Jessica Simpson is now marketing something that kills your braincells on the notion that it’s a ’smart’ choice.

The ironing is delicious. Though, let’s face it, probably intentional too.

Yes, the girl that did some stuff once, apparently, is the new face of the Stampede Brewing Company’s beer that’s supposed to be good for you, Stampede Light Plus. Which is, let’s be brutally honest here, the dumbest thing that’s ever happened. Both Jessica Simpson and the fact that a beer is marketed as being good for you.

Putting vitamins in something doesn’t make it a magical elixir that cures all ailments - it makes it a beer with vitamins in it. And as for the light tag - well, thankfully that’s never taken off over here in Blighty. Good lord that would truly be hell on earth.

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Going directly against the orders of Michael Bay, Megan Fox seems to be doing exactly the opposite to piling on some poundage.

Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with vinegar.

No, we have no idea either.

But, reports have flooded in on all the websites you would hope to print them - namely the ones aimed at already-image-conscious young teenage girls, who are now likely to think that drinking vinegar is a viable dieting option. What a great example these Hollywood types set each and every day.

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Office work = boring. We all know this, yet loads of us still do it.

But why bother, when you could just kill yourself? Well, maybe that’s a bit far, so instead why not just play the game Five Minutes to Kill Yourself? It manages to tick the right boxes - you work in an office, you’re pissed off, you want to kill yourself. Textbook.

Travelling around the workplace you can talk to people, pick stuff up and interact with objects, all with the goal being to stop yourself from being alive. It’s quite funny, if we do say so ourselves. It’s also very simple and a great timewaster - though only in five minute blocks.

Play it and help suppress the fantasies of actually killing yourself.

Play It Here:

Five Minutes to Kill Yourself

It would appear that Katie Holmes didn’t manage to run away from Tom Cruise as fast as we would have hoped for the poor girl.

She did manage to escape to the other side of the US ‘to be in a Broadway show’, as the official story put it - we know that was just a cover, and we urged Katie to run for her Creeking life. But it would seem her cover of ‘I have a job over there’ didn’t hold water with hubby Tom Cruise, and the fat bald one from Tropic Thunder has re-stamped his authority on Katie Holmes.

We tried to save her, we really did, but for some people there’s just no way around it. She’s consigned herself to a lifetime of being lead around by a dwarf, as she allowed the Cruiser to fly all the way across the country just to walk her to work.

Why didn’t you run, Katie? Why?

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It’s every woman for herself in the Big Brother house this week with outsiders Nicole and Sara up against one of the front-runners Lisa.

There’s no Kat fight and welsh teacher Rachel has survived Lisa’s scornful looks for another week – but for the other three, it’s claws out, let the bitch fest begin.

So who will be trying to avoid that up-skirt shot (or not, as the case may be with Sara and Nicole) as they climb the BB steps to instant, bright-burning but inevitably short-lived 15 minutes of fame?

One of Lisa, Sarah or Nicole will be ousted – and about time, too. If we could get them all out, we would. The public will decide, of course – and the least favourite housemate will be thrust into the limelight and onto Davina’s couch on Friday. Check with Paddy Power to see how your decision can help net you a bit of cash too.

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Lily Allen - she’s that one who had pink hair, a godawful TV show and is generally a waste of space.

Yeah, that sounds about right. Well now it would seem she’s got herself into MMA - that’s mixed martial arts - with some hardcore street fighting action. Well, hardcore may be a bit far, but Lily Allen did go and try to beat up a random French girl for insulting her.

And we shouldn’t forget that she also managed to swear like a navvie, and she managed to do all of this in front of about 32,000 paparazzi and other press hounds. Not a bad effort, we have to say. But to top off all the topping offs that could be topped off, there’s a video too - and it’s after the jump.

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Why can’t Britney Spears just decide whether or not she’s actually getting better?

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

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Everybody seems to be getting in on the comic book-to-movie adaptation thing, with easily one of the most anticipated being that of Watchmen.

While normally this would be greeted with trepidation and a slight amount of fear, the sheer quality of the source material, combined with the fact that the film is supposed to actually be, y’know - good - has people sweating around the groin, awaiting next year’s release.

That is, unless Fox have their way and ban the film from ever coming out.

Oh, we’re not kidding here - that’s what they’re trying to do in the latest of legal battles that shows just how the company is actually forged from Satan’s testicles themselves. There’s evil, then there’s Fox evil.

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One of the shortest marriages we’ve ever heard of happened when our Uncle Tom married an entire litter of golden retrievers.

Ends up the puppies were far too young to competently make a decision like that, and a judge ruled the ceremony invalid. With that, the puppies eagerly returned to their bachelorhood, and Uncle Tom got store credit from his internet priest.

Another short marriage we’ve heard of was Uncle Tom and an iguana he called Kippie. That one didn’t even make it through the cake cutting. As family lore has it - Tom was still rebounding from Patches, Bowser, Benji, Taffy & Mr. Cuddles.

Another marriage that’s very much in contention for the shortest ever title is Chris Kattan’s. He strolled down the aisle just 8 weeks ago and already he and his wife are going their sexy, yet separate ways.

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Hey, there, New Kids on the block fan(s?)! Good news!

Your favourite band member that isn’t Jordan or Joey or Jonathon or Danny is on the market again, and just in time for the NKOTB reunion tour.

That’s right. Donnie Wahlberg is available now that he’s getting a divorce.

Word is that he wants to be unfettered for the band’s reunion, which is totally smart because you never know when some chick is going to mistake you for your hot, drastically more successful younger brother. And you gotta be ready for that, man.

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Lindsay Lohan may be back on track towards becoming entertaining again, thanks in no small part to Olympic gold medal-machine Michael Phelps.

The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray’s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing - when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award - the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.

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Bullying is a serious issue, and it’s never funny.

Well, apart from the times when it’s funny. But it’s certainly never fun. Well - again, it is. Sometimes. But still, shut up.

Anyway, it’s more fun now, with Dad ‘n’ Me coming to waste a bit of your day in fine Slackerjack fashion. A scrolling beat ‘em up - like the classic Streets of Rage - the game sees you being the school bully, kicking the snot out of kids simply for being there.

As it’s made by that lot who did Alien Hominid, it obviously looks lovely and it has a sense of humour about it. Oh, and it’s violent - shouldn’t forget that. Nor should we forget that it’s a lot of fun, because it is.

Play It Here:

Dad ‘n’ Me