Life can be hard when you're a triple-nippled pop munchkin like Lily Allen – if it wasn't bad enough having the tooth fairy as a father, now Lily Allen's been banned from America because she beat up a photographer two months ago.
At least that's what we assume. Lily Allen's US work visa was cancelled after she flew into Los Angeles airport to help launch this year's MTV music awards. It's thought that Lily's American ban stems from the assault arrest she received in June, although it could just be that the immigration employee working at LAX upon Lily Allen's arrival was a super-huge fan of Cheryl Cole out of Girls Aloud and decided to chuck Lily out of the country for calling her a bitch once. But Lily Allen shouldn't get too down about her America ban – after all, now she'll be able to focus more on breaking that notoriously tough Liechtenstein market.
Lily Allen hasn't had a bunch of luck with America lately. After being hailed by one and all as the brightest British pop hope in ages, Lily Allen popped over to America earlier this year to try and win the country over with her unique blend of reggae-tinged pop and gor blimey fake-chav attitude to life. But America was tough on Lily Allen. America wasn't interested when Lily Allen tried to diss Lindsay Lohan like she'd dissed Cheryl Cole and Corinne Bailey Rae and Lady Sovereign, and it certainly didn't want to buy any of her pikey clothes.
Eventually in April Lily Allen quit her American tour a broken woman. But the experience just made Lily stronger. She vowed that next time she went to America, everyone would know who Lily Allen was. And now everyone does – she's the singer who can't get into America because she beat up a photographer recently. BBC News reports:
Pop star Lily Allen has had her US work visa cancelled after arriving at Los Angeles International Airport. A spokesman for the singer said: "She's still in America. All her commitments will carry on as normal. The work visa will be sorted out by her next visit."… In a statement the singer said: "I am trying everything I can to sort this out. It is my intention to play my American dates in September. This depends on the authorities granting me a new work visa. I want my fans to know that I will do everything I can to be back in America in September. I don't like letting my fans down and this is a situation that I am sure we can sort."
It's assumed that Lily Allen was banned from America because of the photographer-punching incident, but it's equally likely that US customs officials suspected that Lily Allen's third nipple was concealing a rudimentary detonator or something. After all, it's a short step from singing a song about smiling to committing a widescale mass terrorist attack on civilians. Especially when you do either of them in a pretend cockney voice.
Wait, we get it – America just banned Lily Allen because Britain banned Snoop Dogg earlier this year and it's out for revenge. Well, if you want to play hardball America, so be it. For forcing us to keep Lily Allen, we solemnly swear to ban all British imports into your country. Let's see how long you last without warm trifle, Mr Brain's Faggots and the comedy of Justin Lee Collins, shall we? We'll be waiting for your apology.