Prison’s Simply Too Ghastly For Poor Raffaello Follieri
Posted on November 14th, 2008 at 18:00
Three weeks ago Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was sent to jail for defrauding strangers out of their savings.
And get this - he’s not enjoying it. Apparently the prison service didn’t get Raffaello Follieri’s memo about the goose-feather pillows, double-quilted toilet roll or how he wanted a cell with a veranda overlooking the lake and, well, he’s thrown a bit of a strop about it.
According to reports, Raffaello Follieri has already requested to move jails because the one he’s in is unsanitary and he’s got blood in his urine. We don’t know exactly how Raffaello got blood in his urine, but since he’s sharing a windowless dormitory with 120 criminals and he looks exactly like the gruesome lovechild of Piers Morgan and Zach Braff, we’d probably guess that he’s been beaten up a bit.
Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is
Posted on November 14th, 2008 at 17:00
You’re hot and you’re cold…
Folded:
Daniel from X Factor (vote for this guy to win. It’ll make a mockery of the programme and we can finally have a laugh at the Christmas number one instead of clawing our earlobes off)
Ghost Town (Ricky Gervais buries that spazzy dance once and for all)
Rick Edwards (very occasionally amusing telly presenter. For T4 that makes him a frickin genius)
Transient by Plexus (currently playing on the new Ford Fiesta TV ad. Think Moby without all the wailing naffness. Still ain’t buying a Fiesta though)
Alesha Dixon (quite possibly) sampling Mambo No. 5 (a dream to have this back in the charts; Lou Bega could have been the new Elvis)
Creased:
Mercenaries 2 (anyone else struggle to get into this game? It feels like a training exercise for the Parallax Corporation)
Alesha Dixon singing ‘He does nothing, the boy does nothing’ (what rubbish! Everyone knows girls are far messier than boys. They dump wet towels on the floor and leave minuscule bottles of nail varnish absolutely everywhere)
The further we look through MySpace, the more we come across some artists and bands that even we can’t process properly.
Ever wondered what funk-inspired Portuguese gypsy folk sounds like? It hasn’t been on our list of ones to check out, but when we did, we wished we hadn’t.
A band’s sound is important, but so is their ethos. Do they want to be the next indie band to make it big and then disappear up their own arse? Or do they just want to make music and see where it goes? When on the hunt for some decent electro that hasn’t been used by companies to flog pencils or something, we came across Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs. Not only was the name epic, but so was the description of the band.
Video: Arrested Development The Movie Is Officially “A Go”
Posted on November 14th, 2008 at 15:00
One morning, when we were very young, our father burst into our room to tell us that overnight our mother had somehow transformed into 322 lbs (he weighed it first thing) of gold bullion, and we were all rich beyond our wildest dreams. This was good news.
In college we didn’t graduate, but on commencement day we did find someone else’s bachelor degree lying on the floor. Once it was framed and wall-mounted, our friends said they couldn’t tell there was a slight font change where our name started. This too, was good news.
People have finally stopped talking about Proposition 8. Slap that right on the good news list as well.
Do you know what news is better than all those combined? Its that Jeffrey Tambor has recently said that as-per a very recent telephone conversation with Mitch Hurwitz, the Arrested Development movie is “a go.”
The Dark Knight Probably Not Going To Win All The Oscars Now
Posted on November 14th, 2008 at 14:00
The Dark Knight is a sensation - the second-biggest movie of all time and easily the best film about a gimp punching a clown ever.
So, come Oscar night, you’d expect that The Dark Knight would wipe the floor with the competition - especially since the competition seems to be a million underperforming films about gloomy people from 35 years ago - but you’re wrong.
It’s just been announced that The Dark Knight can’t win the Oscar for Best Score because it was composed by too many people. That’ll be disappointing for the crew of The Dark Knight, but they’ll get over it - not least because the 2009 Oscars will introduce categories for Best Irredeemably Bleak Summer Movie and Silliest And Most Indecipherable Voice Employed By A Lead Actor, which The Dark Knight is already a dead cert for.
Angelina Jolie Quits Acting To Pursue Full-Time Sanctimony
Posted on November 14th, 2008 at 13:00
Team Aniston, it’s time to get the bunting out; your girl has won - Angelina Jolie has decided to retire from acting.
True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear - Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week.
Great, that’s just what we need - a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word ‘uncool’, we doubt very much that she’ll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we’ll say is this - don’t be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.
Oh now this is a beauty. You’ll have played games like Ether War before - God knows it seems like we’ve played a billion different versions of it in the last couple of month - but none will be as spellbindingly pretty as Ether War.
Ether War’s basically, at heart, Asteroids, except you’re on a rig with other guns and the baddies are colourful orbs. Or the goodies are colourful orbs, in which case we were playing it wrong. Anyway, look at Ether War - it’s beautiful. It’s like your own private firework display that doesn’t go off at 3am two full months after Fireworks Night. What’s not to like?
Why Can’t That Pregnant Man Keep It In His Pants? WHY?
Posted on November 14th, 2008 at 11:00
Readers, we can now die and go to heaven - we’ve just seen the most confusing and slightly gut-churning thing we’ll ever see.
It’s a picture of Thomas Beatie - the famous pregnant man from a few months ago - topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It’s weird. It’s like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he’s managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird.
Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you’re thinking - usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender - but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie’s children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.
Anthony Edwards Returns To ER To Thank Sole Remaining Viewer
Posted on November 13th, 2008 at 19:00
ER, the hospital show that nobody watches any more, has produced some big stars in its time - you know who we’re talking about.
We’re talking about Mekhi Phifer, famous for his tiny bitpart in the Eminem movie 8 Mile. And Noah Wyle, who left ER and found fame as the lead in The Librarian: Quest for the Spear - the only film in history that nobody has ever even considered watching. Oh, and Anthony Edwards.
But although Anthony Edwards left ER six years ago when his character died of brain cancer, the good news is that he’s back! Anthony Edwards is making an impressive return to ER tonight to mark the final season of the show, in an episode we’ll presume is called Why Doesn’t George Clooney Return Our Calls Any More?
Three weeks ago Anne Hathaway’s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was sent to jail for defrauding strangers out of their savings.
