Funny lot, the royal family; they're basically just a bunch of blithering clueless upper-class twits, yet somehow we're expected to care about them when they do stuff – like Prince William splitting up with his girlfriend Kate Middleton a few days ago.
Actually, scrap that – we're not supposed to care about Prince William splitting up with Kate Middleton at all. We know this because Tony Blair told us so. Even though a story about Prince William splitting up with the girl who was almost Queen is fairly big news if you're interested in that sort of thing, Tony Blair took a stand yesterday to say that any media intrusion into the royal split is completely unacceptable – unlike any media intrusion about the worsening relationship between Kerry Katona and her mum, because Tony Blair is actually quite interested in that.
The royal family really is a group of mental bastards. Among its most notorious members are Little Prince Tittysqueeze (also known as Duke Of Falling Over Outside Nightclubs), Prince Ludicrous Harlem Photo Op and a dead woman who almost had sex with David Hasselhoff. The royal family is so weird that the BBC wants to make an Osbournes-style reality TV show about them – but don't expect Prince William to provide many laughs.
As the heir to the throne, Prince William went through a difficult operation as a child where his personality was surgically removed. It's a well-known fact that the most controversial thing Prince William has ever done was say that he quite likes Pop Idol – until now. Because now Prince William has split up with his girlfriend of four years, Kate Middleton.
Prince William and Kate Middleton, who first met when they were both at university, officially split up this weekend – but you already knew that thanks to all the Prince William Haikus scattered around hecklerspray. However, nobody really knows why Prince William ended it. Until the truth behind the split is finally revealed there's inevitably going to be a lot of media scrutiny – and rightly so, because there literally is nothing more important than the private life of a boy who'll one day rule an entire country just because a fluke of genetics resulted in his sperm invading Princess Diana's ovum first.
But Prime Minister Tony Blair disagrees. Tony Blair thinks that all reporters should jolly well eff off and leave Prince William and Kate Middleton alone forever, as he told The Politics Show yesterday:
"I think in respect of Prince William, they are a young couple. We have had the announcement, fine. They should be left alone now, without reams of stuff being written – that I can assure you, from my experience of royal stories, most of which will be complete nonsense. I think, now it has been announced, they should be allowed to get on with their lives."
And maybe Tony Blair is right about Prince William and Kate Middleton. Many of the stories about them – like the one about Prince William being so upset about the split that he could only force down six swans and one glass of peasant tears for breakfast this morning – are completely false, so maybe the media should back off.
Besides, the truth about Prince William's split from Kate Middleton is bound to reveal itself in the fullness of time, either when Prince William drunkenly invades the stage at this summer's creepy Princess Diana concert and bellows at Elton John to play more sad songs or – more likely – when Kate Middleton signs up as a columnist for sodding Closer magazine or something.
Read more:
johnner says
I think Kate is better off. If she had upset her in-laws she risked being chased by a shifty looking white Fiat Uno
Dallas says
The break-up was front-page news in a major daily newspaper in Winnipeg, Canada. Unbelievable. Granted, the paper in question is called the Sun…