Deep down, everyone wants to be Megan Fox – and by ‘everyone’ we mean a handful of unfathomably creepy teenage boys.
But being Megan Fox is hard. You might think it’s all constant glamour, endless parties and compulsive Purell use because you know that everyone you’ve ever shaken hands with has probably just masturbated, but it’s not. Sometimes Megan Fox gets sad. And sometimes Megan Fox gets angry. Sometimes Megan Fox even suffers from self-loathing.
This news has come as a total shock. We’ve seen all of Megan Fox’s movies, so we assumed that the only emotion she understood was ‘vacant incomprehension’.
This is a big week for Megan Fox – she’s on the promotional trail for Jennifer’s Body, and she desperately needs to prove to the world that there’s more to her than a vague resemblance to Angelina Jolie and a constant, soul-draining quest for relentless attention. One way for her to do this could be to show what a talented and versatile actress she is, but that’s obviously out of the question.
So instead we’d like to welcome you to a brand new edition of Megan Fox: The Irresponsible Self-Harm Years.
You see, now that she’s blown the myth that she’ll get naked in Jennifer’s Body, Megan Fox has stopped all boys from wanting to go and see it. That leaves girls, and if there’s one thing that girls love more than anything, it’s stories about other girls cutting themselves. And that seems to be what Megan Fox has tapped into with this golden nugget of information, which came up when Rolling Stone asked if she was ever a cutter:
“Yeah. But I don’t want to elaborate. I would never call myself a cutter. Girls go through different phases when they’re growing up, when they’re miserable and do different things, whether it’s an eating disorder or they dabble in cutting… I’m really insecure about everything. I never think I’m worthy of anything… I have a sick feeling of being mocked all the time. I have a lot of self-loathing.”
To be perfectly honest, we’re not entirely sure that Megan Fox was using all of her marbles when she decided to say that. After all, it’s going to be read by lots of young girls who’ll want to emulate their hero. And we’re here to say this: girls – if you want to be Megan Fox, you don’t have to cut yourself. It’s much easier to fluke your way into Hollywood based on your looks, pout your way through a handful of underwhelming movies and then keep your profile up by prattling on endlessly about yourself to anyone with a microphone while dressed as a sort of third-tier prostitute.
And as for self-loathing, that’s just silly. Megan Fox is the envy of the entire world. FOr starters, she’s got to work with Shia LaBeouf twice and… oh, now we get it. Sorry Megan.