Never let it be said we are anything but balanced, fair and righteous here at hecklerspray – we will always cover things from every angle available to us.

Which is why we’re now going to talk about the latest TV appearance by Peter Andre, where he gets all boo-hooey and says he’s all about his kids and stuff, and then completely fails to see the connection between apologising for his life in the spotlight then announcing he has a new reality show currently filming.

What a tool.

See? We’re not just mean to Katie Price.

Though she is a giganto-titted monstrosity of Lovecraftian proportions.

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Summer means no games coming out, it means having to go outside and it means that all we can do is stare longingly at pictures of games that are going to come out at Christmas.

It is a sad time indeed to be a gamer, and one of the worst times for the affliction known as “always looking forward… itis… osis” whereby people insist on ignoring what’s about now and instead focus on what will be about in six months.

Of course, when the six months is up they just end up looking forward to the stuff coming in 2010, and so…

We feared this day would come and we tried to prepare for it, but it all seems so futile when presented with the horrible truth: Amy Winehouse is back in the UK.

We’re all to blame – the signs were thrust into our collective face – we were warned.

Recession? Warning. Global warming? Warning. Death of Michael Jackson? Warning. Idiotic fans of Twilight leaving semi-literate comments on hecklerspray? Warning.

We didn’t listen, we didn’t pay any attention, we let apathy win again and look where it’s left us – lumbered with that weird-looking sing-o-hag once more.

But wait – what’s this?!

…

There are some moves people will make to maintain credibility, and there are some moves which end up being quite misinformed.

Can you guess which side Katie Price (or “Jordan” if you prefer her hooker name) being interviewed by Piers Morgan (or “Twat” if you prefer his real name) would fall into?

But what if we throw in the fact that poor Katie broke down in tears during the interview, making out as if she were the victim to Peter Andre’s evil ways?

Then it would be secret option three: you’re only hurting yourself and my god we wish Piers Morgan would just die.

…

The world of entertainment has lost another of its true greats, adding yet another name to the list of death in the last few months.

Following the hysterical splurge of affection for a man who just the day before was being mocked around the clock on Michael Jackson’s death, through the shameful ignorance shown by the general populace on Steven Wells‘ death and after the rather embarrassing position David Carradine seemed to get himself into – before dying in said position – we have been left shocked by yet another loss.

Ozzy Osbourne’s dog has been eaten by a coyote.

It’ll be alright –…

It’s sure to come as a shock, but try not to go for your gun straight away, whether it’s to go on a killing rampage or to turn the barrel on yourself. Just hold on. You can get through this.

It’s damn hard though. We’re struggling ourselves to come to terms with the news. Be comforted in the knowledge that hecklerspray is doing everything in its power to get to the bottom of this.

For you see, Robert “Rob” Pattinson has gone and got Kristen Stewart pregnant, if reports are to be believed.

Tweens and spinsters: he’s cheated on you.

…

There is some news that just gets swept under in the grand scheme of things, even if it’s Twittered about and – as we all know – everyone in the world reads that pile of tripe.

Even news about Lucasarts classics being remade and re-released on one of those new-fangled ‘digital distribution’ platforms, called ‘Steam‘, or something, which has suffered in the wake of the news of Michael Jackson’s death.

Wait – what do you mean Michael Jackson is dead?!

We hadn’t heard. Three hundred times a day. For the last four months.

Yes, since before he had even died.

…

Jealousy is a sad, bad thing for everyone involved – and it’s especially bad when it involves some of the most incredibly talented A-list performers in the world today.

Which means this news isn’t as bad as it could have been, because it only involves Megan Fox and Zac Efron.

Anyway, these little blighters have done the worst thing imaginable – they’ve tried to steal some news space away from Michael Jackson by definitely (possibly) getting married (dating), all while the world’s favourite singer is preparing for his headline shows at the O2…

What do you mean he’s dead?!

Ah.

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