We're not sure about you, but there's nothing we like doing to relax more than stumbling around an airport lounge at the crack of dawn drunk off our boxes while urinating in our pants. And for a while we thought David Hasselhoff agreed with us.
Yesterday it was reported that David Hasselhoff was banned from a 7am British Airways flight for being so shambolically drunk that – although he couldn't stand up properly – he tried picking up a Heathrow Airport shop manageress in between fits of self-pitying incomprehensible mumbling. But, according to David Hasselhoff's 'people', those reports were wrong. David Hasselhoff wasn't drunk on booze, they say; David Hasselhoff was merely feeling the effects of antibiotics. And who's to say it's not true – we've lost count of the times we've taken medication for bacterial infections only to find ourselves stumbling around busy public transport hubs pissing all over ourselves while sobbing and falling over.
The David Hasselhoff musical sounded like a bad joke once, and about as entertaining as a weekend in licking up the pubes stuck in your bath plughole, but having heard about what David Hasselhoff has been getting up to lately, we're convinced that it'll have a pretty storming ending. Weep! As David Hasselhoff and his wife maturely decide to end their marriage in the heartbreaking ballad You Whore Cunt Bitch Slut Drug Addict. Laugh! At the Gilbert And Sullivan stylings of Do You Who I Am? I Am The Hoff, about the time David Hasselhoff apparently got shitfaced at Wimbledon and started a fight. Shift Uncomfortably In Your Seat! As David Hasselhoff reaches the big finale – a 10-minute, emotionally intense journey into the pit of darkness that is It's 7am And I've Just Drunkenly Pissed Myself In An Airport.
You'll remember the reports yesterday that David Hasselhoff was banned from a flight at Heathrow Airport for being so drunk that he apparently had to prop himself against a pillar to stop himself falling down. The same reports that suggested that he was also mumbling incoherently to himself, while pictures from the airport show Hasselhoff with a large wet patch down his jeans. Since it happened on the same day that David Hasselhoff and his wife finalised their divorce, you could be forgiven for thinking that David Hasselhoff was getting drunk to try and forget the events of the day. But not at all, says Hasselhoff slave Judy Katz.
Katz was travelling with David Hasselhoff at the time he was apparently banned from his flight, and says that David Hasselhoff was actually just feeling sick after taking antibiotics for a cut arm:
"He was not drunk. He was not refused boarding. It was his own decision not to get on that plane."
So that's that cleared up then. If only David hadn't been seen downing beers and whiskys, or British Airways hadn't have released that statement saying that David Hasselhoff was banned from the flight for being "unfit to travel," Katz's recollection might have held some water.
Which is more than David Hasselhoff's bladder seems able to do.
[story by Stuart Heritage]