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Vanity Fair

Lindsay Lohan Under The Impression She’s ‘A Damn Good Actress’

by Amy Grindhouse

Lindsay Lohan is the light of our lives. Lindsay is the gift that keeps on giving. Lindsay is, absolutely, a special and unique snowflake. And, a delusional one at that. And we love her for it. While you were selfishly living your life, abiding by the law and not doing cocaine, Lindsay was suffering. Suffering, [...]

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Hey Laydeeez, Tiger Woods’ Nipples Will See You Know

by Stuart Heritage

Just a hunch, but we expect the number of Tiger Woods mistresses to rise exponentially in the next few days.

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Gisele Bundchen Wants Your Baby

by Amy Grindhouse

Guest blog! Amy Grindhouse!

Model Gisele Bundchen recently gave an interview to Vanity Fair magazine that left many in the industry and beyond scratching their lace-front weaves with confusion.

The leggy Brazilian must have baked in the sun too long, or perhaps ingested too much toxic fake bake, as she seemed a little confused.

In a world where money and celebrity clout can easily buy your way around the adoption process and reality is nothing but a distant dream, perhaps it is no real surprise that Gisele has no idea whom she has given birth to recently.

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Kate Winslet’s Naked Body Totally Belongs To Kate Winslet, OK?

by Stuart Heritage

History dictates that, whenever Kate Winslet appears in public, she must always have her bum – or at least one of her norks – out.

And since Kate Winslet has an interview in the new issue of Vanity Fair, it stands to reason that she should get as absolutely naked as flipping possible in every single accompanying picture. But here’s the crazy thing – Kate Winslet’s naked body actually looks fairly decent in the photos.

And this is chubby old Kate Winslet we’re talking about here – lumpy bumpy old chubby old Kate Winslet. So if her naked pictures looked good, it’s only logical to assume that it was because they’d been mangled beyond all recognition with an airbrush. Just don’t mention that around Kate Winslet, because there’s a strong chance she’ll punch your face off if she hears you.

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Kate Winslet Has It So Much Harder Than Any Of Us Will Ever Know

by Stuart Heritage

Judging by her weird compulsion to thwonk her boobs out in every film she’s ever made, you might not think that Kate Winslet is very insecure.

But she is. Oh lord, she is. It turns out that Kate Winslet is so thunderingly insecure – about absolutely everything – that she makes Ally McBeal look like Darth Vader after a manicure and half a bottle of gin. How do we know this? Because Kate Winslet has raked over her endless neuroses for the new issue of Vanity Fair.

So, to save you the effort of buying the new issue of Vanity Fair, here’s a list of all the things that Kate Winslet is insecure about: her weight as a teenager, her weight now, her dress sense, the way she looks ‘wrong’, her stupid pointy nose, her awful screechy voice, her fat hands, the way the last syllable of her surname rhymes with a swearword and her ridiculous big face. We may have made some of those up, by the way.

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Barack Obama’s Wife Wears Nice Clothes Sometimes: Official

by Stuart Heritage

There’s nothing we like more than a best-dressed list – apart from, ooh, everything else is the world that isn’t a best-dressed list.

So imagine our delight when we discovered that Vanity Fair has just published its international best-dressed list for 2008. A big list of people who are primarily best-known for being able to buy, choose and wear clothes without ending up looking like big a pile of sweaty bumrags? Who wouldn’t love that!

Especially when the Vanity Fair best-dressed list contains such notable names from the world of entertainment as three-time Academy Award-winner Barack Obama’s wife, multi-platinum recording artist Prince William’s girlfriend and regional puppy-juggling contest semi-finalist Nicolas Sarkozy’s missus. Boy, do they know how to wear clothes adequately.

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Disney To Miley Cyrus: Back To Work, Paedo-Bait

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since she posed for those provocative sort-of topless underage Vanity Fair photos, Miley Cyrus has left her wholesome tween image far behind.

But try telling that to Disney. Even though she seems more comfortable these days posing vulnerably under satin sheets and draping herself over her father’s lap in an uncomfortably sexual way, Miley Cyrus is still one of Disney’s biggest cash cows. And that’s why the corporation has refused to scrap Miley’s upcoming concert set for Saturday.

However, in a nod to the effect of the scandal and her new audience, Disney has staged a last-minute change of venue for the concert. Now, instead of performing at the sun-dappled Disney World Resort in Orlando, Miley Cyrus will be appearing at a grotty underground basement in front of an audience comprised soley of raincoat-wearing middle-aged, yellow-eyed, nicotine-stained Frenchmen.

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Annie Leibovitz Says Sorry About Miley Cyrus, Sort Of

by Stuart Heritage

There’s an angry mob forming over those ‘topless’ Miley Cyrus pictures in Vanity Fair – but the question is, whose house shall we burn down first?

We can’t burn down Miley Cyrus’ house because she’s already apologised to her fans and blamed all the evil grown-ups for exploiting her – so that just leaves Annie Leibovitz, the woman who took the photos of Miley Cyrus in the first place. Let’s get her!

Except we can’t, because Annie Leibovitz has apologised for the Miley Cyrus photos as well. OK, maybe ‘apologised’ is a strong word – instead Annie Leibovitz has called everyone stupid for not appreciating the beauty of her art, but she phrased it like an apology. An apology that we accept. We think. Oh, we’re so confused. Let’s burn down the camera factories!

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Vanity Fair Oscars Party Croaks It

by Stuart Heritage

For all the bluster yesterday that the Oscars would go on regardless of a continued writers’ strike, it now looks like actors have got nowhere to get hammered afterwards.

The Vanity Fair Oscars party – probably the most prestigious Oscar night party held by a magazine specifically for actresses to get trollied on free booze because they’re not as good as Cate Blanchett – has been cancelled.

It’s a blow to the credibility of the Oscars and no mistake – with no Vanity Fair party to go to, Elizabeth Hurley’s got nowhere to topple out of in front of some cameramen even though she’s never been able to make a film that hasn’t made us want to stab ourselves in the neck. Won’t someone think of Elizabeth Hurley?

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Indiana Jones 4 Still Coming Out And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Even though Indiana Jones 4 isn’t coming out for almost six months, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Harrison Ford have all decided to yak away to Vanity Fair about how exciting old men with whips are anyway.

And just as well, too, because the Vanity Fair Indiana Jones 4 piece answers everything that even the most ardent Indiana Jones fan will have wondered. For example, what’s Indiana Jones 4 about? We don’t know. Is Shia LaBeouf’s character going to be Indiana Jones’ son? We don’t know that either. Is Indiana Jones 4 going to be good? Nope – still no clue. What’s the closest thing that George Lucas can compare Indiana Jones 4 to? A chair. That’s a chair.

So that’s that all cleared up, then.

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