Elton John. National institution, right? This is a role Elton John gained by shouting at his servants while wearing tennis shorts, inventing James Blunt, being somewhat wiggy and being the angriest millionaire alive – but for singing?
Not really. Elton John had a new album out recently, called The Captain And The Kid. Chances are you've not heard a single note of music from it, though, because it has approximately sold no copies whatsoever. And this angers Elton John greatly. In Elton John's head, it should be songs from The Captain And The Kid that people remember Elton John for and not that song about the baby lion or the song about Billy Elliot being electrocuted. And – to let people know just how angry he is that nobody's bought his new album – Elton John launched into a full-on pottymouth extravaganza at a recent concert, spitting out 15 "fuck"s in a minute, some of which were directed at his record label, who he asked to fire him. Records show that this was the angriest Elton John had been since three minutes before the concert when a hand towel he was using wasn't quite as fluffy as he'd have liked.
Looked at objectively, Elton John should be pleased with his life. He regularly raises millions of dollars for charity, he has his very own range of Elton John-themed smelly candles, legally he is a very polite man plus he's one of the only men in the country to have both a loving husband and a lifesize chocolate statue of himself.
And then there's Elton John's music which, er… OK, that's a bit of a sore point. You see, Elton John could easily rake in the cash by constantly touring around the world playing nostalgia-themed concerts stuffed with 30-year-old hits, but Elton John is an artist, and he is always churning out new music and ideas as a result. Trouble is, though, nobody really bothers with Elton John's new stuff. Elton John's vampire musical closed down quickly – possibly as a result of no vampires singing Benny And The Jets to each other – and Elton John's plan to go hip-hop was met with an almost Federlinic level of bewilderment and derision. And as for Elton John's idea that more bands should dress like him… need we say more?
Elton John's new album The Captain And The Kid has quickly disappeared from view since it was released in September, and this has thrown Elton John into one of his famous explosive tantrums. During a concert in New York recently, this is how Elton introduced Songs From Richard Nixon, a song from The Captain And The Kid, according to This Is London:
"I'm going to play a song but I'm sure you haven't heard it because the fuckers haven't promoted it." To the amazement of the mostly female middle-aged audience at the Nassau Coliseum on Long Island, New York, Elton carried on with a stream of profanities, adding: "My record label isn't doing anything to help. Fuck Universal."… He added: "They're useless. Here's a message to Universal Records: Please drop me. Just let me go somewhere else."
News of this outburst has been countered by all kinds of nervy 'oh, you know Elton' statements from his management and agents, but maybe Elton John should be allowed to go somewhere else. We're just want the best for Elton John, and that means a record label that promotes his new albums so well that he doesn't feel obliged to prop up the promotion with any more awful Post Office adverts that get broadcast once every three seconds and make us so angry that we end up getting arrested for doing a dirty protest into a post box in the middle of a large town centre in broad daylight. Is that too much to ask?
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Elton's 15 F-words in a minute as he rants at his record label – This Is London