Over the weekend, the latest Megan Fox movie opened for business, then whimpered its way through the first few nights, barely creating a ripple on the vast Hollywood ocean. Meanwhile the cartoon about meatballs caused a splash the size of Philip Seymour Hoffman high diving into a shot glass. What in hellfire is going on here? The Megan Fox film is called “Jennifer’s Body”, it’s got Fox playing the part of “Jennifer”. Surely that makes it Megan Fox’s body, no? Who wouldn’t want to see a film about Megan Fox’s body?
The answer to that question is this: barely anyone. Especially not on a massive cinema screen, where it would be ten times more intense, and twenty-three times bigger. Has everyone turned gay? Again, the answer is a resounding “no”. Not everyone has turned gay. Some people might have, but that probably had little to do with this particular actress, and more to do with genetics, hormones, and an insatiable urge to wear swimming knickers instead of long Bermuda-style trunks.
No, the real reason that the masses have avoided this horror-slash-comedy romp is that Fox is fast becoming rather difficult to like.
The actress made a number of startling errors in the run up to the film. She revealed before it opened that she wouldn’t ever consider taking her private parts out for a movie. An almighty error of judgement, based on the fact that 93.4 per cent of cinema goers would only attend a Megan Fox film on the off-chance of a fleeting nipple shot or a couple of stray pubes. She further alienated her gentlemen fan-base by publicly slapping a ban on any future boyfriends producing a whirring film camera during their hours of intense, greasy love making. In this day an age, to bar a horny lover from making a homemade sex tape seems a little draconian. After all, were you to hurl a shoe into any university lecture, you’d hit at least twelve students with an astonishingly filthy amateur romp in their back catalogue, and even the droning professor will have attempted to catch the essence of his drunken marital intercourse on a camera-phone at least once. If only to analyze the symbolism of the erect male beast contrasted against his lover’s dewy, moistened flesh. It’s just what educated people do when they’re in love.
Her second cock up – which may have played a part in the paltry weekend takings of just $6.8 million – ?was to bemoan her godless existence, urging the world to understand that even she, Megan Fox, has problems. She feels lonely and sad sometimes. Hell, she even thinks that you’re laughing at her behind her back. It’s not her fault that she was born with great hair, and a body so taut that you could string a tennis racket on it. But unfortunately for the actress, the public demands that their beautiful female starlets be kooky, and smiley – like Cameron Diaz or Marilyn Monroe – not dark, miserable and brooding – like… a teenage goth?
Plus, of course, everyone who worked on Transformers has come out to declare what a rotten brainless hag she is in real life, which can’t have helped matters.
Much work to do Fox. Much work indeed.
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