Well, 2013 is finally coming to a close, and what a year in popular culture it’s been! Since the beginning of the year, a bunch of shit has happened in the entertainment industry; some of it was awesome (basically every second I spend drunkenly watching American Horror Story: Coven and listening to Beyoncé), and some of it was awful (Amanda Bynes’ breakdown and basically everything Justin Bieber said and did).
It was a winning year for some Kardashian’s (Kim has a baby and gets engaged) and a losing year for others (Khloe gets cheated on divorced), but surprisingly enough, I’m not here to talk about the Kardashians (I can hear your gasps from here). No, I’m here to talk about other celebs who had winning and losing years. From the super famous, to the barely celebrities, I present: The 5 Biggest Celebrity Wins and 5 Biggest Celebrity Fails of 2013. Enjoy…or don’t…whatever.
5. Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck doesn’t get talked about too much in the land of celebrity gossip because he lives a pretty normal, wholesome life, but this blog isn’t about who had the biggest scandals of 2013. When I was younger, I always felt like I was the only one who thought Ben Affleck was hotter and more talented than Matt Damon. For years, Ben made everyone question his talent by taking on fucking terrible movie roles. I’d comment on Gigli, but I never bothered watching that shit. But for the past few years, Ben’s life and career have been on an upswing. He keeps knocking of Jennifer Garner and directing films, and that seems to be going well for him, especially since at the beginning of the year he picked up his second Oscar for directing the best film of the year, Argo (a movie that sounded boring as hell, but really wasn’t!). THEN he goes and gets cast as Batman. BATMAN! Sure, there was a lot of negative feedback about him being cast, but fuck it, he still got the part, so you can all suck a D.
4. James Franco
In my opinion, the above picture truly represents why James Franco had such a winning year. This guy did EVERYTHING this year, and I actually enjoyed a lot of it. He starred in two super hyped films that I bought on blu ray as soon as they came out (Spring Breakers and This Is The End), he adapted two of my favorite literary pieces into film (Child of God and As I Lay Dying), had a fucking Coppolla adapt his book of short stories into a movie (Paolo Alto or something), had a Comedy Central roast about him, recreated Kanye’s Bound 2 video with Seth Rogen, starred in like 40 million other movies, did another guest spot on General Fucking Hospital, taught a university English class, had an art exhibit, mimicked a Justin Bieber video with Ashley Benson, and fuck, who knows what else?! When I grow up (I’m 27) I want to be James Franco. In a single year, he fulfilled all my fucking dreams. Star in a Harmony Korine movie, publish a novel, have an art exhibit, make a funny video, adapt southern gothic novels into film, teach a university English class. THOSE ARE ALL OF MY DREAMS! AND HE DID THEM ALL IN 12 MONTHS! Go fuck yourself, Franco.
3. Miley Cyrus
Even though her engagement to mega babe, Liam Hemsworth, ended this year, Miley has had a huge fucking year. She completely reinvented herself and her image and released a really fun album. Sure she was fucking ridiculous half of the time, but the “strategic hot mess” she’s been pulling has made her one of the most talked about celebrities of the year. Her album is doing great, and I’m actually amazed that Billy Ray’s daughter has been so smart with her career, given who her roll model was. Oh, and even though I have no idea why, she was named Maxim‘s sexiest woman of the year. So, you know, good for her.
2. Jennifer Lawrence
All Jennifer Lawrence did this year was prove how likable and perfect she was. First, she wins every award under the sun for her performance in Silver Linings Playbook. Then, she goes on a press tour for her huge ass film franchise, The Hunger Games, and gives some of the best celebrity sound bites and interviews of all time (plus, the movie goes on to be fucking huuuuuuge), then she stars in American Hustle and gets nominated for some more shit. Did I mention how likable she is? And talk about that bod! Va va voom!
1. Beyoncé and Jay-Z
Yes, they are two separate people, but together they become the most perfect entity of all time. I mean, have you seen their Drunk and in Love video? Perfection. Jay-Z’s album? Perfection. Beyoncé’s visual album? Beyond perfection. Their fashion? Perfection. Their yours? Perfection. Their family? Perfection. Beyoncé and Jay-Z? Winning. Always. No explanation really needed.
5. Farrah Abraham
This year, the classy star of Teen Mom, starred in an awful “sex tape” (aka porno), got a bunch of plastic surgery, leaked text messages from Charlie Sheen, got her boobs and crotch molded for sex toys, and admitted to waxing her toddler daughters eyebrows. I don’t even know what to say about this hot mess anymore, but in 2013 she sure made Kris Jenner look like mother of the year (not even joking. I’d totally rather have Kris for a mom than Farrah. At least there aren’t any videos out there of Kris getting rammed in the ass by a porn star…yet).
4. Kanye West
This year, Kanye West had a beautiful baby girl, got engaged to a gorgeous woman, and released an incredible album, so you’d think he’d be on the winning list, right? Well, maybe if Kanye West were some kind of weird mute who could rap, but never speak to the public, that’s where he would be. But his on stage rants, comparing himself to a slave or some shit, anti-Semitic remarks, and million and one other dumb things he said, made Kanye look like a huge fucking asshole this year who needs to open a huge can of STFU.
3. Brandi Glanville and Leann Rimes
Hi, my name is Krysta Fitzpatrick, and I am the only person on the face of this fucking planet that actually cares about these two hot messes. Leann and Brandi have been in a lame ass Twitter war over that M-List Casanova, Eddie Cibrian (or however you spell it, I’m not looking it up. I really don’t care) for what seems like an eternity now. But this year, they both have reached new levels or tragic. Their Twitter war is making 14 year old girls roll their eyes and say “that is so immature,” and from Leann’s “family pics” with Brandi’s kids and Brandi’s excessive partying, and the fact that they still can’t stop making stupid fucking jabs at each other, I think these two really need to grow the fuck up. Everyone needs to take a Xanax and calm the fuck down.
2. Lindsay Lohan
In the words of Adele, “We could’ve had it all.” Things looked so good for you Lindsay! You had Oprah on your side! You were making really funny appearances on shows like Chelsea Lately and Jimmy Fallon! You were going to do it this time! I believed in you! And now what’re you up to? Nothing good, that’s what. Lohan’s been plagued with partying rumors for months and now she’s got all this shit going on with Paris Hilton’s little brother and I’m so fucking disappointed. This was supposed to be the year of the great Lohan comeback! Instead, she’s basically up to her old tricks again. Lindsay, you let me down AND you let Oprah down. I don’t know how you sleep at night (oh right, with a fuck ton of Ambien).
1. Justin Bieber
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably know that Justin Bieber has spent the past year making a total cunt out of himself and physically turning into 1991 Vanilla Ice. He’s been pissing and spitting all over the place, getting carried around like a little bitch, not wearing a shirt, banging hookers, abandoning monkeys, drawing shitty graffiti places he shouldn’t, and basically acting like a full on rotten little brat. Musically, has he even done anything this year? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? Justin Bieber used to be such a little heart throb, now he’s just a stupid fart knob (pardon by fantastic rhyme).