Gossip for grown-ups
Russell Brand's playing a show in the Albert Hall on Sunday. Tickets are like gold dust, we've heard. People would do anything for tickets. Which is ace, because we've got a pair of tickets to give away. It's the last time that Russell Brand will be performing his Scandalous show in London - if you want to see it after that, you'll have to buy his forthcoming DVD (out next Monday, fact fans) - so it promises to be something of a hoot. If you fancy winning this frankly quite brilliant prize, you'll need to take a look after the jump...
Right and wrong. Folded: Flashback by Calvin Harris (the definition of a ditty. Annoy yourself for liking it) Halloween: Vampires (only really frightening if you fear teenagers) Burger King ‘Tub Burger’ (or ‘Windows 7’ according to the PR. Looks delicious) Zombieland (shouldn’t be compared to Shaun of the Dead, but it will be. Plus, whisper it, it might be funnier too) Give in to Twitter (join late; you’ll be glad you did. What with this and Facebook, and even MySpace if you’re really bored, you need never work again) Creased: Pork Pie hat ...
This is so ghetto that the fierce rhymes and raw beats have physically hurt our stomachs. Mike D Chill wants our pussy every day and every night, he wants it because it’s so damn tight. Well Mr Mike D Chill, the joke is on you. We don’t have female genitalia. The only penetrable organ we have is our bumhole. And even then you’ll have to navigate the overgrown layers of matted hair that are in the way. Damn. For more: Mike D Chill MySpace 
Halloween seems to have lost its bite lately. What's scary about a couple of children with sheets on their heads asking for confectionery? Nothing. So how can we make Halloween scary again? Simple - puppets. Puppets and dolls are easily the scariest thing in the entire world. Look at them, staring at you with their cold, dead eyes. They're terrifying. And we're pretty sure they all come to life at night and watch you sleep. Seriously, 9's released today and that little doll thing freaks us out. So in the spirit of Halloween we've decided to compile the definitive list of culture's creepiest, freakiest, most uncomfortably nightmarish puppets. Enjoy. And sleep well tonight...
Natalie Portman is a vegan, which is both good and bad. The good news is that you could easily lure her into bed with a plate of Chile Non Carne and a couple of Linda McCartney sausage rolls. The bad news is that she'll never shut up about it. Natalie Portman is such a vegan, in fact, that she's written a blog on The Huffington Post about why she became a vegan. And generally it's a reasoned, well thought-out essay about a personal choice that she made long ago. Apart from the bit where she compares all meat-eaters to rapists. Obviously.
This Taylor Lautner/ Taylor Swift thing is throwing up a lot of questions. Are they dating? Is it for real? Does it even matter? Why are our lives so very empty? That sort of thing. But the good news is that Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift - or Twoler, as literally nobody is calling them - seem to be getting closer to one another. They've been on dates, they've been photographed together, they've given coy interviews about each other. It looks like Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are for real. Still, it must be hard to make time for one another, what with Taylor Lautner's New Moon coming out really soon and the album that Taylor Swift would do anything to promote and... oh, wait a minute.
The story of Cover Orange is an age-old one - how do you stop the talking, human-faced oranges from being attacked by the evil cloud that rains ninja stars? It’s simple, idiots - you put boxes and barrels and wheels in the way. And that’s all Cover Orange is - you put boxes and barrels and wheels in the way of the evil cloud that rains ninja stars to protect your talking, human-faced oranges. Duh. Play Cover Orange now 
This week Jon & Kate Plus 8 featured a You Ask, Kate Answers special. And it felt like a wasted opportunity. You know what would have been better? You Ask, Jon Emotionally Abuses. It would have been awesome - after being presented with some viewer questions, Jon Gosselin would shriek for 25 minutes about what a victim he is and how it's all your fault. And then he'd burst into tears and clumsily attempt to kiss the camera with tongues. It would have been AWESOME. Because Jon Gosselin is quite good at emotional abuse, apparently. His own girlfriend said it. To a TV show. Why won't any of this stop?
