This week, erstwhile hecklerspray listmaker extraordinaire David Schwartz has flown out to California to cover the E3 expo. Here’s the first instalment of his E3 diary…
Five minutes in LA and I am stalking someone already ? Snoop Dogg.
He was in the same passport control queue as us and almost made the several days we spent in it worthwhile. Of course, we tried to have word with him but were soon scared off by his bodyguard, who is officially the biggest person I have ever seen (take note Norris McWhirter).
I think he ate the last journalist who had the temerity to ask Snoop a question and then flossed with his photographer.
Being suitably scared off from asking a question (even though, I'll be honest, at that point, I was still trying to think of something to say), I tried to get my camera out of my suitcase.
But by the time I managed to get the damned thing to work (which is slightly ironic as I supposed to be looking at all the latest gadgets coming out at E3 and I can't even take a picture), he was gone.
One of the party I was with did manage to get a shot of him, but with House from Police Academy blocking out the sun next to him, it is not the best photo of him.
I have not given up ? yet. But maybe I should.
After all, I am in LA to go to E3 ? and I am really not sure Snoop is in town to try out the new Bioshock. I REALLY hope I am wrong. Imagine playing against him at Grand Theft Auto on Xbox Live?
The trip was arranged by Microsoft, who tell us they have some hot news.
For inviting us, we are very grateful, but if they think a trip to LA is going to colour my judgement they have another thing coming.
As always, hecklerspray will say how it is and true to our readers. Although, can I just say, the Xbox is fantastic and from a certain angle and bad lighting (i.e pitch black), its profile looks a bit like Scarlett Johansson?s breasts.
Hopefully, I have to say, the news Microsoft has to tell us is going to be hotter than the weather. It seems typical that, having left a beautifully-sunny London behind, we are greeted by greying skies. The weather forecast does not offer much hope either. Once again God craps in my ear.
More disturbing is the news that Marisa Tomei is apparently a bit stuck-up. In fact, my cabbie, after I started fishing around about celebrity passengers he had had, confided with me that all the taxi drivers in LA hate taking her because she is such a pain.
The one bright spot is that within five minutes of landing details of the new PSP had ?accidentally? been leaked.
Qore, Sony?s downloadable PlayStation 3 propaganda video, included a feature on the handheld?s re-design ? and even promised entries into the Metal Gear Solid, Jak, and Gran Turismo franchises.
Of course, the fact Sony wanted to steal a march on Microsoft before tonight?s big press conference had nothing to do with it.
But what else is going to happen at this year’s event, which starts later today? Well, here are our predictions:
1 – Microsoft launches new motion controller for the Xbox
If Microsoft is going to keep the Xbox 360 on the market for at least the next three to four years they need to keep subscribers interested. A new motion capture would do just that. They had the ‘Newton’ flying 3D mouse waggle wand in development for over a year now and the recent rumours are about a camera and sensor bar. I will probably make some cack-handed attempt to try out new motion controller – and end up on my backside. Hopefully, they will get some celebrity to try it out.
2 – Microsoft tells us why we should ditch our iPods
The latest iPod killer from Microsoft, Zune HD, will get an airing, with the help of some very hot games. As for convincing us to get rid of our iPods, all I will say is, good luck!
3 – Nintendo hit back
After bombing at least year?s event, Nintendo are going to come out all guns blazing. New Metroid, Legend of Zelda and Mario releases are expected, but is there going to be more?
4 – E3 is a lot more fun than last year?s event
Well, it could not be any worse.
5 – Slimmer and slightly cheaper PS3 is announced
My total guess, it will probably be about ?70 cheaper and be available before the start of June.
6 – Microsoft announces new Halo, Alan Wake, Metal Gear Solid 4 and Mass Effect 2 for Xbox 360
Gamers everywhere wet themselves in excitement.
7 – Sony announces Gran Turismo 5 for PS3
Hooray!
8 – Despite the weather, I still end up horribly sunburnt and looking like The Singing Detective
9 – I get terribly drunk and end up sharing a taxi with Marisa Tomei
Read above to understand this terrible joke.
10 – Sony steal Microsoft?s thunder by accidentally launching details about their new PSP
Well, I needed to get one right.
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Maddi says
You’re amazing Dave!