Barenaked Ladies Singer Arrested For Something Other Than His Terrible Music

We always thought that Barenaked Ladies’ 1998 hit One Week could only come from a diseased, drug-ravaged mind.

And now we might have been proved correct. Steven Page, the guitarist and singer of twee, humourlessly chirpy Canadian folk-rock one-too-many hit wonders Barenaked Ladies has been arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession.

That’s right, kids, it looks like Barenaked Ladies are on drugs. Steven Page’s arrest has put us in a thoroughly bad mood - we can’t believe our heroes of the awful late-1990s acoustic radio pop scene are involved in drugs. Oh, say it hasn’t spread! Promise us that Sugar Ray are still clean! Look us in the eye and swear that Lyte Funky Ones don’t chase the dragon!

We’d imagine - because we’re assuming that their fans are idiots - that Barenaked Ladies are often quizzed about their 1998 song One Week. Quizzed on things like: “When you sang ‘Chickity China the Chinese chicken/ You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’/ Watchin’ X-Files with no lights on/ We’re dans la maison’, what inspired that?”

Turns out the answer was probably a bloody great pile of cocaine.

In what could go down in history as one of the least likely drug arrests in history, Steven Page - the one from Barenaked Ladies who looks like Russell T Davies‘ primary school photo, the one from Barenaked Ladies who looks like he’d start crying if you got too close to his collection of magic cards - has been busted on suspicion of cocaine possession. Newsday reports:

The 38-year-old was visiting Christine Benedicto at her Fayetteville apartment and the two got into an argument. Police found Benedicto’s car parked on the sidewalk outside the home and went to investigate. They found Page and another woman at the kitchen table with cocaine. Page, Benedicto and the third woman all face drug charges.

According to the manager of Barenaked Ladies, Steven Page has been charged with his crime and must return to court tomorrow.

We’re worried for Steven Page, we really are - he carried Barenaked Ladies through that one song of theirs that anyone can remember from a decade ago, he really sodding did.

If he goes to jail for this the band could split up under the pressure, even though most people already probably assumed that they’d split up some time ago. What would we do then, apart from continue with our lives in exactly the same way as we did before while quickly forgetting that the band ever even existed? Huh?

Hopefully Steven Page will get help for his apparent drug problem, because it’s a slippery slope. First you think you can control it, then the next thing you know you’re babbling nonsensical, self-indulgent words to nobody in particular and… oh bugger, we’re a decade late with this advice, aren’t we?