Lily Allen, an artist we heard did some sniping in the first Desert Storm, well she needs to chillax like we do. We chillax all the time. We chillax so much in fact, that in the past two hours over three of our janitorial staff have said it's odd we're not chillaxing right now. We told them we can't chillax all the time because we've got deadlines to meet and ebonics to steal. Time doesn't make itself, you know?
Lily Allen sure knows. She's also well aware it's not easy going all about singing stuff at people who give you fist-fulls of money. But to be a pop star it's what you gotta do, and you really have to be in good shape – like late 70s Elvis or Subway's Jared. That stage has an awful lot of powerful demands. You've constantly got to acclimate yourself when the spotlight fades from green to pale-red for one, and then you have to listen while your people tell you to acclimate harder through your ear piece even though you're already acclimating as much as you can. If they think they can do better then let's see them go out there night after night armed only with lyrics about bicycles!
On top of that your hand has to move from microphone – to pocket – to microphone at least 30 times. That much rigour could make any performer cancel all their US tour dates. Like Lilly Allen. She just bagged out on almost all her US fans – but she says it's not exhaustion – Denny's three times a day simply took it's toll.
Or it's because she feared she was starting to suck. Yeah, yeah that one.
Lily Allen would crush the skull of Lady Sovereign with her finger tips if she could, but as the Queen frowns on that sort of thing Lily holds back. She would also infuse other people's music with pep and energy to make them more tolerable if she could, but the Queen hates pep and energy. So again, Lily holds back.
She also holds back by cancelling shows, but she doesn't want to give the world the wrong impression:
"I am not falling apart at the seems, I am not suffering with exhaustion, I am not pregnant, and I am not going to rehab. I will be here in America, promoting the album and also starting to write the second album, which I am beyond excited about."
Excited is a small town on the Arizona/Oregon border. We assume that to be Lily Allen's approximate geographic location. That's how we interpret her words anyway – she's trying to tell us something in code again. We almost went on a date with Lily once, and we think she now wants us to find her in America. We're coming Lily, with scented candles and a boat-load of your b-sides. The Customs guy didn't think they were good at all.
Allen talks about her gig cancellations on her MySpace page. MySpace, apparently, is a non-Mormon version of LDSLinkup:
"I am tired, but more than that I don't think I have been giving my best performances recently."
Most of the world, very much surprised to learn that Allen apparently found her recorded work before the year-long tour acceptable, will live. It's important to note she's still gonna do the festivals she's signed up for, it's the smaller gigs laying in the pooper.