Some people would consider it an honour to have unfunny sitcom star Andy Dick yank down their top and grab their boob.
Sadly, those people – who we’ll assume have some sort of aggressive cognitive dysfunction – weren’t around yesterday morning when Andy Dick was arrested for sexual battery after, you guessed it, fondling a girl’s boob and yanking down her top in a bar. With some drugs in his pocket.
Andy Dick’s arrest has raised a number of serious questions. Questions like ‘Has Andy Dick fallen off the wagon again?’, ‘Who’s going to employ Andy Dick after this?’ and ‘Andy Dick fondled a girl? A girl? Are you sure it was definitely a girl? Wow, who knew?’
We haven’t been keeping track on the war on drugs lately, but it seems to us like the American government might have launched a highly effective anti-drug campaign that’ll stop any young people from ever even trying drugs in the first place – the ‘look at this wankers who take drugs’ campaign.
It’s true – for instance, would you take cocaine knowing that it was the drug of choice of the Barenaked Ladies? No, of course you wouldn’t. You’d be too scared about cocaine inspiring you to write and perform a depressing lacklustre collection of faux-wacky children’s songs.
Similarly, sales of marijuana and Xanax are expected to drop off dramatically in the next few days, as users fear the combination might make them look and act like Andy Dick, the star of a billion gaspingly unfunny sitcoms and the bit about giving blowjobs to cucumbers in Old School.
Andy Dick was arrested on suspicion of sexual battery and drug possession yesterday morning after he allegedly fondled a 17-year-old’s breast in a bar and then pulled her tank top down before police found a gram of marijuana and one unprescribed Xanax in his pocket. The Los Angeles Times reports:
He was recognized by several patrons, including the alleged victim, who approached him… The girl tried to talk to Dick but backed off when she realized how intoxicated he was. Police said that when Dick left he spotted the girl and her friend in the parking lot and shouted, “There are the girls!” He groped her breast with his right hand, then pulled down her top.
This isn’t the first time that Andy Dick has found himself in hot water – a couple of years ago he was forced to publicly apologise after telling a comedy audience that they were all ‘a bunch of niggers‘. However, back then Andy Dick was able to claim he was satirising Michael Richards, who did the exact same thing a week earlier.
However, if there’s any truth behind Andy Dick’s arrest, it’ll be hard for him to claim that yanking down a 17-year-old girl’s top and groping her boobs was a cleverly satirical move. Which is a shame, because if he had a decent enough excuse for it, then – admit it – you’d be out booby-yanking 24/7 too.
Still, Andy Dick isn’t due back in court until August 12, so we have a few weeks to wait before we hear what punishment he’ll be handed. Note to Andy Dick’s judge – if you can start going through the legal books now to discover whether you’re allowed to ban Andy Dick from making any more poo-awful sitcoms, we’d be awful grateful.