Just a hunch, but we expect the number of Tiger Woods mistresses to rise exponentially in the next few days.
Because, well, woof. Look at him. Look at Tiger Woods, all topless and buff and photographed by Annie Leibovitz on the cover of Vanity Fair. Why, even we’d do anything to get a piece of that – even if it meant submitting ourselves to gender realignment surgery, inserting ridiculous oversized cannonballs where our boobs should be, punching ourselves in the mouth until our lips ballooned to a comical degree and then coating ourselves in 15 coats of all-weather wood preserve. That does seem to be his type, after all.
Anyway, Tiger Woods is on the front cover of Vanity Fair. That was our point.
One of the most enduring questions about the Tiger Woods affair is ‘why?’
That’s not as in ‘why did Tiger Woods jeopardise his marriage and the psychological well-being of his children by embarking on a never-ending series of meaningless indiscretions?’ – but ‘why on Earth would anyone want to sleep with Tiger Woods?’ After all, the man is not only a professional golfer – making him more dull than a monotonous, four-hour audio description of a relief sculpture of the periodic table made out of dust read by Member Of Parliament for Woking Humfrey Malins – but a professional golfer who endorses Buicks. Talk about a turn-off.
However, it seems like several women did sleep with Tiger Woods, and here’s why:
1) He’s a billionaire,
2) All the women he’s slept with look a bit ropey,
3) When Tiger Woods takes his top off, it’s clear that he has the body of a gleaming Adonis.
We’ve only just worked that last one out, because a topless photo of Tiger Woods, as taken by Annie Leibovitz four years ago, is on the cover of this month’s Vanity Fair magazine. So that’ll boost Tiger’s ego a bit. Sadly, the photo accompanies a lengthy article detailing exactly why Tiger Woods is such a woeful shit of a man, which probably won’t do his ego much good. From the Vanity Fair article:
“There was no way of ever knowing Tiger Woods ? not in golf, beyond witnessing the machine-like relentlessness that made him the most remarkable athlete of our time, and not outside of golf, because he never showed any real part of himself off the course.”
Yeah yeah, blah blah blah, intellectually rationalise things all you want, Vanity Fair, but nobody’s going to buy your magazine for all the stupid words, are they? They’ll be buying it for all the red-hot pictures of Tiger Woods’ sad face and perky nipples.
Although why they’d even bother doing that is anyone’s guess – we’re sure that, if things keep progressing in the manner that they have been, Tiger Woods will be using the same photos to illustrate his Craigslist Casual Encounters ads soon enough.
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Robert Clapp says
Since I’ve written several comments on HUFFINGTON,I won’t repeat myself, BUT I wish to THANK YOU for mentioning the potential damage to his children. As far as I could tell, only you and I bothered to say a word on the subject. I’m a retired teacher and the number of dysfunctional students that I taught usually came from dysfunctional parents. To me this is what makes him a dispicable human being.
megan says
that’s one casual encounters listing i’d click through.
Sunny says
Oh, apparently the mag got this part wrong – “… because he never showed any real part of himself off the course.” – obviously he’s been only too ready to show real parts of himself off the golf course with about anyone interested in seeing them…and now this. It’s really rather perfect timing.