Depending on your social status, you will be able to afford different goods and services. While hecklerspray badly wants to join the Sunday Times top 100 rich list, we are sadly a few million quid short of doing so.
However, when you do have more bloody money than sense, the temptation to buy overpriced tacky crap becomes too strong to skip. Most celebrities will not buy stuff unless it's been made by wanky fashion houses like D&G, Louis Vuitton and Fred Perry. And it looks like this train of thought has happened to David and Victoria Beckham as they have reportedly blown £250,000 on a hi-tech wardrobe. We shit you not. Honestly! No word of a lie, we weren’t pissed when we scribbled this article together. Well maybe a little, but our alcoholism is not to be discussed in public.
Reports floating around on the internet suggest that everyone’s favourite overexposed celebrity couple have splashed a ridiculous amount of money for something that the rest of us could normally pick up for a lot less. Maybe we should invite David and Victoria Beckham round to our gaff to show them what an Ikea is. On the other hand, Victoria wouldn't want something that isn’t mega-original and a one-off. A possible trek down the car boot sale is in order, we think. It’s full of bargains and more than just wardrobes. All the knock-off DVDs and computer games you could ever dream of would be there. There’d be so much there that all their oddly-named Beckham children would be in broken Scalextric and old Blue Peter annuals for years!
So, anyway, £250,000 for a bloody wardrobe, how could they afford that? Well David Beckham has just pissed off to America to play football because he’s not good enough for European competition, and Victoria Beckham has sadly announced her comeback with her trusty band mates, The Spice Girls. It’s only a tour apparently, not fresh tripe to infect our ears. The Verve are meant to be doing that instead.
This wardrobe seems to do more than just hang clothes up. We are quite intrigued to find out what it does compared to ours. Well actually that’s a lie, we just throw our clothes in a pile in the corner of the room where there’s no empty takeaway cartons or beer cans. According to reports, the wardrobe in question:
Uses computer technology to scan a person's outfit and provide a 360-degree image. The computer system also apparently has an archive so that each outfit worn can be catalogued in order to avoid wearing the same outfit twice.
Since our wardrobe only contains three cardigans and a single pair of nylon slacks, we'd be most interested to see how it could avoid making us wear the same outfit more than once. Maybe it's just absurdly rich idiots like the Beckhams who would invest in such a stupid piece of technology. Perhaps we should suggest a million-pound device which magically summons cake on handclap to the Beckhams. Oh wait, Victoria Beckham probably doesn't eat cake. A device that summons millimetre-sized portions of lettuce leaves then. Or whatever.
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Viking Lumberjack says
Sadly, very sadly, you may be mistaken on the Spice Girls not having “fresh tripe to infect our ears”. From what I understand, they’re going to release one album and have a short tour. The thought of an aging Geri Halliwell stuffing her moist bits into an undersized set of lingerie and prancing about on stage lip-synching to “fresh” “music” while her gravy arms flail about is almost more than a sane person can bear.
Let’s pretend that there’s a God for a moment:
God help us all.
Gilbert Wham says
Surely, the same results could be acheived with a mirror and a fully functioning brai… Wait, no, forget it.
Vicky says
Everything is ridiculous about The Beckhams but nothing more so that the reunion of The Spice Girls – A load of women well into their thirties miming to their old songs and trying to dance. Of course they will have help with real dancers and real singers but it will still be ridiculous. You tube will have a hay day.