That’s it, we’ve had enough. No more shooting, no more blood, no more swearing and definitely no more insulting other players or their mothers. No more. We’re done with it.

As we all know, playing violent games makes you a killer. Every individual at hecklerspray who has ever played a video game has a kill ratio of three people per game played.

It’s just common sense.

So thank Thor for the Germans and their incredible foresight when it comes to violent games potentially being entirely banned in their great nation.

Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable – they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example.

Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that – as with most old movies – needs no remake and you’re left with the situation we have today.

For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron.

For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.

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Hard as it may be to believe or even accept, authorities in Switzerland have confirmed that everyone’s favourite ‘death waiting to happen’, Pete Doherty, has been fined for a being a big drug-using drug user.

The troubled poet – nay, genius – was found slumped on the toilet on a British Airways flight into Geneva on Friday, possibly as a result of his ferocious intellect finally managing to overwhelm him.

Either that or he was offering handjobs for crack money and got a bit tired from all the wrist action, so decided to settle down for a little nap.

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When looking for someone to act as the once-prodigious, now-dead Jeff Buckley why not go for talent on the level of Robert Pattinson?

After all, he is an actor lacking any discernable passion, he is attractive in a thoroughly mediocre way and he’s generally a bit crap.

It’s a perfect fit for the lead role in the still-vaunted biopic of Jeff Buckley. Especially if Pattinson is into method acting and decides to do his own stunts. In the drowning scene.

Too harsh?

Things that are certain in life: Big Brother will be awful but it will drag us all in for the hideous ride. Death, taxes and an irritating headache on the day you’re supposed to be going on a big night out. Sacha Baron Cohen will get sued eight billion times for whichever of his comedy characters he’s been parading around most recently.

Yes, the latter has once again happened, with Cohen’s Bruno being sued for allegedly hurting a woman in a bingo hall quite badly.

Normally this would bring cries of derision from hecklerspray, but this time it looks a bit different…

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In a news nugget sure to change the very way we think about humanity itself, Lindsay Lohan has arrived in London to do some stuff.

Hold us back, this could be epoch-making.

Speculation has been mounting that the star of Herbie and, umm… hecklerspray has timed her arrival to coincide with that of former/current were-they-weren’t-they lover/pal/fanny chum Sam Ronson, who is in town to get paid to play a couple of records.

It’s called “DJing”, apparently. Ah well, at least it involves more talent than standing still and managing not to die while being photographed. For money. Which exactly what Lindsay is doing.

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It’s E3 this week in LA, and we have our intrepid reporter Dave over there covering everything in his periodic updates.

What this means is there’s little else going on in the gaming world and it’s hard for us to think of much else to cover.

So why not just go read Dave’s E3 columns for your fix on the breaking news and just to see him boasting about how he gets to go to LA for free like a massive, massive twerp.

Jealousy: our strong point. But read on for things we’ve been trying to think about this week while we avoid the thought of…

Granted, this isn’t the biggest or best celebrity story you’re ever going to see, but who cares when it features Megan Fox and has that headline?

It can’t come as any major surprise to the ’star’ of such ‘entertainment’ ‘classics’ as Transformers that she’s been slagged off by some in the media once more – this time for her wonderful haircut being sported at the MTV Movie Awards. After all, she is the proud owner of some of the worst tattoos ever committed to the flesh of a ‘talented’ actress.

Sorry: ‘actress’.