Like most people with a Napoleon complex, hecklerspray has often fantasised about violently colonising our own country; one of the laws of this new country would be to ban Elton John, and we're not alone – Tobago wants Elton John banned, too.
However, while we'd ban Elton John because he's a bit of a twit, Tobago wants to ban Elton John because he's gay. Although Elton John is due to play a festival in Tobago in April, angry islanders are calling for his performance to be banned, lest Elton John's inherent gayness suddenly turn all the men in Tobago into a roaming herd of predatory gay men. Perhaps nobody in Tobago has ever seen a picture of Elton John, because – in our experience – rather than recruiting straight men to the gays, the sight of an angry, tubby, bespectacled, gap-toothed 60-year-old in a ginger wig is usually enough to turn most gay men straight.
It goes without saying that Tobago is probably the most heterosexual country in the world, with national pastimes including going to see the monster trucks, watching WWE wrestling on TV and shouting "nice tits!" in a vaguely threatening way when they pass women in the street. But there's a threat to Tobago's heterosexuality looming on the horizon – Elton John, who might be getting banned from performing on the island next month because he's so bloody gay that he'll probably turn Tobago into one big orgy of bumming, as Metro reports:
Phillip Isaac, Archdeacon of Trinidad and Tobago, said: 'His visit to the island can open the country to be tempted towards pursuing his lifestyle.' He criticised Sir Elton for his marriage to David Furnish, according to a report in the Mirror, and said that it did not 'conform to biblical teachings'. He also claimed that he wanted to 'save' the singer from his 'questionable' lifestyle. A local radio station has apparently been inundated with irate callers unhappy about Sir Elton's visit to the island. Some claimed that Tobago's laws could be used to keep homosexuals off the island.
It looks like Elton John may have fallen foul of Tobago's stringent anti-gay checks, where potential visitors have to fill in questionnaires filled with posers like 'Do you own your own range of scented candles?', 'Have you ever written a musical?', 'Has anyone ever made a life-sized statue of you out of chocolate?' and 'Have you ever got married to a man?'
But bizarrely, Elton John's appearance at the Plymouth Jazz Festival in Tobago next month looks set to go ahead without any problems. Not because of the gay thing, though, but because Elton John got knighted by the Queen once. So it looks like what'll happen is Elton John will go to Tobago, honk out Crocodile Rock and Honky Cat, not turn anyone gay at all and leave as the island of Tobago scratches its head and wonders what all the fuss is about.
On the other hand, though, there's a chance that Elton John will get banned from Tobago for being gay, in which case he'll have something else to add to his Big Book Of Things What Make Me Angry, which so far includes all religion and Oasis and his own record label and all photographers and the way young bands dress nowadays and people who call him rude and Margaret Thatcher and Sven Goran Abba-Dabba.