Rwanda has had its fair share of guerrilla attacks, civil wars, genocide, poverty and AIDS epidemics in recent years – but that's nothing that Paris Hilton can't fix with nothing more than willpower and her lazily seductive wonk-eyed gaze.
To atone for the sins that saw her get sent to prison, Paris Hilton has decided to go to Rwanda to visit schools and health-care clinics with representatives from a children's charity in an attempt to do some good to the world. And, yes, we're painfully aware that sending Paris Hilton to Rwandan schools and clinics sounds an awful lot like a borderline tragic version for The Simple Life, but Paris Hilton is desperate to prove that's not the case at all – for example, when Paris Hilton makes one of her trademark Simple Life errors, like stabbing a toddler with a dirty used syringe or contaminating a village's only clean well for 50km with her perfume to make it smell nicer, the quizzical sound effect will be played on the inanga instead of a redneck fiddle.
When famous people go to Africa, they don't usually like to return unless they've managed to smuggle back a little brown baby that they can give a made-up name to, but try telling that to Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton has decided to go to Rwanda to do nothing more than help rebuild the country after decades of fractious civil war have torn it apart. Rwanda is also the country containing the highest percentage of people who haven't seen Paris Hilton getting dicked by a bloke on the internet, but we're sure that's by the by.
In the past, the only times when Paris Hilton had ever done good for anyone but herself came when she gave money to a hobo and when she punched Lindsay Lohan. Other than that, Paris Hilton's life has been a swirling mass of selfishness whether she's pissing in taxis or subjecting the world to her awful awful music – but no more. Those lonely 23 days that Paris Hilton spent in jail with nobody to talk to except for Ryan Seacrest and Barbara Walters and anyone else she felt like talking to triggered off something deep with Paris. Somehow, spending little over three weeks in a room listening to women fighting and crapping themselves made Paris Hilton want to change the world for the better.
And that's the reason why Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda. Well, that and because it's all going to be filmed for the telly. The Telegraph reports:
Society heiress Paris Hilton is hoping to make good her post-prison vow to better herself by heading to Rwanda to do some charity work. Now the 26-year-old wants to reinvent herself following her 23-day prison term and use her celebrity status for the greater good. "There are a lot of bad people in LA," she told Newsweek magazine. "Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties – it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world." … "I love having everything documented," she reasoned. "It shows people what everyday life is like for me, how hard I work. There are a lot of misconceptions about me."
Although it's easy to mock Paris Hilton – for somehow assuming that spending less than a week looking at Rwandan children and freaking out whenever they come too close to her constitutes 'hard work' as well as just in general because her eyes aren't very symmetrical – maybe by going to Rwanda and raising awareness of desperate conditions many of the population live in, Paris Hilton will help the cause as much as if she'd just decided to hand over a big percentage of her inheritance when she gets it instead. Maybe.
And we haven't even touched upon the biggest problem here yet – now that Lindsay Lohan has left LA for Utah and Paris Hilton is leaving LA for Rwanda, there's hardly anyone left to dick about like a responsibility-free nobsack any more – and this means there's a very real danger that the LA entertainment scene will dry up, leading to the city becoming a third-world shanty town all of its own. And as soon as that happens, famous Rwandan singer and alleged war criminal Simon Bikindi plans to fly into the city and adopt one of Reese Witherspoon's kids to see how they bloody like it.
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Paris Hilton To Visit Rwanda To 'Leave Her Mark' – Telegraph
Adam Gade says
From the picture, I’d say she’s having a brain fart, although obviously lacking the equipment, it’s out of the question. Still, maybe she’ll get lost over there and stay for good.