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Arrested celebrities

Amy Winehouse Cautioned For Nutting That Good Samaritan

by Paul Sorrenti

Fuck me pumps! Crack smoking millionaire Amy Winehouse has done and got herself arrested.

According to Sky News, the beehived-bandit spent last night in police custody on suspicion of girl-assault and has been released this morning with a caution.

Which basically means that her punishment (for headbutting one man who was reportedly trying to help her by hailing a taxi and punching another man in the face during an argument over a pool table) is that for the next five years she’ll have to tick the largely inconsequential ‘yes I got a caution’ box when traveling through customs.

And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, it also all but ends her dreams of being accepted into the police force.

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Police Want Richie Sambora Up For Child Endangerment

by Stuart Heritage

In the past the nearest you could get Bon Jovi to child endangerment involved playing Blaze Of Glory at a toddler until it cried and/or crapped itself.

But not any more – not since Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora was arrested for driving his Hummer around Laguna Beach all shitfaced with his 10-year-old daughter in the passenger seat.

Unsurprisingly the police have taken a rather dim view to it all, and have recommended that prosecutors go all out to hit him with a misdemeanor child endangerment charge. But, really, whatever criminal charges may or may not be be brought against him, Richie Sambora will have to live with the emotional upset that comes with knowing that he endangered the life of his daughter in a moment of stupidity. And, on top of the emotional upset he’s already got from being in a really rubbish band, that’s going to be quite a lot of upset.

In the past the nearest you could get Bon Jovi to child endangerment involved playing Blaze Of Glory at a toddler until it cried and/or crapped itself. But not any more - not since Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora was arrested for driving his Hummer around Laguna Beach all shitfaced with his 10-year-old daughter in the passenger seat. Unsurprisingly the police have taken a rather dim view to it all, and have recommended that prosecutors go all out to hit him with a misdemeanor child endangerment charge. But, really, whatever criminal charges may or may not be be brought against him, Richie Sambora will have to live with the emotional upset that comes with knowing that he endangered the life of his daughter in a moment of stupidity. And, on top of the emotional upset he's already got from being in a really rubbish band, that's going to be quite a lot of upset.
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Vanilla Ice Arrested For Beating His Wife Wife Baby

by Stuart Heritage

When Vanilla Ice told you to stop, collaborate and listen, he meant it – and if you failed to comply he’d wallop your skull in with a crowbar.

So we can assume that Vanilla Ice’s wife hasn’t been doing very much in the way of stopping, collaborating or listening lately – because Vanilla Ice has been arrested on suspicion of violently assaulting her.

It sounds very serious and deeply worrying, but there’s a glimmer of good news in this as well – by allegedly kicking and punching his terrified wife, Vanilla Ice has become more famous than he has been for 17 years. If only all laughably forgotten novelty performers had the insight to viciously attack a woman, maybe they’d also be enjoying the same spoils as Vanilla Ice right now. The fools.

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Naomi Campbell Arrested For Giant Airport Strop-Attack

by Stuart Heritage

The Heathrow Terminal 5 situation is worse than we thought – it’s managed to make Naomi Campbell angry, and nothing makes Naomi Campbell angry.

Wait, sorry, that’s a typo. That last bit should have read ‘everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.’ Sorry.

So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That’s good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we’re a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.

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John Cusack’s Stalker Back Doing What She Does Best

by Stuart Heritage

If you ever want to spook out John Cusack, why not write a love letter, sign it ‘Emily Leatherman’, pop it in a bag of screwdrivers and throw it at him?

Because that’s what John Cusack’s stalker did, and she was hit with a 500ft restraining order for her troubles. Not that she stuck to it, though – Emily Leatherman was arrested again on Sunday for getting too close to John Cusack’s home.

Honestly Emily Leatherman has to be John Cusack’s number one fan to get herself in so much trouble just to meet him. In fact, we’d wager that Emily Leatherman loves John Cusack so much that she’s watched Serendipity more times than anyone else on Earth. So twice, then.

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Richie Sambora Busted For Glug-Glug Vroom-Vroom No Daddy No

by Stuart Heritage

As a member of Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora’s life is mainly about pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll rebellion. And dodgy haircuts.

But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him.

And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That’s just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.

As a member of Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora's life is mainly about pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll rebellion. And dodgy haircuts. But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him. And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That's just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.
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Tyra Banks’ Halfhearted Alleged Stalker Back On The Streets

by Stuart Heritage

A man purported to be Tyra Banks’ stalker has been freed by police a day after getting arrested – but don’t worry, because he sounds a bit crap.

Brady Green is accused of constantly leaving phone messages for Tyra Banks, sending her flowers and letters and turning up at her TV studio unannounced. Which, you know, is hardly sending her dildos or drawing threatening cartoons of her.

Worryingly, though, Brady Green is back on the streets after police charged and released him. Obviously the sensible thing would have been to lock him away in a nuthouse because, seriously, we didn’t think anyone liked Tyra Banks at all, let alone enough to actually follow her around and stuff.

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Mischa Barton Charged With Being A Stinking Hippy

by Stuart Heritage

Mischa Barton isn’t just that one-time partly famous actress who was in The OC and nothing else at all after that, like you think she is.

No. Because Mischa Barton is also a criminal. That’s right – a criminal just like Al Capone and Lil’ Kim.

Mischa Barton has just been charged with DUI, driving without a license and pot possession following her arrest just after Christmas. That’s bad enough for Mischa Barton, but just imagine how poor Hayden Panettiere feels being the only skinny attention-seeking celebrity not to be charged with driving like some sort of impaired dickwad. Don’t worry Hayden! We’re on our way! And we’re bringing the elephant tranquilisers! You will not be left behind!

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Aaron Carter Busted For Drugs, Silly Little Beard Also Busted

by Stuart Heritage

You have to hand it to Aaron Carter – not a single person has even so much as thought of him for at least a year, but his dedication to stereotypical child star behaviour should be applauded.

We’re being serious here – look at what Aaron Carter has accomplished. He’s the relative of someone far more famous than he is, he’s been in a terrible reality TV show, he has pointless facial hair and he’s embarked on a hopelessly misguided engagement. There’s just one thing that Aaron carter has missed from that checklist.

And now he’s just ticked it off. Aaron Carter, you see, has just been arrested on suspicion of marijuana possession in Texas. Good work, Aaron. Go to the top of the class. That’s right, next to Lindsay Lohan.

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Bai Ling Only Went Robbing Because She Was Sad

by Stuart Heritage

Valentine’s Day does funny thing to people.

In a relationship? Valentine’s Day will make you grumble about spending £1.70 on a card. Single? Valentine’s Day will make you feel worthless and unloved. Bai Ling? Valentine’s Day will make you steal magazines and batteries to the value of $16 from an airport store before you’re caught and arrested.

Bai Ling – star of no good films ever – was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday, and she blames it on splitting up with a boy right before Valentine’s Day. Makes sense – sometimes the only things that can mend a broken heart are some celebrity magazines and batteries to the value of $16.

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