It’s weird to think that Shia LaBeouf could ever get arrested for DUI, but that’s because he looks like he’s about six years old.
Honestly, look at Shia LaBeouf’s adorable little puppydog face – it’s as if a single drop of alcohol has never passed his lips. But apparently it has – early yesterday morning Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of DUI after he crashed his car in Hollywood.
Really though? Shia LaBeouf? DUI? There must be another explanation. Perhaps Shia was impaired on something other than alcohol, like Haribo or Um Bongo. And perhaps he only crashed his car because his adorable little legs couldn’t stretch all the way down to the pedals, the wubby little lamby wamb.
Admit it, when you look at Shia LaBeouf you just want to grab him by the cheeks, muss up his hair and give him a shiny sixpence to buy some bon bons with. This is because Shia LaBeouf couldn’t be any more adorable if he was made from kitten whiskers and angel breath.
Or is he? Because lately Shia LaBeouf has found himself getting into more and more trouble. Real trouble too, not the sort of imaginary 1950s schoolboy trouble that we keep assuming Shia gets into, like being clipped round the ear by a bobby for carrying a peashooter or being chased from the farm by Old Man McGee for scrumping apples from his orchard.
Instead Shia LaBeouf has committed the heinous crimes of using homophobic slurs on YouTube and smoking cigarettes and sort of standing around in a pharmacy when he wasn’t supposed to.
With a track record like that it’s only a matter of time before Shia LaBeouf does something really stupid, like get drunk and drive his car around until he cras… what? He’s already done that? On Sunday morning? Oh Shia, you adorably illegal scamp. The Los Angeles Times reports:
Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving early Sunday in Hollywood after he and two other people were hurt in a crash. Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies said LaBeouf made a left turn and collided with an oncoming car about 2:30 a.m. at the intersection of La Brea and Fountain avenues. The actor’s Ford F-150 pickup truck rolled over in the crash.
Well, it’s certainly fortunate that nobody was seriously hur… what? Shia LaBeouf drives a pickup truck? A pickup truck? What for, to store all the logs that he chops down during a hard day’s acting? To transport all the manual labour equipment he needs to pretend to be Indiana Jones‘ little boy? Shia LaBeouf can’t even grow a beard properly, for crying out loud! What’s he doing bombing round in a titting pickup truck?
Anyway, back to our original point. It’s fortunate that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. If he’s charged with DUI, perhaps this incident will serve as a wake-up call for Shia to reign in his youthful excesses before he causes some serious damage.
But why did Shia LaBeouf drink-drive in the first place? He doesn’t seem as much of an irresponsible douchetard as Lindsay Lohan, and surely he can’t be filled with as much obvious self-loathing as Mel Gibson, can he?
Well maybe he can. That last Indiana Jones movie was pretty rubbish. We’d be drunk all the time if we were Shia LaBeouf, actually. But if only we could be as adorable…
Kat says
LMFAO! Oh Stuart, how you brighten my day with your wit.