We’re worried about Robert Pattinson – no, genuinely – we are worried about the vampire-man from the Twilight films.

After all, being relentlessly pursued all your life (for the last year) by a bunch of shrieking, cloying tweens and spinsters is hard enough. Throw in those devastating floods of urine and it’s sure to annoy anyone.

Even a plank of wood with a face drawn on it, which is exactly what Pattinson seems to be.

And it would seem we’re not alone, as Twilight co-acting person Michael Welch has expressed his discomfort at the attention lavished on young Planky.

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We at hecklerspray feel nothing but intense sympathy for the shining beacon of all celebrity cock-drawing that is Perez Hilton after the suffering he must have been through recently.

Not only has he allegedly been attacked by will.i.am/Bill.I.Was/Frank Arnesen/whatever’s manager, he’s now been insulted by a man who vies with Robert Pattinson for the title of ‘Man Who Has Personality Most Like A Brick Wall’ - John Mayer – and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation hate him too.

The musicians, the celebrities, the gays – is there anyone who doesn’t hate Perez Hilton?

Anyone? No?

Ah.

Apologies to those who missed last week’s Guff – we know how much you love it and how it ranks amongst the most-viewed pages in hecklerspray history, but the hive mind went on a road trip. By train.

So, back to normal service it is. Hey – aren’t these things that happened over the last couple of weeks in gaming funny! Ho ho ho.

Seriously though – that whole PEGI/BBFC furore has produced some amazing bitchiness and a lot of people who didn’t care about the whole thing reacting in a way that suggests they still don’t care about the whole thing.

What a…

Shocking news shockingly emerged to shock the world when it was revealed Megan Fox brutally snubbed a fan offering her a rose the other day.

While most of the shock was reserved for the fan himself, who looked like the 80s had truly never ended, some people reserved their shockedness for the one in the tight jeans from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

For you see, it is expected of movie stars to brave the crowds, to listen to their fans and to not (shockingly) ignore the offer of a yellow rose from someone who probably masturbates over pictures of you.

Shocker.

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In a shocking indictment of the state of movie directors and their grasp of the English language, Michael Bay has unleashed a furious and poorly-written email in the direction of Paramount’s bigwigs.

Bay’s email came as a result of what he perceived to be a lack of marketing behind his new vehicle of childhood butchery, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

While the content of the email, dated May 4th, isn’t that much of a shocker, the man who likes things to blow up committed the cardinal sin of writing “of” in place of “have”. More than once.

He must be a hecklerspray writer-in-training.

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In what can only be seen as a classic case of people not doing their research, reading the Twilight series or paying any attention to the world around them, Robert Pattinson has sensationally not won the title of Most Eligible British Bachelor.

The man who portrays the character of Edward Cullen so wonderfully, in a manner which makes you think he even bothered to read the book (he probably had a spare afternoon), the man with a face he openly admits looks like a featureless wall of plaster and he with a personality to match didn’t win it.

What has the world come to?

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The will-he won’t-he train has taken yet another turn towards… umm… won’t… ville… after the news emerged that Michael Jackson is being sued for $40 million.

And it’s probably not even for what you’re thinking it’s for.

What’s that? You think it’s because he’s allegedly contractually obliged to perform in the US in a Jackson 5 reunion show before he comes over to the UK for his 50-show run in the O2 Arena?

Alright then, it is for what you’re thinking it’s for.

Ex-Beatle Paul McCartney has revealed his decision to avoid voting in the recent European Parliament Elections, as a protest to naughty governmental shenanigans.

The ‘annoying sounding one’ from the pop legends told of his choice to abstain in an interview with The Independent, saying his decision came about as a result of the ongoing expenses scandal.

For those not in the know: the people in charge of Britain spent a great deal of taxpayers money on personal items like houses for ducks.

HOUSES FOR DUCKS.