If we were married to Ringo Starr – and who's to say that one day we won't be – we'd be cacking it. Just days after Yoko Ono allegedly got a death threat from her driver, Heather Mills has been given a panic alarm by police after getting threats too.
Admittedly the threats that Heather Mills aren't quite as frightening as Yoko's – nobody has been boasting about injecting poison into her body while she sleeps, for instance – but the police are treating Heather Mills' threats as non-specific and not especially imminent. But – hey – who knew that monoped former naked models that divorce Beatles in bitter and high-profile ways were so disliked. As well as helping to install security equipment in the home of Heather Mills after the threats, police have also spoke to Paul McCartney about the matter, who is thought to have replied "It weren't me copper, you can't prove anything copper" before throwing a smoke bomb to the ground and mysteriously vanishing into the ether.
It's fair to say that Heather Mills could use a few friends right now. Aside from the small band of followers who see badly-permed models covering their breasts with cream and licking men's whips in German sex guides as aspirational, not many people have really been siding with Heather Mills since she split up with Paul McCartney. Even though Heather Mills has said time and time again that she isn't a gold-digger and that Paul McCartney used to beat her up with a variety of glassware, the public has kept siding against her ahead of her increasingly bitter divorce.
And not just the public, either; celebrities are also backing Paul McCartney. Like, um, Rod Stewart, who wants Paul McCartney to fight Heather Mills. Then again, Rod Stewart is the only man alive who has fantasised about sex with Prince Charles's wife, so perhaps we shouldn't take his judgement as gospel.
And as well as everyone in the public and a croaky-voiced old man with girl's hair, it seems like shadowy underworld gangsters aren't the biggest fans of Heather Mills – according to The Mirror they've been bombarding Heather with threats, and not just rubbish Stella McCartney-style "I'll kill the bitch" threats either:
Strange to think what a bunch shadowy gangsters would want with a woman who's expected to get around $235 million in a divorce settlement, isn't it? Anyway, we can't help feeling that Yoko Ono and Heather Mills are locked in a dangerous game of Beatle wife one-upmanship. First Yoko Ono gets her driver arrested for being a stalky blackmail sex pest pervert nutter – or something – and now Heather Mills has responded by getting police to kit out her home with a bunch of high-tech batcave anti-gangster alarms. How will Yoko Ono come back from this? It's too early to say, but we'd imagine that it will at some point include a moustachioed man in a top hat splicing her to some train tracks.