If you're like us, you watched the video to Club Tropicana by Wham and thought "That George Michael has got to be the most monogamously heterosexual man on the freaking planet!" How wrong we all were.
Just days after George Michael was snapped emerging from a bush after apparently getting up to all kinds of sexy gubbins with an unemployed van driver from Brighton, George's boyfriend Kenny Goss has reportedly decided that he doesn't want to get married to George Michael any more. Not because of the hedge fumble, mind you, but because he's only just realised what a bag of arse Listen Without Prejudice is, 16 years after it was released.
George Michael, he's a rum one, isn't he? He hasn't really had a proper hit single for eight years, and yet he's always in the papers. If his music was a tenth as exciting as his personal life, George Michael would be the most famous person in the history of mankind and not the slightly anonymous bloke who mumbled Drive My Car at the back of the stage at Live 8. If George Michael hasn't been falling asleep in his car with a load of drugs on him this year, he's smashing into loads of cars while trying to pull away from a kerb. And if he's not doing that, he's doing a gay sex on a van driver in a bush. Or something.
Come on, you know the George Michael bush fumble story by now – and you're busy writing haikus about it – but in short it's this: a photographer took a picture of George Michael stumbling out of a bush in Hampstead Heath after some kind of sexual encounter with an unemployed van driver. And, although there won't be a police investigation into the incident, George's boyfriend Kenny Goss is so upset by the whole affair that he's reportedly cancelled their wedding. George and Kenny were set to marry each other to celebrate their tenth anniversary, but now a source has told The Daily Mail:
"They are reassessing their relationship at the moment so there are no immediate plans. Things are very much up in the air."
Luckily for George Michael, he's always got the perfect Get Out Of Jail Card Free card – the funny music video. If we all close our eyes as tight as we can and wish real hard, maybe – just maybe – the next George Michael single will come with a video of George sending himself up by wanking a fat bloke off in a hedge. In a hilarious way, of course. Who'd be able to stay angry with him if he did that?
[story by Stuart Heritage]