Over the last few months it's become trendy for female singers to bash Lily Allen, but they'd better stop right away before Lily Allen unleashes her third nipple and sets it after them like a small angry dog made of nipples.
That's right, Lily Allen has a third nipple. Most of you will already know that Lily Allen has a third nipple because she whipped it out and displayed it in front of everyone on last week's The Friday Night Project. Obviously none of you actually saw The Friday Night Project – we've had evenings of eyeball/biro acupuncture more enjoyable than watching that show – but the clip of Lily Allen has become a YouTube sensation, racking up three quarters of a million views already. In fact, the success of Lily Allen waving her third nipple around has been so huge that Lilly Allen's third nipple has already been signed up to perform the theme-tune to the next James Bond movie.
It's not unusual for stars to have extra appendages, like Beyonce's rumoured sixth toe and Tara Reid's extraneous boob implant scars. Even our old friend Lee Ryan has an extra bottom. Admittedly it's where most people's brains are, and the rectum connects directly to his mouth, but it still counts. But none of those stars have a third nipple like Lily Allen does.
Last Friday Lily Allen unwittingly became the hottest thing on YouTube when, as part of a segment of The Friday Night Project – the show that's soon to be put up in front of a war crimes tribunal for deliberately keeping Justin Lee Collins in employment – Lily Allen decided to show the world her third nipple. Now reports:
Lil – who was guest presenting the comedy show – was in the middle of hosting a quiz when comedian Alan Carr made a quip about her extra udder. And the 21-year-old – determined to prove that her third nip does in fact exist – lowered her top to reveal her chest for the cameras.
Oh, that's enough teasing. Here's Lily Allen's third nipple in all its glory…
And this video has already won Lily Allen a new army of fans who all watched the YouTube video and generally agreed with the words of YouTube user Mbianchi, who said:
Thats not a nipple
However, don't expect Lily Allen and her third nipple to maximise on this initial success – they've just split up due to creative differences. Already Lily Allen's third nipple has moved on to launch its own range of clothing and engage in high-profile feuds with Girls Aloud. And Lindsay Lohan. And Corinne Bailey Rae. And Lady Sovereign. And it's rumoured that Lily Allen's Alright, Still album will be renominated at next year's Brits – in the Album That We Didn't Like That Much Until We Realised That It Was All The Work Of A Third Nipple category.
And we'll tell you this for nothing, when Lily Allen's third nipple auctions off dates with itself, you people had better back the hell off because that third nipple is ours, damnit. We want to kiss Lily Allen's third nipple. We want to kiss Lily Allen's third nipple all night long.
Oh great, now we've made ourselves throw up.