Why Lady Gaga Really Needs a Gag Order

terrifying

Last week, the YouTube Awards happened, and no one gave less of a fuck than me, but then I saw what Lady Gaga wore to this shit show of an awards ceremony. Yes, that is, in fact, a picture of Lady Gaga. So yeah, this is a thing. The more time that passes, the less I understand exactly what it is that Lady Gaga is trying to do, and the more intense my eye rolls towards her get.

Before her army of “little monsters” jump up my asshole, I would like to point out that musically, I really enjoy Lady Gaga. She makes really fun pop tunes, she’s a fantastic dancer and actually a really great singer. However, she’s also a giant douche bag. Last night I was watching “Glee” (don’t you judge me), and it was the Katy vs. Gaga episode and the McKinley kids (aka the McKinley 30-somethings playing teenagers) were talking about how dark Lady Gaga was. Listening to Lady Gaga was indulging in your “dark side”, and all I could think was: are you fucking kidding me?!

Lady Gaga’s music versus the image she presents of herself are two entirely different things, and this really came full-circle for my when I was watching those show choir idiots (I actually fucking love “Glee,” I’m just trying to sound cool) talk about how Katy Perry was light happy pop music and Gaga was dark and edgy music. I threw so much side eye at the Glee kids during this episode that I felt like Sue Sylvester herself.

I’m all about artists doing edgy cool and creative things, I mean, if The Beatles hadn’t taken so many musical risks would they be the legends they are today? And look at Madonna. She’s changed her sound and image a million times, but with Gaga, I feel like the mentality and the image don’t match the product she’s putting out.

cruelladegaga

I realized that Gaga was a pretentious douche bag back who needed to shut the fuck up back  when she released the extended Fame Monster cd. Each album (there were 2 different covers) had these really interesting black and white photos of Lady Gaga on the cover that I dug. They weren’t sexy or a typical female pop-star album cover, but they were cool. When asked by Rolling Stone magazine why she chose these photos for her album cover, she told them that young girls today had enough sexy, blond pop-stars with great bodies being pushed down their throats.

Ok, so she puts less attractive pictures of herself on the album cover, sure. Yet, every single video she released from the album The Fame and Fame Monster, shows her dancing around with her big blond hair, practically naked, and looking fierce. Now, I’m taking no digs at that, if you’ve got it (which Lady Gaga does) then flaunt it (which she does), but don’t act like you’re all high and mighty about your choices and actions while ultimately going on to contradict yourself. Why didn’t she just say the (more than likely) real reason she probably used those pictures for her album cover? Because they were different and cool looking. Oh right, because that doesn’t sound pretentious and meaningful enough.

telephoner

I mean she looked hot in all of those videos and was scantily clad, and I actually fucking love those videos and songs. It’s not Gaga’s music that bugs me, it’s her contradictions. And it didn’t stop at Fame Monster.

Fast forward to 2011 as she promotes her new album, Born This Way. Have you heard the way this woman talks about herself? Just a little interview excerpt:

“Glam culture is ultimately rooted in obsession, and those of us who are truly devoted and loyal to lifestyle of glamour are masters of its history. Or, to put it more elegantly, we are librarians. I myself can look at almost any hemline, silhouette, bead work, or heel architecture and tell you very precisely who designed it first, what French painter they stole it from, how many designers reinvented it after them, and what cultural and musical movement parented the birth, death, and resurrection of that particular trend. So dear critics and bullies: get your library cards out, because I’m about to do a reading.”

And this gem:

“There is no chicken or egg. It’s molecular. Cells give birth to cells. To put it more bluntly, the Hussein Chalayan vessel I wore at the Grammys wasn’t inspired by a chicken. It was stolen from an egg. But the transformation, the context, and the approach taken to reinterpret the meaning of birth and rebirth in terms of fame on a fucking red carpet — this is what creates the modernity of the statement. The past undergoes mitosis, becoming the originality of the future.”

To quote my beloved Michael K: “BITCH, you fucking write songs about telephones and mirror ball dicks!”

Moving straight along, I really did like her second single off of the Born This Way album, Judas. It was a catchy tune about the age old female problem of having a good boy, but still longing for the bad one. Then Lady Gaga had to go and open her big trap about the song and cause me to give one of the biggest eye rolls of the century:

“I just have to say (Starts crying)….I feel like honestly that God sent me those lyrics and that melody. When you feel a message to give to the world and people are shooting arrows through it…there’s no way for something that pure to be wrong. (Reaches for Marilyn Monroe lighter) I need a cigarette.”

Like I said, the song Judas is about having a good boy, but still wanting the bad boy. Gaga just made their names Jesus and Judas so now she’s supposed to be the most original bitch on the planet? I mean, have you heard Judas? It’s a 80′s Madonna pop tune about wanting to bang an apostle that Gaga clearly wrote for the sake of controversy. She is such a holier than thou twat…but I do like that song.

jesusvsjudas

Now bitch is talking about high art, wearing dresses made of old skin, and basically going around looking like a fucking lunatic, yet she’s still releasing the same radio-friendly pop jams.

What annoys me most about Gaga is that she just won’t admit what she is and keep it real. At least Madonna used to do that. Madonna was a holier than thou cunt, but she didn’t cry in interviews and talk about how she was changing the world (Born This Way has a great message sure, but you’re not the first person to think of it); she always admitted that everything she did was to push the envelope or make people talk or basically, just do it for badness.

Lady Gaga is really good at writing catchy songs and dressing a’fool, but she is really starting to put the “gag” in her name.

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Comments

  1. I agree so hard says

    I love her music but I avoid all of her interviews.
    Her fanbase is strong and I’d avoid it at all costs. In fact all large fanbases (Beliebers and Directioners), their teenage fanwars/wank over k-pop also has me giggling

    I kinda get the fans of k-pop wanting their “idols” (aka trained to say the right things from age 13 manufactured singers who were sculpted into pretty beings by skilled plastic surgeons) to be relevant in the west. But telling the Asian-American chick to “go home” is pretty funny. I know we’ve come so far but for a country that seems to pride itself on being so open-minded, it’s just sad.

  2. Judas says

    what is the conclusion of this report, i don’t get it.. “so lady gaga was at the youtube awards, thats cool. the world is shit and so is she. but idk she’s cool.. kinda.. no she’s not. i hate controversies so much that my whole report is full of controversies”

  3. Little Monster says

    First I want to say, you gave me some good arguments and what you’ve written isn’t bullshit. I’m a Little Monster, and I love Gaga freakin much. But what you’ve written isn’t bullshit, I have to admit that. But you also have to know Lady Gaga let people accept each other and themselves. She frees people and saves lifes. You have to know that before you write such kinds of thinks. She made me feel special and let me accept and love myself. She’s trying to make this world better!! You’ve to understand that before you judge her.

  4. That guy says

    Idk a lot about lady gags I just happened to end up here but this article is just awesome even though I don’t like the topic

  5. Brina says

    I love gaga and (most) of her fashion, when it actually IS fashion and not a weird grill or an egg, but I kind of agree.

    I do wish her music will start reflecting the risks she takes with her persona. I agree. Her music is very radio friendly, and usually good, but it’s not as controversial as she wants her persona to be. I hope she does make controversial music one day. Not change herself, but just take bigger risks :)

  6. NunyaBizness says

    TRASH MUSIC, TRASH PERSON, TRASH ARTICLE BECAUSE ITS ABOUT TRASH!

    100% Waste Of Time, Dont Know Why I Even Read Most Of This, I Must Be Bored