Gossip for grown-ups
Being a tween heartthrob doesn't require all that much brain power. It absolutely requires cheeks worthy of pinching and a personality so adorable it could make people's brains melt out of their ears. Nowhere in theTween Hunk 101 handbook does it teach you to keep any and all mental defects to yourself. Taylor Lautner is struggling. Bless his tiny movie-making cotton socks. We don't mean struggling, as in working out which trouser leg to put on first. Or even struggling to work out which blonde haired singing star is his girlfriend, out of the sea of thousands of beauties just like her. Actually - the latter is sort of what we mean. There's an identity crisis going on in teeny tiny tween land. We think we may be the only ones who can help. In a recent interview with Extra TV, Twilight Saga: New Moon actor Taylor Lautner (and all his jail bait goodness) admitted that he has a little trouble with his girlfriend, Taylor Swift.
Robert Pattinson has got it all. He's got incredible fame. He's got wealth. He's got moviestar good looks. He's got a stinky arse. He's got armpit odour that could blind a nun from 30 paces. He's got breath that could dissolve concrete. He's got feet that could be isolated and used as a spitefully powerful weaponised pathogen. He has. No, really, he has. Robert Pattinson has admitted to a magazine that he essentially smells like a dirty protest in a curry house. Um, Robert Pattinson? We think you'll find that slagging you off is our job, not yours. Would you like it if we starred in a number of crappy films about sparkly bad-haired effeminate vampires? No. No you wouldn't. So stop it.
We all know more or less everything about Michael Jackson's death by now. We know what killed Michael Jackson. We know what he was doing before he died. Thanks to Derek Acorah last week, we even know that Michael Jackson spends most of his time in the afterlife itching to say hello to Quincy Jones. But, because it was a private ceremony, we don't really know exactly what happened at Michael Jackson's funeral. We wish we did, though, because it's been revealed that the funeral cost Michael Jackson's estate almost one million dollars. Still, he's dead, so it's not like the money could have been spent on anything else, like giving his children a better quality of life or anything, is it? Oh.
Admit it - for a moment there you were worried that Aaron Carter was going to win Dancing With The Stars. It's OK, we were worried too. Just the thought of renewed public validation of Aaron Carter filled us with absolute dread. What if he was allowed to bring back his reality TV show House Of Carters? What if he got to re-release his album Aaron's Party (Come Get It)? What if he was driven so berserk by renewed fame that he started legally emancipating his parents again? Well, relax. Aaron Carter was kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. We're in the clear.
If you're going insert a foreign body into yourself, surely you wouldn't want to use something that can only be associated with visceral terror, right? Wrong, apparently. As a response to my heartfelt criticism of Twilight, someone sent me this link to what appears to be a dildo based on what Edward's junk might look like. It's after the jump, so proceed with caution...
Night at the Museum 2 isn't a film content with itself. When it isn't vying for the title of most irrelevant sequel, it decides to take a trip to Ben Stiller's house for a mass celebrity circle jerk. This isn't just an excuse to make a mundane sequel, but for a bunch of overpaid comedians to make few laughs out of big ideas.
Things are about to get awkward down at the Hall of Justice. Not only does everyone have to pretend not to notice the strange sexual tension between the Wonder Twins, but Apache Chief has taco farts and the rec room's been cleared out. And on top of that - somehow Spider-Man's started to date Catwoman and now Batman spends his waking hours crying into a couch cushion. Heroes have feelings too, you know. Now before any super-nerds start balking about colliding universes, let us state we know Spider-Man and Catwoman could never be together. Sam Raimi on the other hand...
