Music

When shambling oxygen-thief Pete Doherty was recently thrown into prison for the grand total of 14 weeks, hecklerspray felt a murmur within our hearts - a rare glimmer of optimism, if you like.

With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it’d be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining - like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it’s just awesome).

Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won’t stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.

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Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers.

And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present.

Sixty-nine thosand pounds! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I’m not your brother, I’m not your uncle, I’m Daddy do, Steppin’ in this game and y’all ain’t got a clue?” Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch.

A fucking £69k time-keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!

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The world today is rife with conspiracy theories like never before. There are people out there who believe 9/11 was an inside job. There are people who believe the moon landing was staged.

There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

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Rumour has it that one single sperm out of the millions and millions found in Jay-Z’s roca-jizz has won the race to fertilize Beyonce’s little ovarian egg.

According to Actress Archives, Beyonce was recently spotted in NYC with her belly seemingly being pushed out from the inside - a phenomenon synonymous with pregnant women. And fat people. And people with hernias. And people with pillows under their shirt.

But, what with the recent out-of-the-blue wedding reports, pregnancy is the most realistic choice and, according to OK! Magazine, a source close to the couple told them:

“I’ve heard from at least two people that Beyonce is pregnant.”

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When young hoodlums aren’t collectively bothering grannies or sniffing bottles of glue, they're off gathering ASBOs. Just like Scout badges, there are ASBO badges for arson, nicking, impregnation and nicking bottles of cider from Tesco.

It now seems that groups of these ruffians have formed something called a 'hip-hop collective', otherwise known as the Blackout Crew to me and you. Hey look! Even we did a little rap there. Where’s our record deal at? 

If this godawful song starts to hurt your ears, you can at least switch the sound off and laugh at the video. It looks like some sort of inbred pikey chav scum get-together. All the latest sports gear is on show here, presumably nicked from JJB earlier that day. It doesn’t even appear they needed a stylist, though the car must have been a prop. A knackered Vauxhall wouldn’t have been as glamorous.

Hopefully the Blackout Crew won’t come and stab us after reading this.  

George Bush and power, Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, Britney and kids - there are some combinations that are doomed to fail before they even start.

It's just the way it is. You just have to accept it. So why then to sports stars insist on making tits of themselves by releasing records?

They already command massive salaries and are idolised by millions. So why don't they just stick to what they're good at? Do you they really think that what the world is really waiting for is them to pick up a microphone or guitar? Just about all of us at one stage of our lives have dreamed of being either a sports star or a musician. But to want to do both –that's just greedy! Give the rest of us a chance, you overpaid, pampered princesses.

Here are the 10 worst examples of sports stars having a bash at music. Please feel free to send us any more.

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The internet, eh? Sometimes it can be really annoying.

Like that time Lindsay Lohan accepted our MySpace 'friend request.' How was hecklerspray supposed to know that 'friend request' didn't mean 'please stand outside my house shouting inappropriate sexual slurs before being dragged off by the police in a haze of tear-gas and rubber bullets'? And don't even get us started on that time the internet promised us a load of money from Nigeria.

Pain is only relevant, however, if shared by a celebrity. Any fool knows that. Which is why hecklerspray is particularly enamoured with Kelly Clarkson - she hates the internet too, and she's going to tell you all about it. Well, actually, we are. In a vaguely sarcastic manner. Before linking to the story itself. Come on, you know the score by now.

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Fact One: The Jackson 5 don’t blame it on sunshine, moonlight or bad times. They blame it on the boogie.

Fact two: The Carling Academy are bastards for charging nearly six quid for two shots of vodka.

Fact three: Elbow are the most underrated band in the UK.  

With four albums under their belt, Elbow took their latest offering, The Seldom Seen Kid, on the road to showcase a few of the brilliant tracks that are featured on it, alongside mixing in a few older hits.

While talking to a friend who worked at the bar, she uttered the words “I’ve been told there like one of those miserable Radiohead-style bands, so I knew you’d be here tonight.”

Hmm, great that our music tastes have been pinned down, but slightly wrong about Elbow being the soundtrack to a suicidal cult's last few hours on earth.

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Britney Spears is getting ready to launch a new $100 million (that’s £50 million) world-wide comeback tour, according to The News Of The World.

Just recently – just yesterday, in fact - it seemed to all that, like Kurt Cobain and Vincent Van Gogh before her, Britney Spears had reached the end of the line. The feeling was she had nothing left to give - and that all she needed now was one small, gentle push into death’s eternal release. Ahh.

But, unlike like Kurt and Vince before her, she has seemingly decided that she actually does have something more to offer and that she is going to tour the world, giving it out for about $100 dollars a ticket!

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Singing businessman Jay-Z has finally made an honest woman of his hitherto ho-beau Beyonce Knowles.

According to People.Com, the couple held a private wedding ceremony at Jay-Z's New York apartment yesterday evening, to which only close friends and family were invited.

They didn’t even have the common decency to invite the press. How are we to trust them? What are they so afraid of us seeing? Would we have found out the service was being funded by Jay-Z’s links to nineteenth century slave trade profiteering?

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You've been waiting for this day for years - well, probably more 'dreading' than 'waiting' but let's not split hairs - New Kids On The Block are officially back!

Not too long ago the reformed New Kids On The Block made their first public appearance on the Today show. And after the shock of realising that they all still have fully-working sets of eyes and limbs subsided, we heard New Kids On The Block tell the world that "Music brought us back."

We presume that'd be Music O'Kneesmash. the famed Boston debt collection agent, then. Anyway, video of the New Kids On The Block Today appearance after the jump. 

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Calvin Harris may be a lot of things but a good musician slash DJ is not one of them.

So it comes as very good slash nice news that, on route to the UK from the US, baggage handlers lost the baggage that happened to contain a laptop on which the only copy of his second album was stored.

If God existed we would thank him right now.

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