It's a little-known fact that if you play Good Day Sunshine from the Beatles album Revolver backwards, you can clearly hear Paul McCartney intone the phrases "They are my breasts" and "Stabby stab stab" about a minute in.
Of course you can't. Or maybe you can. We haven't really tried. But anyway, if the widely-reported divorce papers that Heather Mills filed against Paul McCartney recently are true, then Paul McCartney really did say "they are my breasts," when he stopped Heather Mills from breastfeeding their children. Paul McCartney isn't thought to have actually said "stabby stab stab" either, but Heather Mills says he did stab her with a broken wine glass, and "stabby stab stab" – as we're all aware – is the universally-recognised verbal accompaniment to a stabbing, so who knows. Anyway, Paul McCartney has said that he's going to fight all these abuse claims in the divorce court, unsurprisingly.
2006 is a turning out to be a vintage year for messy divorces. The Charlie Sheen/ Denise Richards divorce was full of child porn and murdered prostitute allegations, while the David Hasselhoff divorce has so far featured every swearword you can think of, a strange fake suicide bid and public trouser-wetting.
Until recently the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills didn't stand a chance of even looking these two divorces in the eye. As far as messy public divorces go, an initial separation blamed on media intrusion followed by the world's pettiest lock-changing incident isn't exactly juicy. The divorce of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills got a touch more interesting when those pictures of Heather Mills naked, covered in dairy products and a few whips and eating a man's decorative red gelatine penis were published; and the subsequent hiring of Charles and Diana's divorce lawyers confirmed that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills meant business. But then Paul McCartney said everything was fine and our hopes were dashed again.
Until yesterday, anyway, when divorce papers leaked to the press revealed that Heather Mills claims Paul McCartney beat her up, and beat her up in ridiculous style, too – Heather claims that Paul choked her, threw her on a coffee table, pushed her into a bath, poured wine on her, stabbed her in the arm with a broken wine glass and told her "they are my breasts" when she was about to breastfeed their baby. This is the sort of stuff we'd been waiting for, even if it did mainly provoke a response of "What? Paul McCartney? Beatles and Frog Chorus and waggly thumbs Paul McCartney? Really?"
Unsurprisingly, Paul McCartney's slaves have responded to these abuse claims with a formal statement:
"Since the breakdown of his marriage Sir Paul McCartney has maintained his silence in not commenting on the media stories, believing that it was best for all concerned, particularly his children, for there to be some dignity in what is a private matter. Our client would very much like to respond in public and in detail to the allegations made recently against him by his wife and published in the press but he recognises, on advice, that the only correct forum for his response to the allegations made against him is in the current divorce proceedings. Our client will be defending these allegations vigorously and appropriately. Our client is saddened by the breakdown of his marriage and requests that his family is allowed to conduct their personal affairs out of the media spotlight for the sake of everybody involved."
Well, Paul McCartney was hardly going to go and stand in front of a crowd of journalists and go "Yeah, I bloody well stabbed Heather right in the flipping arm, and I liked it too, the bastard. And, for the record, they are my breasts, actually. Wooooo!" before shaking his lovable scouse moptop in a disturbing way, was he? And besides, Heather Mills's stock is so low at the moment, we're not sure an admission of guilt from Paul McCartney would even get her anywhere.
It looks like the tone of the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce has been set, though – everything's going to be gloriously played out in public, with no punches pulled. What's more, the actual divorce trial isn't taking place until next year, so we can all expect plenty more salacious 'HEATHER: MACCA STOLE MY INTESTINES AND SWAPPED THEM FOR SOME STRING AND AN UNCONSCIOUS SHETLAND PONY' and 'MACCA: SHE MADE ME KISS THE STUMP WHILE SHE DID YOKO IMPRESSIONS' headlines very soon.
[story by Stuart Heritage]