Madonna is a woman who always gets what she wants – be it a pointless mockney husband, a music video where she tries to eat her own genitalia while on rollerskates or her very own Malawi orphan boy.
And that's what Madonna has now officially got; according to reports Madonna has now officially signed for the adoption of David Banda, a one-year-old orphan from Malawi. Well, we say 'orphan' but since the news of his adoption by Madonna was announced by his Dad, we're not sure how much of an orphan David Banda really is, unless his Dad told the press from beyond the grave via a Ouija board and Derek Acorah off the telly. But that's not important – what's important is that David Banda will soon belong to Madonna, and his first public appearance dressed in a pornographic leotard like his new Mum can only be days away.
Madonna, it could be argued, has made a right old pig's arse of going to Malawi and adopting a boy. Everything else Madonna does is so slick and seamless – like pissing off the clergy and falling off horses – but when it comes to ripping off Angelina Jolie's idea and going to a small African country to adopt a boy, everything falls to pieces.
First of all it was reported that Madonna was only thinking about adopting a Malawi orphan, and she was mainly visiting the country to build some kind of Kaballah centre where the orphans of Malawi could learn that wearing a tatty piece of red string around their wrist and buying overpriced water would send you to a heaven that was far more obscure – and therefore more chic – than everyone else. But then Madonna's slaves denied any knowledge of an adoption, and the matter was promptly dropped, with most people thinking that this was because Madonna's potato-faced husband Guy Ritchie threw a giant mockney tantrum about the adoption.
In retrospect we should have guessed this was a curveball – Madonna doing what Guy Ritchie says? Whatever next! – and a few days later it was rumoured that Madonna had adopted David Banda, a one-year old Malawi orphan who still has his own Dad and everything. And now it's official, as Reuters reports:
Pop diva Madonna left Malawi on Friday after receiving official permission to adopt a one-year-old boy from the impoverished southern African country. Her departure brought to a climax a controversial week-long charity visit during which her aides denied earlier reports by government officials that she planned to adopt a child… Thomson Ligowe, deputy registrar for Malawi's high court, told Reuters on Thursday that Madonna had been granted an interim order to adopt Banda. "(This) means that there's going to be a subsequent hearing by the same court to either allow her to adopt the child or not," he said. Under Malawian law the hearing must take place within two years. "This also means that she has been put on observer status to see how she will relate to the child, and people from social welfare will have to observe that. The court will depend upon their observations to make a final decision," Ligowe added.
David Banda will now be the envy of every child in Malawi, who must all be wishing that it was them who would grow up being a bit confused about how much of a lesbian their new Mum is. Now, though, advocacy groups are voicing their concerns that Madonna was only following a celebrity fad by adopting David Banda and that she'll spark a fleet of copycat adoptions. Hopefully that won't happen, as Malawi's frail infrastructure can only deal with one stinking rich old lady with a hernia coming to the country and looking at all the children while strapped to a giant mirrored crucifix at a time.
[story by Stuart Heritage]