remnant from Carpetright…but crack? I was prepared to cope with the fact that the crack you preferred had ‘back, sack and’ in front of it – and I liked the singles Faith and Freedom ’90…a bit…but come on, lad. Crack is just Horse for pussies who are frightened of needles. Do you want me to get the Choose Life t-shirt I foolishly bought in the 80’s out of the dog’s basket and send it to you. Well, do you? I hope not, ’cause it f**king stinks of dog farts now.
Gilbert Wham says
Crack’s actually excellent if you inject it too, as it goes Magnetite. You need to add citric acid to it, as it’s not water-soluble like cocaine, which is an alkaloid salt.
J Bollocks says
“ur really sad i bet u have a huge stupid blond beard ur a failled tv hack!!!!!!!!!1111
I think I’ve seen actual photogs of said Stuart Heritage and if so he did look twat-ish.
So perhaps best limit those TV spots hey SH?
Re George M. why oh why does he always do it in a public bog? HRH Princess Di must be squirming (although in a very sexy see through dress-you can see her vag if you squint way) in her grave.
George M, try out the back of the local pub, at least people won’t think you’re cottaging again.
magnetite says
Thanks, Gilbert. That’s going to replace the nun made out of spiders and knives in my nightmares now. Injecting Fizz Bombs, eh? Whatever next?
I just can’t see why cannabis, poppers, three-quarters of a bottle of a cheeky Merlot; and the tickle of a well-trimmed ‘tash on the toilet parts isn’t enough for the poor fella any more.
(That wasn’t me providing my C.V., by the way – just in case anyone was wondering)
Chris says
still waiting for an appology for his music
The Dread Pirate Sausage says
magnetite:
re: ‘Back sack and crack’
Please don’t ever do that again. Spat all over my keyboard.
Thank you Stuart Heritage. You are quite funny.