Prince Harry is in the army now, and must behave as such; basically that involves going into town on a night off, getting blootered on gallons of pikey booze and starting as many fights as humanly possible – and that was Prince Harry's Saturday.
The Sunday newspapers yesterday were full of pictures of Prince Harry, who decided to mark a gap in his military schedule by going out clubbing in London dressed in a ridiculous scarf and woolly hat combo, drinking until he literally couldn't stand up any more and getting accused of assault by a photographer who he apparently had a bit of a fight with. By using other celebrities as a yardstick, we've deduced that it won't be long before Prince Harry shaves his head, goes to rehab, calls himself the Antichrist and then accidentally shows his vagina to a group of paparazzi while getting out of a car.
Now that The Queen has won all kinds of awards over the last couple of months, it goes without saying that film studios will be looking to make similarly-minded follow-ups. A story about Prince Charles falling in love with Camilla and awkwardly playing basketball, for example, or the pressure that faces Prince William as he grows up knowing that he will one day be king while trying to forget that David Hasselhoff wanted to bone his dead Mum. Hopefully, though, Prince Harry will one day get the biopic treatment too – because, face it, who doesn't love a good movie about an angry red-faced drunken over-privileged bizarrely ginger dimwit?
The Prince Harry movie would have several big set pieces – like the instance when Prince Harry was caught smoking drugs, the instance when Prince Harry was photographed squeezing a girl's boobies in a nightclub, the instance when, um, Prince Harry pretended to like Pop Idol for a TV interview – it's all hard-hitting stuff. And obviously the movie's climax would involve Prince Harry leaving a club where he'd been dancing with the titty-grope girl, becoming enraged at a nearby photographer, trying to beat him up and then drunkenly falling over as he gets shoved into a car. Pretty much what happened on Saturday, actually, as the News Of The World reports:
Harry tried to sneak out of the back door of the club at 3am yesterday while Natalie left by the front. But when the royal on the razzle spotted photographer Nirach Tanner waiting he chased him down the street in a fury. "He was very drunk. I took a few shots of him and he just came for me," said Tanner, 27. "He knows me because I've taken his pictures before and I have never had a problem with him. He saw me as he came out of the club's rear entrance because he didn't want to be spotted leaving with Natalie. He screamed at me to 'F*** off', then grabbed me and tried to shove me over. He had his hands around my collar and back. It was an assault. I've never known anything like it before."
Luckily Prince Harry won't have suffered too much from a sore head the following day, as he'll have no doubt been given the traditional Royal hangover cure – a raw swan egg mixed into a pint of orphan tears, served up with a whole roasted endangered Tibetan antelope.
But, ever the optimists, we can see the silver lining around the massive cloud that Prince Harry is currently under. He is just six weeks away from going to serve in Iraq and, on current form, we're confident that he'll be able to clean up the mess there all by himself. With his fists. While shouting "Caaaaahhm on you fuggin wankahs!" Before going for a kebab.
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Daniel Wilkinson says
I can’t fucking begin to describe how much the Royal family annoy me. I liked the Queen Mum, though – she was like a constantly-drunk sultana with a smashed up dinner plate for a mouth