Something's clearly not right here. By packing David and Victoria Beckham off to Los Angeles we guessed that we wouldn't hear much more from them – but now the Beckhams have managed to elbow their way into the news more than ever.
It's all because of David Beckham's move to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy, of course – where he's basically become the most highly-paid T-shirt salesman in the world – but you wouldn't know it to hear Victoria Beckham prattling on endlessly about herself. This week sees the broadcast of the prime-time Victoria Beckham TV special, but before its aired Victoria Beckham has decided to treat us all to a little sneak preview – by carping on about her massive new LA house in such excruciating detail that we're surprised nobody has pushed her down a flight of stairs for it yet.
So much has been made of David and Victoria Beckham's arrival in Los Angeles that anyone would think Jesus had popped over to LA to share the secret of eternal life with the world instead of a squeaky-voiced, past-his-best footballer and his relentlessly irritating wife – but things are only going to get worse, so buckle up and grit your teeth.
Although we've all endured the Tom Cruise stories and the Beckham family waxworks, tonight things will kick into overdrive with the American premiere of Victoria Beckham's dull-as-bricks sounding TV special Victoria Beckham: Coming To America. Even though Victoria Beckham: Coming To America has been edited down into a one-off special from the original six-part TV series concept about how many pigs chased Victoria Beckham around a school – never the most promising sign for a TV show – the hype about it is so great that it's all Victoria Beckham can do not to turn up to every single TV show around and unflaggingly talk about herself like she's the most important thing on earth. Oh wait a minute, that's what she has been doing.
Most recently Victoria Beckham has been talking about her great big new house in Los Angeles. Up until now we knew two things about the new Beckham home – 1) it isn't Neverland and 2) it has an insultingly expensive wardrobe in it – but Victoria Beckham wants you to know more about it. Much more. The Mirror reports:
David set eyes on the six-bedroom home for the first time last Thursday. His training schedule for Real Madrid stopped him joining his wife on her house-hunting trips. And Victoria said the pad was so impressive it stunned him into silence. She added: "The place is so amazing, I can't tell you how fabulous it is. Obviously David hadn't seen it so I was really nervous about his reaction… Katie Holmes has been amazing, helping me get all the girly stuff sorted. And Kelly Hoppen has done the most incredible job… Her taste is impeccable, it's all very simple, muted tones, and practical to live in, but so stylish at the same time."
Well thank christ we know that now. We're sure that Victoria Beckham will be delighted to hear that hecklerspray's home is equally simple and stylish, having been mainly decorated with planks of wood and breezeblocks. What's that? Victoria Beckham's house is better than ours because it's full of blown-up pictures of the David and Victoria Beckham W magazine photoshoot? Well, OK, we'll grudgingly admit that Victoria Beckham probably lives in a nicer house than us, but since we'll never have children pulling on our trouser legs and asking us "Mummy, why are you lying on that car pointing your arse at Daddy like a slut in that picture?" we're calling it a draw.