And so another year rolls around, and thousands of orphans will be performing song-and-dance routines, begging you not to turn your back on them, like everyone else they ever gave a damn about has.

Early reports suggest that a quartet of hookers could be the next Pussycat Dolls, but no doubt they will be usurped at some point by a sniveling effeminate teen who has promised his dying nan that he will win X Factor for her. Regardless that she’s never seen it. It’s the television highlight of the autumn, and yet, they never quite get the winner right.

In a perfect world,…

Celebrities are rebels, we don’t need to tell you that. You’ve seen them, with their breast augmentations and their drugs parties – sticking two fingers up at convention.

We’re used to their madness. Or, at least, we were used to their madness. This summer has unleashed a whole new crop of famous rebels, collectively known as ‘the women who refuse to get ugly’.

Most of them have burst into their 40s or thereabouts daring to still be completely sexually attractive. Unheard of in years gone by. But there they are, with their “bikini bodies” – which, by the way, are much more…

Man, rock stars are petrifying, with their tight leather trousers, their big greasy hair styles, and their hungry, sexual tongues.

Oh, and they like drugs too. Like them so damn much. Now close your eyes and picture them in your mind’s eye, sitting there, with their piles of heroin and their electric guitars still switched on in the background. Possibly with their underpants pulled right down. It’s a terrifying sight isn’t it?

With that in mind, we thought it high time we compile the most devastatingly crazy rock band of all time…

Ever since gorgeous Marilyn Monroe stepped out with George-Formby lookalike Joe DiMaggio, a handful of famous stunners have continued the trend of unveiling their new boyfriends to the sound of a thousand showbusiness journalists dry puking whilst attempting to write short hand.

Surely the rules dictate that great looking people should stick to their own kind, not dabble in the swamp waters of the ugly pool? Not so, say these five beautiful rebels…

Like most of the planet, we’ve spent the last few weeks weeping hysterically along to the words of Dirty Diana, or turning up at beat poetry nights to deliver a sobbed version of Billie Jean with a simple bass drum accompaniment.

Our grief, it seemed, was never going to end. At one point we even considered having Michael Jackson’s strange clown face tattooed onto our own faces, so that we could spend the rest of our lives singing Man in the Mirror in front of a mirror. To the man in the mirror.

And then we realised two things. Firstly, we realised that we…

And so the planet mourns the death of Michael Jackson. Singer, dancer, owner of monkey.

Expect to spend the next few long months being force fed compilations of his greatest moments, most of which will feature Thriller, Billie Jean, Man in The Mirror. His so-called greatest hits. Only, really, they’re not. Not by a million miles. We know that because we’ve listened to every single Michael Jackson record, at least one and a half times each, so we have a fairly advanced knowledge of his work.

So, ignore these “experts”, here are his real most wonderful moments…

Now that it’s holiday season, all the famous stars are coming out with their taut, muscular bikini bodies.

Some, like Scary Spice, got a little bit carried away, and now she’s got Peter Andre’s 1990s stomach, which resembles tight latex stretched over two giant packets of Wrigley’s Extra. It’s a weird look, especially with a set of womanly bosoms looming over the abs.

Other famous faces will be surfacing over the coming weeks, oiled and dainty in their trunks and cozzies, so we thought it high time to wobble our appreciative stomachs in the direction of some brilliant famous people who…

Ahh, watching Kooks-a-like Kris darting a feverish tongue into Sophie’s appreciative mouth for a nanosecond of serious sex action is a beautiful sight.

Hopefully, before this series of Big Brother is over, there will be more romance. Perhaps Marcus will get to steamroller Angel in the bit between the diary room and the house? Or might Sree finally achieve all of his wants with a long night of intense sexual intercourse with the Irish one?

One thing is for sure, when it comes to beautiful romances, Big Brother has more than provided. Here are the five greatest on-screen love affairs. Hankies at the ready…

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