Such is the rapid and worrying rise of the machines, that this week’s big hit at the pictures is completely animated, in a computer sense. That means that it was crafted by a gaggle of dweeboids in woolen Christmas jumpers, who are now more powerful than Jennifer Lopez and Guy Ritchie put together.

This weekend alone, a high pitched squeal of celebrating techno-whizzkids could be heard echoing about the splendid hills of Hollywood, making it rather hard for proven actors to concentrate on servicing whichever downtrodden groupie had lowered their self-esteem enough to become just another glue-like splatter on a massive…

Like movie stars and music moguls, television people like nothing better than an evening of expensive outfits, impressive golden statuettes changing hands, and beautiful faces all sitting around telling one another just how brilliant they all are at their jobs. It’s only a shame that such wonderful nights out don’t stretch into normal jobs.

We shall only ever dream of a day when undervalued stone masons and building site skivvies get to breeze around outside hotels shouting details of their suits/blouses to hysterical reporters. What a great day that would be.

Hollywood – it’s quite a place. And it takes some figuring out, with its crazy unwritten rules, and big fat men on phones calling the shots. But one trick that has surfaced over the last few years is that if you’re quite pretty and you want to be taken seriously in a film, you’ve got to demand that your character is hideous to look at. Philip Seymour Hoffman has been pulling this stunt for years.

And, other hotties like Charlize Theron, Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman have picked up on it and become so revolting in movies that the pipe smoking women…

And so it was the weekend when the big pulsating brains behind X Factor decided that they might as well do two shows in two days. That equals around three hours of hot singing action, plus judges comments. Dannii Minogue, fast receding into the background, has ceased to say anything of worth, and the occasional flashes to her still, eerie face have carved her a niche as the only subliminal judge on the panel.

The other three still cast their important judgements, and Cheryl has now taken to the stage on at least three occasions to hug the weeping contestants, much like…

Hello, erm, Hecklersprayers (?). With Stuart, your usual editor, away tending to other important business, I’ve been drafted in to man the site for a week, and you probably want to know who the hell I am. It’s a good question, and to shed some light on it, I’m a man with a beard, which I wear throughout the year.

I like listening to music

For those of you not keeping up to date with important fashion moments, it’s New York Fancy Dress Week right now, and whether it has been deliberately scheduled to coincide with the anniversary of those terrible plane attacks, we’re not sure.

One thing is for certain though, it’s making for a fine distraction.

Just yesterday Victoria Beckham took the opportunity to wow the angular fashion world – with their wedge haircuts, little moustaches, and hilariously small feet – by turning up at a po-faced Vogue party, specifically Fashion’s Night Out at Bergdorf Goodman, dressed as an LA prostitute.

Some of you will have gone to V this year, or Reading. Or the Glastonbury one. A few of you might even have been to all of them. You probably had a great time. After all, what’s not to love?

You got those middle management guys staring into the middle distance nonchalantly twirling fire on a rope as if that suddenly makes them at one with the earth. You’ve got loud HR workers chewing their own mouths off in the dance tent. You might even have found yourself in the reggae area, desperately attempting to hold down a gush of puke having mixed a brewski with a marijuana joint. Festival season – it’s just brilliant.

But before you pull your dreads apart and return to civilisation with tales of how great Blur were, or how Dizzy Rascal is totally blowing your mind right now, take a deep breath and scroll through our top five list of the greatest live performers ever. Prepare to be amazed…

While Simon Cowell prepares to spend the late Summer/Early Autumn explaining to people with special needs that while they might be special, it’s not the good singing special that he’s after, the Strictly Come Dancing judges have already vetted their contestants, fishing instead from the very deep waters of minor celebrity.

Allow us to introduce the sixteen famous faces preparing to show the exact contours of their crotches to the nation…