Some people just don’t quite know how to correctly behave when they’re famous. Yes, we’re talking about you, Sarah Michelle Gellar! And you, Freddie Prinze Jr! Don’t try to hide away from our steely gaze. You both once had the world at your feet. For Christ’s sake, you could have been the next Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. But look at you, so totally normal, it’s disgusting. You’ve even given your child a standard everyday name – Charlotte Grace. Charlotte Grace? What the hell is wrong with you people?

As literally everyone else on the planet knows, if you’re going to live in the limelight, every single aspect of your life must be thrilling and unusual. Your diet, your choice of deity to worship, your outfits, and especially your children. They should be given freaky made-up names that sound stupid, like Suri, Maddox, or Brooklyn. Names guaranteed to see them cornered in the playground, and eventually home schooled.

They should have hairstyles almost as soon as they exit the womb, and their baby outfits should consist of hilarious designer trainers, and jeans! Celebrity babies MUST wear jeans. After all, these kiddies are not delicate souls ready to be nurtured and loved, they’re extensions of your personality, who will eventually blow most of your money on crystal meth, because they could never live up to your phenomenal successes. Might we suggest changing the Charlotte bit to Willem? It’s a small gesture, but funnier. More Hollywood.

Unfortunately, it’s not the first time Michelle Gellar has failed to play the Hollywood card correctly, having previously responded to a simple question about religion by claiming to believe that there might be some kind of God, but going on to point out that she doesn’t affiliate herself with any of the organised religions. Oh, for the love of GOD, woman! What kind of weedy, flannel-like response is that? It’s one of the first rules of celebrity that you choose something outrageous, pluck it from thin air if you must, and then just go with it. Macho men like Cruise and Travolta have been doing this very well for years. And Madonna found, to her enormous benefit, that wearing a thin red cotton bracelet made her somehow more alluring and impressive. These are the people to watch and learn from, Gellar and Prinz Jnr. The kind of people who would only acknowledge someone called Charlotte Grace had she just finished wiping down their car for a few bucks.

The baby, by the way, was born on Saturday. Poor little blighter.

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