hecklerspray's first three divorces were honestly very
enjoyable experiences. They were fun, they were lively, our encroaching
ex-wives were all nice and flirty in court, and the judge took our
sensitive ear condition into account every time he'd bang the gavel.
Seriously, it was great.
Our 4th and 5th divorces weren't so fun. We left the judgement hall
disheveled and disappointed when nobody got ruled to pay us alimony.
It's foul memories like that that let us completely relate to the
miserable time Paul McCartney is having right now.
His pain is almost over, however, and it only cost him like one
trillion dollars or something – a real bargain in any divorce court!
Paul McCartney has recently taken an action that will put his
divorce behind him forever – and by forever we mean he's gonna have to
keep filling Heather Mills' bank account with some
$235 million over the next 15 years. When the time's up though,
everyone's favorite surviving Beatle will be Mills-free and
Heather-clear. Except for the fact they have a kid together. In that
light, the man's pretty much eternally effed.
We're told the sudden settlement came about as McCartney's adult
children became worried for his health. Paul had something vaguely
referred to as a 'heart scare' earlier in the year, which helps to fuel his children's worry. Stella McCartney reportedly told him this:
"If this goes on it could kill you. Being happy is more important than money."
It seems like just yesterday the now-divorcing McCartneys were a happy couple. They were flying around the world to look at baby seals that would probably get clubbed within the hour, serenading cosmonauts , and terrifying Jennifer Lopez . It's just so hard for us to accept they're over, but they are. A McCartney aide reportedly said regarding the settlement:
"It's a done deal and Paul is relieved."