It's a big week for people who make weird emotional investments in the amount of CDs that rubbishy bands sell, even though they know full well that Mr Blobby could be number one forever and it wouldn't really have any effect on their lives.
This is because Westlife, Oasis, U2 and The Beatles all have albums out, and they're kind of having a race to see who gets to number one. At the moment Westlife are apparently in the lead, which is apparently bad because we're told a Westlife album is worse than a cynical contract-fulfilling Greatest Hits album or a band's third Greatest Hits album in eight years or a CD where you can hear Ringo Starr singing Octopus's Garden to the tune of Good Night. Anyway, even though nobody could really care less which album gets to number one, Elton John has typically got all fired up, waded in and demanded that Westlife beat Oasis, because Noel Gallagher said Elton John probably doesn't go shopping very often or something.
Now that Elton John doesn't sell any records any more, he should really look at different ways of making money. Well, actually he's already started to do that – and who doesn't want an Elton John-brand smelly candle? – but we'd quite like Elton to give the go-ahead to an interactive Elton John doll. It'd be brilliant – like a Furby, but instead of being programmed to learn different tricks and skills, the Elton John doll would just launch into a high-volume pottymouthed tantrum every time it heard any noise at all. Because – make no mistake – that's what Elton John is most famous for these days.
In the past Elton John – who was once carved out of chocolate, so he shouldn't really have anything to complain about – has been narked off about Margaret Thatcher, people who take pictures of him, someone called Sven Goran Abba-Dabba, bands who don't dress like Elton John, people who call Elton John rude and all organised religions, but now Elton John is getting serious – he's taking on Oasis.
You see, this is a big week for UK album sales. Fuckawful Irish boyband Westlife have The Love Album out, a collection of cover versions so housewife-pleasingly dreary that people's brains have actually liquefied by the time they get to Total Eclipse Of The Heart. The Beatles have their poncey clown-soundtracking mash-up album Love out. U2 have yet another Greatest Hits album out, possibly to put more money in Bono's hat transportation fund. And Oasis have put out Stop The Clocks, a lazy contract-fulfilling stab at a Best Of album. But Oasis being Oasis, instead of doing actual work to promote Stop The Clocks, they're just doing what they've always done and slagged off some other singers.
This time, Noel Gallagher has picked on Elton John for not buying his own milk, or something, and it enraged Elton John enough to phone up alabaster-faced gossip witch Victoria Newton at The Sun and bellow this:
“I’m so glad Westlife are ahead of Oasis. After what fucking Noel Gallagher said about me I couldn’t give a shit about Oasis. I go into fucking shops all the time myself, he’s just such a tosser. He’s an absolute tosser and he looks like Parker from Thunderbirds. They don’t deserve to be No1. It’s not a greatest hits album because they’ve left three of their biggest hits off it.”
Yes, we know that a tubby singer who hasn't had a number one album for 17 years shouting down a backwards-looking band that hasn't released a decent album for 12 years over the regularity that he goes into shops is a bit lame. Seriously, you try and find some news today.
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